I was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder in 2012, very soon after I graduated high school having thought it was totally normal to have spent four entire years of my life avoiding social interactions, eating irregularly, not sleeping, feeling hopelessly miserable, and wanting to hurt myself. I sought treatment myself, shakily coming clean to my mother that I might be depressed, maybe, and that I thought that seeing someone might help. I met with an unhelpful therapist a few times that summer, refused to take any medicine, and was generally uncooperative.
My first semester of college was a struggle. My second semester began with a total mental breakdown and then became a blur of antidepressants, therapy sessions and sleep that I barely even remember. The first semester of my sophomore year was almost equally bad, but each semester since has been progressively better. Since coming to terms with my depression and its omnipresence, I have been extremely public about the experience. It affects all aspects of my life and even at my current best, I can still expect to spend a few weeks a year almost totally out of commission. Here is a collection of some of the thoughts, feelings, moments, and actions that have characterized my experience as a depressed college student:
alcohol
Don't touch this or you'll text the last six people you talked to and your ex and then have an emotional breakdown.
almost
see: failure
apathy
It's not just that you feel sad all the time, it's that you sometimes just don't feel.
bad
Inducing negative thoughts or feelings -- everything is bad until proven to be good, and sometimes still even then.
bed
The place you stay for two hours after you wake up but before you get up.
better
You will never feel this way and life will never be this way.
book
When was the last time you read one of these for fun?
brain
Your worst enemy.
breakdown
A weekly ritual whereupon you realize that nothing has changed even though weeks have passed, often triggered by something bad happening.
but
A word that makes all victories, however small, hollow and meaningless.
call
Please, for your sanity, text instead, you say. It gives you time to collect your thoughts.
class
Sometimes you go to these. Sometimes you don't. It bothers you, but not enough to actually improve your attendance.
computer
Where you sit for hours refreshing Facebook for no reason, binge-watching television that you're barely interested in, or leave empty Word documents open for hours hoping that homework will do itself.
dating
How can someone handle you at your worst if even your best is so far below their standards?
deadlines
These are flexible, especially with enough excuses.
depression
A Sisyphean fight that cannot be won, only endured. The insurmountable wall you have to climb before you can do things that seem effortless to everyone else.
doctor
Someone who doesn't know anything about what you're going through right now or how to help.
A page full of thousands of unread messages that you refresh 30 times a day while wondering why you can't motivate yourself to do something else.
excuse
A means of reconciling guilt, shame, and apathy: there's always a reason that something didn't get done.
failure
You and all your endeavors. If something doesn't go your way, it's a failure. If something doesn't go as you'd hoped, it's a failure. You are a failure.
food
You used to appreciate this once, but it seems that you often miss a meal or two a day now.
friend
Someone who still tolerates you for incomprehensible reasons.
good
Something that doesn't cause intense stress and anxiety, or perhaps something that does but ends up being rewarding.
grades
Something you once cared about, but can't seem to keep up to the same standard as before.
graduation
The point where life either gets unbelievably better or unbelievably worse.
help
A mythical force that will somehow make everything easier and turn you into a functional and normal person like everybody else. Medicine is supposed to help. Doctors are supposed to help. Exercise is supposed to help. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Perhaps it's the placebo effect.
hopeless
see: impossible
impossible
Anything that can't be completed and filed away in 30 minutes.
irrational
You realize that your thoughts and feelings are not grounded in logic, but you still think and feel them.
job
see: work
life
see: work
loneliness
Sometimes it's very hard to feel a connection with other people, even friends, and it's almost impossible to believe that anybody else cares or wants to be with you. After all, you don't even want to spend time with yourself.
love
Don't even try this until you have some modicum of care for yourself first.
mad
How you often feel when you don't feel sadness or apathy. Sometimes you snap at your friends and family and sometimes it has lasting consequences.
medicine
Not a silver bullet.
money
Something you spend irresponsibly on fleeting pleasures rather than saving for important future plans.
never
Anything that doesn't seem like it could feasibly happen right this second.
no
A word that you either say way too often or not often enough.
party
see: alcohol, loneliness
quit
A method of de-stressing that involved giving up the silly notion that a current goal or project is actually worth seeing through until completion.
release
What you would actually write if someone asked what you wanted out of life -- exactly that: sometimes you just want out.
room
Where you spend most of your time avoiding human interaction while also secretly hoping that someone might drop by and check in.
sadness
The realization that everything you're doing is utterly pointless, that your friends would be better off without you, that people are dying all over the world and there's nothing you can do about it, that you will never see certain people again, that people definitely still hate you for that stupid thing you once did, and that this cycle is going to continue for the forseeable future.
school
see: work
sleep
The only way to avoid self-consciousness is to avoid consciousness.
time
Something you kill until there's none left.
why
The question that never gets answered. Why do I feel this way? Why won't it stop? Why can't I just be happy? Why does it seem like I'm alone?
work
The only socially-accepted method of killing time.
wrong
Everything you tell yourself that is stopping you from being the person you want to be. All of the thoughts your brain forces upon you. All prior entries in this list. see: irrational
you
Are so much stronger, more capable, and more loved than you can possibly realize through your depression. You can get through it. You got through yesterday, so you can get through today. It gets easier and it gets harder, but it never stops being a fight. You learn to manage it a little bit better.
It takes a while. It can take years. For some people, it takes four doctors, three medicines, countless friends, a family, lots of prodding, hundreds of meltdowns, total reevaluation of life plans and priorities, lots of skipped classes and late assignments, plenty of excuses and an acceptance that you'll never quite be the person your brain tries to convince you you're supposed to be.
But the journey gets better, the road somewhat easier to travel. You see a doctor. You take a pill or talk to somebody about how you're feeling for a change. You get out of bed. You make some new friends. You go to a big social gathering and don't have a great time but don't have an anxiety attack either. You get a couple of big, stressful projects finished and it feels refreshing, even if your productivity isn't where you wish it were. People can, will, and do assist you every step of the way, reassuring you that you can make it. And you can, if you have help.
And, though there are still bad days, you don't want to sleep through life anymore because being awake is so much better than anything you can find in your dreams.
