The day has finally come. The day I, as your older sibling, have both anticipated and feared. You now have your very own brand spanking new driver’s license to go along with your less new but ever so amazing car. I’m so happy for you and I know that you are even happier that you don’t need mom and dad taxing you around town anymore. You’re ready to be released to the world, drive to new places, see great things, stop at Wendy’s on the way home from school, the whole shebang. But slow down, young one. Before you jump into the driver’s seat read these tips closely. They are contrasted with love and lessons learned. Allow me to pass my wisdom down to you.
1. Don't text and drive.
So cliché. You hear it all the time but please, whatever you do, don't text your bff when you're driving down the road. It can wait. Wait for a stoplight or let me text for you. No text is worth getting into an accident. You can’t multitask as well as you think you can.
2. Turn down your music!
You'll break something in your car if you’re not careful! Something is going to burst, either your eardrums or speakers. Both are equally detrimental.
3. Just because you have a driver’s license and a car doesn't mean you’re an adult.
You are still a child. It might not seem like it but you are. Calm down, baby girl ,and be a kid for just a little longer. Soon you'll be off at college and have to do adult things and it's not all it’s cracked up to be. Just because you have a little plastic card and four wheels doesn’t mean you’re the shit so cut that sass out. Momma love’s you more than you know and you just know she worries as she watches you drive off down the road. Speaking of which…
4. Don’t worry mom so much.
Now that you’ve got a nice ride you’ll start to think that the rules don’t apply to you because you’re all big and bad now but calm down. Mom is about to worry so much, she’ll leave her bathroom light on, ask you to text her when you arrive anywhere, then call you when you’ve been out too late to make sure you’re on your way home soon. Don’t give her any more grey hairs. Come home when you say you will, text her if you get caught up somewhere, don’t get mad when she sends you three texts in a row when you don’t answer your phone. You will learn the fear of having a new driver once you have children. Please don’t worry her more than need be.
5. Wear your seatbelt.
Wear your freaking seatbelt, sister. Wear it. Wear the crap out of it. Make it a fashion statement. It looks cool on you, I swear. It goes with your eyes.
6. If you're upset, don't drive.
Do not. I'll drive you. Call me. Call mom. Call a friend to drive you. Don't drive. It seems like a good way to relieve stress but it's so dangerous. Bad thoughts thrive in dark places and you don't know what might happen when you get lost in your thoughts and you're driving down the road.
7. Go for the safer parking spot even if it is farther away.
That parking spot might seem real nice but you're not going to fit. Go for the spot that you won’t have to squeeze into. It's okay if you have to walk a few extra strides to get inside. You'll also burn calories!
8. Watch out for the fire hydrant.
It will just jump out at you. That hydrant is alive and its sole purpose is to create dents in your bumper.
9. Don't think you're the smartest driver on the road.
You're not. Sorry. You don't know it all. There's some things Drivers Ed can't teach you and you'll learn on the fly whilst driving. You'll always be learning how to drive, it’s always changing. You don't know anything right now but don't worry young cumquat, you'll learn in time.
10. Pay attention.
Your friends in the car, the radio, your phone ringing, the sun shining, everything can be a distraction. You need to keep attention on the road because everything can change so fast. Look away for more than three seconds and suddenly that car that was just beside you on the freeway is now in front and you gotta slam on your breaks. Whatever is distracting you isn't important. Eyes on the road, sweet tart.
11. Don't speed.
Getting places faster is great but it's dangerous. It won't matter how fast you're going if you never make it there, if you get what I'm saying.
12. Don't do what I do.
I am so stupid. I've done stupid things. I'm ashamed at my own stupidity. Don't be me. Be the opposite of me. Be better.
13. Be careful.
Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. Please, for the love of God be careful. I don’t know what I would do without you. Be careful.
14. Your car will take you to so many places but just remember that you can always drive home.
You can always come home, little one. Don't forget about your family while you're driving off into the sunset.
