I've wanted to write to you for a long time. I sure hope that you read this at some point. Otherwise it's pointless. I can't keep track of how many times my fingers have been frozen over the keyboard as I tried to type you a message. I didn't know what to say. Should I just say "Hi, how are you?" Or spill out everything I've wanted to say to you for the past few years? I couldn't even get myself to write you a simple happy birthday this year. I couldn't figure out why my stomach would twist into knots every time I thought about you. We grew apart, it was simple and painless. One day we were best friends. Then slowly we spoke less and less. There was never a giant fight that erupted between us. So why couldn't I just talk to you? Then, recently, I realized it was guilt.

I began to think about what happened within that year we stopped being best friends. You were becoming a different person, and that scared me. So I pushed you away. I remember all the times you would try so desperately to spend time with me and I would come up with an excuse every single time. What I hadn't realized is that I pushed you away when you needed me most. I wasn't aware until later that you had gone through something that completely shattered your life. You needed your best friend and I abandoned you. I wish I could express how sorry I am for that, but there is no way to put it into words.

I will forever be ashamed that I wasn't there for someone who was always there for me. If I failed a science exam, then you would help me study for the next one. If I learned my crush didn't like me back, you brought over chocolate and sat with me while I cried. You were there for me through my depression and anxiety. Through the toughest times of my life. Thank you for that. I don't know who I would have turned to if it wasn't for you.

You taught me so much. Not only did you teach me so much about art and writing, but I learned how to open up to people because of you. You pushed me to pursue my goals no matter how big or small they were. You helped me understand that it doesn't mean I'm crazy if I decide to go to therapy. You not only went along with whatever crazy antics I decided to do, you helped me come up with more. You were my partner in crime. It's because of you that I am the person I am today.

I want you to know that you are an amazing friend and a beautiful person. I'm sorry I didn't stick by you. I'm sure if I had we would have gone to make more crazy food combinations and kick butt at fencing like we had always planned on doing. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you and I'm sorry. I hope that your family is doing well. I'm so grateful that they opened their home to me. I'm sure you're killing it at college. You were always great at conquering new things. I hope that one day you can forgive me. Just know that you can always call me; whether to say hi or if you really need someone to talk to. My number hasn't changed.

I sincerely hope that your life is amazing.

I miss you.