One thing I've been so fortunate when it comes to writing for Odyssey is finally being able to have my writing out there for any and everyone to see and read instead of hiding it in my journals. It's given me the confidence to put out certain pieces that are hard for me to talk about but I know when I submit it, maybe someone out there going through what I'm going through can relate to it and not feel so alone. So I wanted to keep that promise to myself and share something I'm still coming to terms with.
About a few months ago I noticed a change in me. And not one that was subtle or was happening fast. This was something very drastic and moving slowly until it got to a point where I felt so hopeless and down I let it consume me. I didn't know what was going on with me and even now while I'm still figuring it all out, I'm still scared.
I've been quietly dealing with depression, something very new to me that I still don't know how to talk about.
To be honest I didn't see it coming. I guess when I let it go so far as it did I stopped thinking that there was a problem. It wasn't until it grabbed the attention of family and loved ones did I see there was something seriously wrong with me. I've taken some strides in improving it but I'm still trying to navigate how to live with it. From what I've experienced back then and now, there are things no one can tell you about what it's like living with depression. So, I thought I'd tell you what I've been dealing with.
No one tells you what it's like living with depression.
No one tells you how much of a struggle it is every day to get out of bed and not want to stay in there and never come out.
No one tells you how you can go from having the best day ever to breaking down crying in the blink of an eye.
No one tells you how you can have all these amazing ideas filled to the brim in your mind, but you have no motivation or desire to pick up a pen and paper to write them down.
No one tells you how no matter what anyone does for you, you can't be happy.
No one tells you how you soon forget the difference between your real and fake smile.
No one tells you how much you'd like to yell at the people who tell you things like, "It will pass," "You'll feel better soon," or "Don't be so dramatic, people have it much worse."
No one tells you that you no longer have the patience for the people who were always there for you.
No one tells you that you won't even notice how you're pushing people away because of how you are.
No one tells you how much you wish you could go back to how you were before this happened.
No one tells you that you'll find yourself crying to your mom in your car in the parking lot at work saying there's something wrong with you and you need help and you're scared.
No one tells you how you can be out with your boyfriend and then have to excuse yourself from the restaurant to go in the car and cry.
No one tells you how you can feel so f*cking alone because no one understands what you're going through.
No one tells you the weight that gets lifted off your shoulders when you finally make an appointment to see a therapist after months of saying you'll do it.
No one tells you how much you'll cry for no reason.
No one tells you how you'll have the highest of highs one week to the lowest of lows the next week.
No one tells you that the things you once enjoyed no longer make you happy anymore.
No one tells you that it'd be so much easier to not live like this sometimes.
No one tells you that when you feel really low, you start to question your existence.
No one tells you that you feel like you're living in a thick fog that no matter how much you stretch your arms out to cut it open it's sealed shut.
No one tells you that talking to someone going through the same thing as you makes you feel less abnormal and more human.
No one tells you that you sometimes can't recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror.
No one tells you that your silence isn't meant to be ignored, but is a cry for help.
No one tells you how much you start to hate the question, "Are you okay?"
No one tells you that when you do have those good days, you never take them for granted because you don't know how long they're going to last or when they'll come back again.
No one tells you that taking the steps to get help and talk about it is the bravest thing you can do.
No one tells you that you won't be cured of this, but it doesn't mean you have to let it take over you and win.
No one tells you that one day, you'll be okay.
No one tells you that one day, you'll believe it.
