We've all been there -- we've fallen head over heels for Prince Charming, or the gorgeous girl in Spanish class, gone on the most spectacular first date that led to that incredible first kiss, and we've seen this shiny new toy called "crush" become our favorite worn hoodie, called "relationship."
Most successful relationships stem from the fact that this guy, or gal, was first and foremost, your best friend. Unfortunately, it never takes long for us to figure out that our favorite person was once somebody else's partner in crime. To be specific, the ex comes into the picture. I don't know about you, but in my experience, the ex always comes crashing in hoping to tip the scales and destroy your happily ever after like the chandelier scene from "Phantom of the Opera."
Why? The reason is obvious. Exs never hope to become exs. Breakups bite, hard. Most of the time, the ex can't imagine letting go of the person he or she once planned spending a lifetime with. All the plans of big-city apartments and puppies go to shambles, and life must be rebuilt around new dreams. As if it isn't hard enough to come up with a 10-year plan, relationships and breakups have a way of keeping us constantly at the drawing board. It's frustrating, and losing your person can be devastating. It's only natural that you would want to fight tooth and nail to keep close ties with the person who means the most to you. The problem is, you just can't.
If you are the ex doing everything you can to not let go, it's time to stop. Here are some things you need to understand:
1. It's inevitable.
Breaking up happens to all of us, at some point. It's truly terrible that it happened to you, and I'm sorry, but it's a universal pain. Yours is not unique, and you will survive.
2. It's irreversible.
There is nothing you can do to make your ex love you the same way he or she did before. It ended because it was supposed to, even though you might not have wanted it to. Texting old inside jokes and making excuses to see him or her won't change things, especially if he/she is happily dating someone else.
3. Cyber-stalking is not the answer.
Think about it. What do you truly gain from obsessively poring over pictures of your ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend and checking to see what they are up to? German professor Hanna Krasnova at Humboldt University developed a term called "envy spiral" to refer to the negative feelings we associate with social media posts that cause us to envy others or feel the need to "one-up" them, in order to feel better about our own lives. Cyber-stalking helps no one and does an impeccable job in taking you further down the ladder of recovery.
4. There are three cardinal rules to remember.
- Don't spread rumors about the new couple, because you don't know a thing about their relationship.
- Telling the story of how he/she broke your heart to gain favor with others is like gaining sympathy votes in the race of social capital.
- Leave his or her reputation be. Though your ex broke your heart, that isn't a reason to spread lies or tear another human down, in the eyes of those who haven't first gotten to know him or her. If you really need an example of how pathetic it is, here you go:
Ginny: So he left me because he said he couldn't spend the rest of his life with someone who didn't, like, care about his political aspirations, or whatever.
Sarah: Oh-em-gee, what a jerk!
Let's get this one thing straight: your breakup is between your ex and you, nobody else. Using breakups to stir up drama is one of those middle school habits that, apparently, is never left behind.
5. Focusing on your breakup is the number one way to ensure you fail to live your life.
Deciding to look through old photos and hold onto the past hurts your relationship with yourself. Choosing not to go out with friends because you "aren't ready yet" hurts your relationship with others. The more time you spend cyber-stalking or creating your shoe box of memoirs, the less time you spend dreaming, getting in better shape (like you've talked about for months), studying to make good grades, and just flat out accomplishing anything.
6. It's for your own good.
I know these words are harsh. I know they will bring anger to those who are suffering a breakup. I do not apologize. The truth is, once you realize these points are true, the sooner you can let go and begin to restore balance and happiness. The breakup was for your own good. Now, you are free to find someone who can better appreciate the lovely person I'm sure you are. So go out and find yourself, and then you will find who you deserve to be with. I promise, it's not the person who said, "You're not worth it."
I'm not playing devil's advocate for the cheaters, the heart breakers and the tormenters out there. This one's for you, the exes. It's your turn to realize that, with your breakup come certain inalienable rights:
- Life: joy in every moment you choose to find it and strength to conquer each obstacle.
- Liberty: this right here is your freedom to be the person you are, or want to become, without having to meet somebody else's needs. Relish that, while you're still young and have it.
- Pursuit of happiness: hopefully, what you intend to do once you close this tab.
Have a nice life, single Pringles.
