No one explained why he just stopped coming around.
One minute you're at the mall with your cousin waiting to see Santa. You look up and see your father holding a giant Disney bag. You're praying it's for you. No one told you to hold on to that happy feeling though and little did you know that's the last good memory you would have of your father being free.
After that, no one tells you how much your life will change. No one tells you about why you have police officers escorting you to your first grade class. No one tells you why you have detectives outside your school and outside your home. No one tells you why you can't go outside with the other kids. No one tells you why your mom is crying every single night.
No one tells you how long you will be living in denial. No one will tell you how every time you're at the grocery store or mall you will constantly look for him because there is absolutely no way he would go to prison and leave you.
He promised. Remember? When you were dancing in the kitchen on his toes. He promised to be there for your wedding, graduation, first dances, and even the breakups. But the truth is you should have seen these broken promises coming. When he would forget to get you from school, when he would promise to never hurt Mommy again, when he promised to never scare you that bad.
Unfortunately, no one told you the biggest promise he would break was the one that he would never leave you.
No one tells you about how you will forever crave acceptance from anyone and everyone. No one tells you how you need validation from men because you never had that. No one tells you how exhausted you will feel every day, every week, every month trying to please everyone and having guilt when you feel like you let everyone down.
No one tells you how you will eventually make up stories about where he is when they ask about your father. One day he is a soldier in Afghanistan fighting a war, the next he's a successful businessman in New York City and some days when you feel like you can't lie anymore you just say that he's dead, because sometimes that's what it feels like.
You would tell them anything just so you wouldn't have to come to terms about what actually happened.
Most importantly no one told you that even 14 years later you still don't know how to come to terms with this. And the biggest thing that no one told you was your father would be the first one to break your heart.
