Had I known when I was preoccupied doing the dishes that fateful July day, that sending her out my door would be the last time she steps foot in my home, the selfish part of me would have taken her and ran. Or even hugged her goodbye, squeezed tight. One thing I did right was say Mommy loves you as she ran out of my front door.
I live in a small town, average home, big enough for us girls, with a Rottweiler we’ve had since he was 7 weeks old, great job, and my family near by. Not a life to complain about… That is, until that fateful day. In our divorce decree, we agreed, without hesitations or fighting on 50/50 custody. I’m not some bitter “baby mama” or “ex-wife” that would with hold a child from their father. But I guess my ex-husband and I have different morals.
Before that fateful day, you could walk into a loving, bright, cheerful home. Walking into my home now is basically a shrine of my daughter. Those that I don’t know well, that have become friends, honestly thought walking into what my home looks like now, that I tragically lost my daughter somehow. Every wall, in every room is blasted with her pictures. In all honesty, I DID lose my daughter in a way. Just not in that dreadful way. I’m mourning a daughter that is still walking around THIS town, that is alive and breathing. And before you judge me, YES, I hired an attorney immediately. To fight. To fight to get my LIFE back. But as we all know, covid was BIG then. Which meant our court case didn’t take presidency.
As of yesterday, May 17th, 2022, I filed for emergency custody. I can’t wait until our court date in July. I just cant. I need my lifeline back in my arms.
BACK STORY
I met my daughters father, we’ll call “M” when I was 15 years old. Young. Naive. & sadly, BLIND TO THE ABUSE. I got pregnant at 16, and shortly after the physical abuse started. In hindsight, the emotional and mental abuse started way before I was pregnant. I was just too young, maybe, like I said, naive, and just thought M’s behavior was him being protective of me. The first time he hurt me, I was 3 months pregnant, and I was strangled. I felt stuck. I was a high schooler, kicked out of my moms home, and pregnant. I assumed it would stop. But, in all the cases before me, it only got worse. I was so beat down, I had no self worth, no love for myself to leave. I wanted to partly make my “family” work. The other part of me wanted to prove my mother wrong. I dealt with the anger, the controlling behavior, the abuse. Pretty soon, I felt like I deserved It.
When my daughter was born I had a flicker of hope that he might actually stop. We had a tiny human looking up to us. And for the first 2 months we were living on cloud 9. Then, all of a sudden, the devil peaked around the corner. In an instant he was back to it again. This time though, I was forced into a chair, with my 2 month old in her car seat in front of me, with a loaded gun to my head telling me to say goodbye. As scared as I was, I said no. He was shocked. How dare I say no to him. I had to try and show him I wasn’t afraid. And lucky for me, it worked. Days later, I was forced off the road by M, this time with my daughter in the car. I fled. I saved us. He moved on, and was an absent father for 2 years. I could breath again.
Then he returned.
He “changed”, he was “sorry”. I, stupidly, married him 2 weeks after he said that. Against family wishes, at 19, we had a court house wedding. 4 days later, the abuse started again. By the time we bought our first house, had been married for 2 years, and just purchased our “forever” home, he started abusing me in front of our daughter. In the moment, I thought I was doing right by her by staying. Reality is, I was showing her what’s not okay, I was causing trauma in her young life by allowing her to witness this.
Let’s fast forward to 2017, we had been broken up, or separated, with him out of the home. Yet, we still were off and on. Fast forward again to 2018, i finally walked away, this time for good. Thankfully, my story doesn’t end in the tragedy of my murder for leaving, but years later, me leaving led to the tragedy of parental kidnapping, parental alienation, you get the gist.
2019
Our divorce was finalized in this year, with surprisingly NO fights over custody. We mutually agreed on 50/50. It was almost surreal how smooth our co-parenting was going. Until that fateful July day in 2021.
This was his plan all along.
For years, this kidnapping, so to say, was in play with M. The planning of this was so unreal. Narcissistic behavior at its finest.
July 2021
As stated above, a normal day, our switch day, plus he was utilizing his vacation time that week as well. I knew NOTHING until the day she never made it back home. I still remember my attorney calling me. I was, again, doing the dishes, and answered the call, and remember it was almost an out of body experience. I can see myself dropping my phone, falling to the floor wailing. What was my next steps? I’ve never dealt with this before.
2022
To get my mind healthy again, I had to check myself into a mental health facility for 30 days. I had to learn to cope. From this experience, I have a new diagnosis on top of anxiety. A little “friend” named PTSD. I’m still currently attending therapy weekly, have joined every thing I possibly can at my church (who has been instrumental during this time) and have been waiting for our court date coming up in July.
Until abuse started happening to her….
It took a teacher calling me, to let me know what she’s heard, what she’s seen, and the worry and concern in her voice brought me back to my parents worry “tone” when they would call me to make sure I wasn’t dead. It isn’t just a simple thing to file for emergency custody. No… I had to gather evidence, proof, affidavit’s, and a lot of mama bear fight in me, to provide my attorney with everything. FINALLY yesterday, we filed. Today, I should hear our fate. Today is the day I could get my once happy-go-lucky little girl, who is irreparably traumatized now, back.
With a lot of faith, a little of Jesus, and my chosen family and friends behind me, I have faith the judge will do what’s morally right.
The next chapter will be undoubtedly HARD, scary, challenging, and much more, to put my angel in therapy and start trying to repair what he broke, what he took from his own flesh and blood. But, she’s like her mom, she’s a fighter, she will be okay with time, and a whole lot of love.
A mothers love is immeasurable
I would walk across the country, lose all my Limbs, give up every asset I own, to fight for my baby. For her dignity. For her rights. For her self-worth, and self-love.
Today is the day of answers, today is the day my daughter WILL be saved. I have hope. The little girl I’ve been mourning for almost a year, is about to come home. A safe place. A loving home. Today my heart will be repaired. I can’t think of the alternative, I need to remain positive, if not for me, definitely for her.
Today, is the start of a new life. A life with brokenness, but a mothers love that can patch up the brokenness in a beautiful, innocent, little soul.
Hold your loved ones tighter, say “I love you” till you can’t speak anymore, and enjoy the time you have.
you never know when your world could shatter.
