What They Don’t Tell You About Depression Is That It's More Than Skies Of Sadness

Depression is usually portrayed as quiet, sad, and motionless. Sitting silently in a crowded room as happy people talk around you. Depression is hiding your sadness behind a fake smile while people say, "You don't look depressed." While that is often true, there is another side to depression not often portrayed.

Depression is angry. Depression is furious. Asking "Why me? Why didn't I do things differently years ago? I wouldn't be in this mess if I'd made better choices." Depression is blaming yourself for numerous actions out of your control.

I'm one of those people who gets quiet when I'm angry. You won't see me flip out on someone. You'll rarely hear me yell. I walk around silently cursing people for insignificant things. Trendy outfits I wish I could pull off. Bottles of Coca-Cola I wish I'd let myself drink. People working in upscale jobs I feel I should be working at this point in life. I even curse at cars for being orange.

For me, depressive episodes are not always stereotypically sad. My depressive episodes involve me beating myself down for things no longer in my control.

I should have had more self-control three years ago and kept running and going to the gym.

I should have watched my eating habits more closely over the past three years.

I should have put more effort into a writing career as soon as I graduated college.

I have no control over the things I did three years ago. Sure, I can take positive actions now, but I'm unable to focus on that. Anger keeps me focused on the past.

If you feel angry and sad like this but don't know why maybe you can relate to me. Maybe this will help explain what's going on in your head. Because depression is more than the sad days they tell you about. Depression is furious and unforgiving.