June 3rd, 2022.
I texted your dad this day. I hadn’t been feeling well in several days, but the last thing on my mind was the possibility of you. Despite my resistance to believing you were a possibility, after your dad and I talked… I chose to take a test. To my surprise, two very bright and distinct lines appeared on that test. I would be lying if I said that my immediate feelings were of joy and happiness… they were more fear, anxiety, and shock. You were not in the plans. As a matter of fact I was on birth control to prevent your creation… yet, those 2 bright blue lines were staring me in the face, and my heart immediately created a space that was special and just for you.
Over the next few weeks you made your mark in this world very apparent! The toilet and I will be lifelong friends thanks to you, and every single day I felt and was more aware of your life.. every day I became even more in love and protective of your life. You and I created a sacred bond that no one else will ever get the privilege of. For 57 days, I felt you. You were real, and you were so loved.
During these weeks your daddy and I discussed what your name would be (I promise I wouldn’t have let him name you any of the things you were hearing). We talked about your future. We dreamed of the day we finally got to hold you in our arms. We told your siblings about you, and they were all so excited and loved you immensely.
June 17, 2022
On this day, something just didn’t feel “quite right”. As your mom, something inside of me told me that I should be worried. After a call to the doctor, I chose to go to the local ER and have everything checked out. I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, and that I would get to see you for the first time and my mind would be put to ease… but in the back of my mind my motherly instinct was screaming “something is wrong”. I wanted so badly to protect you. I wanted it to be something I could control or fix. Unfortunately, the first day that I saw you, it was also the first day I had to accept the possibility that I may not ever get to know you outside of my womb.
June 21, 2022.
This day was full of all kinds of mixed feelings.. I would again get to see the child that I had been feelings inside of me for so long now, but with the added fear of having no change since the last scan a few days prior. Your dad was always sure remind me to stay positive (he’s much better at that than your mother is.) The scan showed exactly what I feared, but a sliver of hope was given. The fact that I was so symptomatic with your presence was a positive, despite what the scan showed.
June 23, 2022
I got to see you again on this day. Despite me feeling how real and alive you were inside of me (again, the toilet and I will be lifelong friends thanks to you) the scan showed minimal, and not any positive change to reassure us of your future. This is the day I think I was both most thankful for, and angry at your daddy… his unwavering positive outlook, and relentlessness to push it on me, both helped me take a deep breath and to take the dangling sliver of hope, while also infuriating me that he wasn’t willing to discuss the possibility of the outcome we might have ahead of us. The truth is, he knew I needed the deep breath, and he loved you too much to accept what was becoming our reality… (don’t tell him, but I think this is also the day I knew I had found the perfect person for me. The person who I don’t have to explain myself to, and knows what my heart needs in the moment and is always by my side without wavering, no matter how hard to circumstances… through this entire ordeal, he put the needs of you and I above his own feelings. Your daddy, is a man you would have been so proud to have raise you.)
Despite the meek circumstances, every single day the presence of you was brought even more to my attention by you. By this time my pants were already snug, my desire to provide you only the absolute best increased, I craved sweets and root beer floats that I would have never endured before you.. and I puked every single one of the things you demanded I feed you up within a matter of minutes. You were real. You were alive, and you were so loved
June 27, 2022
On this day my “mommy senses” went off yet again. We went to the ER. On this day I got to see you one last time. The bond you and I had built over the last few weeks was strong… I knew deep down that this would be my last chance to see you. Despite the symptoms I had that told me you were still present, they had changed. You were gone, and inside my heart I already knew that… this was also the day that a doctor told me those words out loud for the first time… the words “I’m so sorry, but we just don’t see that the pregnancy is viable” will forever ring through my mind. It felt like someone had physically taken a dagger, and shoved it right through the center of my heart.
June 29, 2022
On is the day we were separated. This is the day I had to say goodbye, or attempt to I guess. Letting you go felt surreal. I could still feel your life inside of me. I was still nauseated at almost every smell imaginable. I still had the micro tiny bump that prevented me from buttoning my pants. I still peed every 30 minutes (or so it felt), I still visited the toilet after every single meal or snack. I often teased your dad about how much you must hate me because of you giving me such miserable symptoms. More than anything, I still placed my hand over my stomach. I rubbed my belly in an attempt to show you as much love and compassion as I possibly could. I held it there as a shield in attempt to protect you. It was the closest I could get to holding you within my arms, and it was the closest I was ever going to be to it. I could no longer protect you, you were already gone… but my body and my heart hadn’t been able to accept that reality yet.
I remember waking up from surgery and through tears and pure heart wrenching agony saying “I just want my baby, I love my baby”. As dark and twisted as it all may seem… I think that’s the part I want you to know the most… that despite you not being part of our plan, despite having only had you for 57 days, and despite many not acknowledging your reality… you were wanted, you were loved, and you will always have the special place in my heart that was created just for you. We created a special bond over those 57 days, and every single one deepened the love that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Love,
Mommy
grilled barbecues on black and gray grill
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fireworks display
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