I'm no Lara Jean. I haven't loved five people, and I don't have hidden love letters. Instead, I have my pride, ego and very large walls around my heart. I'm not the cliche girl in movies who realizes she's been in love with the guy the whole time. I just kind of have me, myself, and I. I was content like that, the women in my family always taught me boys were expendable and to never settle down, it became my goal to never love.

It took a while for me to come to the realization that it wasn't healthy to collect love like a trophy. I loved bringing all of the boys I dated to the point of no return, where they loved me unconditionally only for me to leave them unloved. I don't know if this really took the emotional toll on them that I want to believe it did.

I made boys my possessions, not in an abusive or psychotic way, the boys can attest to that. I treated them better than the had ever been treated, put them on pedestals, that wasn't the bad part. The bad part came when I got bored. The second I get bored I leave, I was in no way bothered by the breakup, the boys, however, were always devastated. I got tears, begging, promises of change and even marriage proposals, but I couldn't have cared less.

This never crossed my mind, it was always just an ego boost that made me feel like a goddess. I was set in my ways, I was convinced I would be using guys for the rest of my life. I would never settle down, it would just be me two dogs and an occasional fling.

To those boys, I'm sorry.

Now I really am. It took a while, a long while. I never thought about heartbreak, it was always something unreal to me. How could someone cry over a relationship? How do these boys love me, they don't even know me? I would always ask for someone to come along and show me what it felt like to be lost without another person.

He did.

I normally feel light when I'm single. Free, like a bird who's been let out of a cage. Now I just feel heavy. He made me feel lightweight. I feel empty like I will never fill this hole that is on the left side of my chest. It is a him-sized hole, a hole 6 feet tall, a hole where there was laughter and love, now it's just empty. We still talk, I can't pretend like he wasn't the best 7th months of my life, but for now, I'll pretend it doesn't hurt.

To all the boys I never loved, I'm sorry.

To the boy I loved, goodbye.

(If you haven't watched "To All the Boys I Ever Loved" on Netflix, you're really missing out on the cutest love story of all time.)