Was my heart in it more than I knew?
I have done enough sitting around and thinking, that I have finally decided to sit down and write about it. A lot has happened in the past week that has left me with a lot of mixed emotions. Happy to move on, sad, frustrated, and confused.
Last week, I ended whatever I had with this guy. I called it a "situationship", but it was more than that, and I didn't want to admit it, to anyone, especially myself.
Before this had happened, a week prior, I told him I needed space. Things were just adding up to the point that it annoyed me and I needed time alone to think.
So when we finally sat down and talked, I thought we got whatever we need to off our chests to move on. I was ending things because where he and I were, were at two different places in the relationship. I could see that and I knew I wasn't ready to be what he wanted and didn't know when I would be. I enjoyed what we had and how easy and carefree I felt. Maybe I led him on in ways I wasn't meaning to and didn't notice. But from the beginning, I told him I didn't want anything serious.
A few days after our conversation, I found out information that made me so angry I wanted to punch something. He told me about his past relationships and how he's been cheated on and how that is huge for him. Well, what he hid from me, for three months, was just as huge for me. I've talked about this with him before, yet he did it behind my back and continued on to do it.
I want to ask, why did it take for me to find out and not him to tell me during that last conversation we had or even when he was considering doing it. It breaks my heart to have cared so much for a person that they would've done this to me, even after me sharing my history with it.
I confronted him with the information I had the following day. I couldn't even say "hi" to start the conversation with him when I saw him. I flat out asked him and he asked a question right back, instead of just answering my question. He's working on getting better so I asked "how many more times between now and then?" He said, "I don't know." I wanted to hear him say "0" but that wasn't the case, which hurt me even more. The conversation didn't last much longer and I left the situation and drove home. Cried on my way home too.
So now I'm left feeling hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, and confused. It will take time, but I know I will heal. I just hope he overcomes his demons and is the best person that I know and believe he can be.