There's a song at the end of "A Star is Born," titled "I'll Never Love Again." Lady Gaga sings this intense, emotional song about how she'll never fall for another person after having met--and lost--"the one."
As I sat in the theater next to my boyfriend, I felt a wave of emotion rush over me. The lyrics of the song perfectly encapsulated thoughts, fears, and emotions that I've felt and thought time and again.
Relationships can be tricky. You may think someone will be in your life forever, but we all know that life can be cruel and takes people away from you. And if you're like me, if you've lost relationships with people whom you'd thought be there forever, it can be really, really hard to allow yourself to become invested in any kind of relationship, romantic or platonic.
One of my biggest fears and constant worries is that one day, my boyfriend will no longer be in my life, for whatever reason. That a day will come when I'd have to move past him, to attempt to find someone else. And I honestly don't think I could fall the same way for anyone else.
I love my boyfriend. As cheesy as this sounds, he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and one of the best people, if not the best person to date, to enter my life. And I'm not just talking out my ass: my life has drastically gotten better since we began dating 3 years ago.
I knew almost immediately that he was different from any other guy I'd met. For one, he officially asked me--IN PERSON--if I would be his girlfriend. (It was the sweetest freaking thing and I still melt a little inside when I recall that moment.) He treated me with respect and wasn't afraid to show he cared for me. He took me actual dates and proudly introduced me to his world.
He actually brought me home to meet his mom. This was a total first for me, as I'd never had the official "meet the parents as my girlfriend" experience before. It was so nerve-wracking it was to meet his mom, but those nerves instantly went away because she was (and is!!) so freaking nice. She instantly welcomed me in and has always treated me as one of the family. She gave me a second home.
After those first two or three months, I already knew I loved him. It wouldn't be another few months before I said it aloud, but I knew.
In the past 3 years, our relationship has grown stronger. He quickly became not just my boyfriend, but also my best friend: my go-to person, always there when I needed advice, to talk, and to vent. He's always been one of my biggest supporters (after my parents and grandmother, of course). He's been one of the only people who I could talk to about my past and truly understand and relate.
I live with depression and anxiety. He's been there for me not just in the good times, but also through the worst. He's held me through panic attacks, depressive lows, and bouts of anxiety. He's talked me through countless moments where my anxiety took over. He listened when I spoke about feeling suicidal, and reminded me that I had things and people to live for, that I was worth living for. But most importantly, he pushed me to take care of myself. To return to therapy and begin taking antidepressants, so I could start living with control over my mind and my life.
I'm Jewish. Watching the rise of hate, especially over these last two years, has made me scared for my safety because of my identity and beliefs. There was an attack on two Jewish students right off my college campus, and just last week, 11 innocent Jews were killed for no other reason than they were Jewish. My boyfriend not only sees how these attacks, the hatred, and cruelty of this world affects me, he fights for me. He isn't afraid to use his privilege as a white male to stand up for others, and it makes me so happy to have someone like him by my side through this crap.
My boyfriend is an active actor in our local theater scene. I've seen him perform in numerous musicals and plays over the last three years, and every time I feel a massive rush of pride and love to see him excel at something he clearly loves doing. That he's so incredibly good at. Every penny spent on tickets to production is worth it to see how wholly he throws himself into it, and the pride I feel seeing him up there.
One of my biggest fears is that I'll somehow lose him. That a day will come where he won't be mine anymore, where I'll be on my own again. That I'll have lost the one person I've ever truly opened up to, the only person who's ever made me feel like I can be 100% myself around. The only person I've ever felt completely comfortable with.
Lady Gaga sings, "Don't want to give my heart away/To another stranger." I honestly can't imagine myself opening up to anyone else as I have with my boyfriend. Letting anyone else have my heart the same way.
I never really believed in true love or "the one." Honestly, I'm still not 100% I do--or at least, not in the way most people tend to think of both concepts. But my boyfriend challenges those beliefs. He's made me realize that I don't care if there's anyone else out there that I could maybe be good with.
Because he and I, we're damn good together. We balance each other out. Deadpool said it best: "your crazy matches my crazy." We're good together and we've helped each other grow as individuals in just a few years.
I can't see the future. But one thing I do know: my boyfriend will be in it.
I don't want another person. This guy, he's the one for me.