two most frustrating parts of any sort of writing, whether it be a speech, essay, article, or even something as simple as a “Thank you” card, are procrastination, and writer’s block. Writer’s block tends to lead to procrastination. Nobody’s perfect, and even though I’ve been described as pretty damn close, I too suffer from writer’s block and procrastination. So this week, I chose to use my impending procrastination to counteract this writer’s block. How will I do that? By using the most famous example of procrastination of our generation. Today I’m taking the high road (so to speak) and talk about what not to do at a stoplight.
Now we’ve all seen the "Spongebob" episode. But in case you’re living under a rock like Patrick Star (it’s all connected folks), in a nutshell, Spongebob can’t figure out how to write about what not to do at a stoplight for Mrs. Puff’s Boating School, so he procrastinates, phenomenally I might add.
So, for those of us who are sane enough to have seen the episode, we know that feeding your snail is something not to do at a stoplight, along with making a sandwich, and lighting candles, and drinking water, and calling your friends, and karate chopping the TV, and shooting the breeze with the mailman, and falling asleep.
But that’s Bikini Bottom. It’s under water. It doesn’t apply to us air breathers. So what are some things we should avoid doing at stoplight? Well buckle up and I’ll tell you. (See what I did there?)
First of all, don’t put your foot down on the gas pedal while at a stoplight.
If you need any clearer explanation on this first one, then you’re probably damaged beyond repair. But if you want to keep reading, I’m flattered. You’re going to need all the help you can get at this point anyway. But now for the more intricate …
Never make eye contact with any drivers in the car next to you at a stoplight.
"The Fast and the Furious" movies ruined this for everyone. Thanks to these movies, people feel invincible behind the wheel. If you make eye contact while stopped with the person next to you, it pretty much signifies you want to race. This is never a good idea. Even if the driver next to you is attractive, you need to be careful. If you stare too long, they may rev their engine. That’s pretty much the point of no return right there. Those people play for pinks. This is a similar concept of how MMA ruined random fights for everyone. You don’t know what people are capable of anymore. Someone can get completely massacred because his or her opponent just happened to be an expert in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, explaining why he or she had no problem cutting you off in traffic in the first place.
Returning a text is something else that should not be done at a stoplight.
“But I wasn’t driving!” Who cares; it can wait until you get to where you need to go. If it were really that important, they would have called anyway. Which reminds me …
Don’t be on your phone at all while at a stoplight.
You know there’s no Wi-Fi in your car, unless you’re some sort of high roller. Why risk using all of that data when you don’t need to?
While at a stoplight, don’t pull down the fold out mirror to check yourself, because this is an easy way to wreck yourself.
Nobody can see the light when they start dolling themselves up using these mirrors, which just pisses everyone else off behind you. The obstructed vision causes you to miss the light change, resulting in that angry honk followed by about a mile and half of tail riding that resembles more "skitching" from the Tony Hawk video games than actual driving. If you’re that worried about your appearance, wait until you park because who the hell are you trying to impress sitting at a stoplight? If you’re running late, maybe not hit the snooze button three separate times.
Now, obviously there’s some wiggle room for necessary activity at a stoplight. Some lights are longer than others, so it’s harder to tell. But hopefully this little pow-wow has helped with driver’s etiquette. Or more likely, you simply came to this article for the glaring "Spongebob" reference.
But you know what the best part of this article is? It’s not the safety tips, or the educational value. It’s that this article would have fit Mrs. Puff’s 800-word minimum. Sometimes it hurts being this good.
