I don't know where my inability to keep a relationship started.

In elementary school, I had boys chase me around the playground trying to kiss me and those one-week "boyfriends" that you never even talked to. In middle school, I had one major crush and even texted a few boys (I know, scandal). But somewhere along the line, my less than suburb dating scene became even more convoluted.

All my friends went through boyfriends and breakups on a regular basis, but it seemed I was stuck.

In high school, when I started being a little less weird, the guys I liked didn't like me. I didn't know how to flirt and definitely didn't know how to have a proper relationship.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I had my first "boyfriend". He asked me to be his girlfriend even though we had never really hung out, but I was flattered that someone was actually interested in me (plus- he was a senior ooh ooh).

The week after he asked me, I tried so hard to ignore him. I didn't know why I felt so uneasy and uninterested, but I just couldn't seem to find the right way to talk to him. I would say I had a cold so I couldn't kiss him (it wasn't a lie). But he was tired of waiting for me to do something and decided to take matters into his own hands. He walked me sweetly to my car and went hard and fast for that kiss when we said goodbye.

It was my first legit kiss.

Then I dumped him.

And so began my pattern of breaking hearts.

Later in high school, I would figure out that a boy liked me and instantly start ignoring him. I wouldn't text back, I'd avoid them in the halls, and I convinced them that I hated them- or at least that they had to hate me.

Once I went away to college, I realized that maybe I wasn't a hideous beast and that boys could actually be interested in me. I went on a few dates here and there and went out with some great guys. I had coffee dates in bookshops and ice skating while holding hands dates. The dates (and the boys who went with them) were innocent and perfect.

But as soon as it started looking like an actual relationship, or any kind of commitment, I changed.

I wouldn't text back, I would try my hardest to ignore them, and I was just mean. The prospect of a relationship scared me- and I didn't know any other way out.

I wanted them to break up with me, to realize that I was actually terrible for them, and to move on, without me having to actually explain myself.

And it worked.

They would try for a while to keep texting and to figure out what was wrong. But after a few weeks of me ghosting them completely, they gave up. No more texts, no more flirty snapchats, and no more wondering.

In my weird, messed up brain, I had to ignore them so they would be the ones to break it off with me. I couldn't go through with an actual relationship because those were scary and unpredictable. If I just ignored them, then they would just eventually go away, and so would the confrontation of my issues with romantic relationships.

If there was even a chance of me getting into a relationship, I had already played everything out in my head. I had a tendency to end a relationship before it had even begun.

What if he didn't like the way I sang to show tunes in the morning? Or he never wanted to watch Disney movies because he thought that Disney was a collation of corrupt corporate mind control and greed? What if he hated children? Or eventually just got sick of me like everyone else?

I didn't want to take the chance. And I didn't want to get hurt.

I was struggling with self-worth and a horrible understanding of commitment. I didn't want to let people in and allow them to break my heart. I had built immense walls around me from events in my past and didn't want anyone coming in to tear them down.

I didn't want people to get to know the real me and hate her as much as I did.

The kind of person that is so focused on their own shit in their head can't be able to give their all to another person. I knew in my heart that what I was doing was destructive. I wanted so badly to be ready for a relationship, but I kept retreating back into safety, and I was bringing others down in the process.

So to all the boys I've ghosted in the past, I'm sorry I wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you the truth of why I just couldn't go there with you. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you or let you down.

I'm still learning how to appreciate myself. And right now, my focus isn't really on dating at all. I want to be happy by myself and with myself so that when someone eventually comes along, I can treat them with the love and respect they deserve.

But first I have to learn how to treat myself the same.