On The Night Before My Surgery

The night before my surgery is here; the possibility of the end of five years of pain.

I'm thinking back to the day my freshman year of high school when I woke up with a horrific migraine; it has been intractable ever since. The road has been long and this is the fight of my life. There has been times I've lost all hope, had no strength to carry on, and times when not only my faith but my body shakes from the uncontrollable tears. I have not suffered this entire time; rather I have chosen to endure the pain in hopes of the moment tomorrow may bring.

My biggest hope is for the end of the pain; I might have the ability to live life to fullest without any disability.

Ehlers Daniels Syndrome caused the iliac vein, or main vein, in my left leg to completely collapse.

It also caused a build up of varicose veins in my pelvis, many dislocations of my joints, painful mornings of waking up with subfluxed joints, and skin that will bruise just from a bump. Exasperated, my Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome has my heart working up to three times faster and harder than the average persons in attempt to get my blood to properly circulate. I have constant fainting spells, black outs, brain fog, and pooling of blood in my legs, including my feet. Neuropathy in my hands and in my feet. The intractable chronic migraine along with daily persistent headache have caused immense pain, temporary loss of vision, hypersensitivity to sounds/motion/smell/taste, brain fog beyond belief, slurred speech, and sensitivity to temperature.

Trembling in fear but held down by faith, I'm wondering what my life will look like after Dr. Steven Smithe puts a stent in on Thursday, May 16th.

This has the hope of my long awaited and many times attempted revival. I am waiting for the day I am able to have to have more independence from those around me; it's not that I want to get away from anyone but rather the dreams I have are big plans. Tonight though, I'm focused on going in calmly knowing my guardian angle is watching over me and that my immediate family and boyfriend will be waiting for me as I wake up. I will remained loved no matter if I improve 5% or 95%; in that fact, I have no fear.

I owe all my success this far to my parents who've gone to the ends of this earth, my little sister whose watched Endless Love with me endlessly, family who showed up, friends who are more like family, the teachers who believed in me, those who taught me to advocate, Dr. David Larsen who has never given up and always made me laugh to stop crying, the nurses who've sat in bed and consoled me, for Neuqua Valley Younglife's facetime's calls, every single prayer from all, but most importantly to those who never believed my spirit would be broken. Thank you to all of those who made my high school graduation party last summer possible after I spent the 8 days previous to the party in a comatose state in the PCU. That meant the world to me.

After May 16th, I know there will be post pain to overcome.

Believe me though, I have gone through worse and will make it through it all with the Lord's strength. My favorite biblical verse provides me with the answer that "for it is by grace [I] have been saved, through faith" (Ephesians 2:8). This faith will carry me through to much bigger things than I've lost out on over the past five years. You should see my brain turning with ideas for the massive bucket list to be laid out ahead of me.

The future is bright, there's just one more night.