I was almost late to the parade because I took too long doing my hair. My aunt picked me up by the house to drive me to the school.
She already knew.
She dropped me off. I was driven down main street with the other homecoming royalty candidates and the other parade floats. Later, the king and queen were announced in the gymnasium. All of us stood, couple by couple, smiling at the audience.
I wonder how many of them knew.
When we were getting organized to take pictures, one of my classmates was crying. The others were anxiously trying to quiet her.
“Shh. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” she said.
I didn’t know why she was crying, but I wanted to do something to make her feel better.
They already knew.
I got home, happy and chatty. I wondered why so much of my family was there.
“Did I miss a family gathering?” I asked.
No one said anything. Then, I realized who was missing. Dad asked me to sit next to him, and he told me that Mom was gone.
That was three years ago. I know what it’s like to see my mother in a coffin and swear I could see her breathing. I know what it’s like to dream over and over of seeing her again, hearing her tell me that it was all a mistake and she wasn’t dead, and believing her every time. I know what it’s like to wake up from those dreams, feel the realization and tears, and then have to get up and to go to school.
Maybe you’ve been to funerals but never to one of someone that was a big part of your world. After dealing with my loss and seeing others deal with their own, I learned a lot about grieving that you need to know.
1. Not everyone responds the same way.
You see articles of people’s personal experiences, and they’ve made lists of things to say and things not to say, but really everyone is different. Some people hate euphemisms. Some people don’t want you to say “I’m sorry,” and their reasoning is that it’s not your fault. For one person, just having you to sit next to them is enough. Another person might get upset because you’re just sitting there not saying anything. Even some of the things I say in this article won’t apply to everyone.
In my situation, my family and friends had decided to wait until after the parade to tell me. They wanted me to enjoy myself. Since it’s a small town, word got out, and lots of people knew before I did. I wasn’t mad, but some people might have been.
For someone like me, I wanted help, but I had a hard time asking for it. I needed people to keep checking in on me. Other people might not want that.
Knowing this...
2. Try not to walk on eggshells.
I remember that people would try to comfort me by saying things that, in themselves, weren’t helpful. I didn’t really mind, though. I knew that people cared just because they were saying something to me.
I looked at all the people in line to give me hugs at the funeral and I knew most of them had no idea what to say, but they wanted to help. Just knowing that they cared was comforting. So, I didn’t really care if they said something that's on the cardinal list of things never to say to someone who's grieving.
I get that you don’t know what to say. When a friend of mine loses someone, I don’t know what to say to them, even though I’ve already been through it.
Here’s the most important thing:
3. Don’t try to fix it and take away their sadness. What they need is support.
Do not try to come up with something to say or do to fix it. Don’t try to distract them every time they’re sad. They. Need. To. Grieve.
These are some typical things people might say in an attempt to take away someone’s sadness (though that’s not always their intention).
“At least she lived a long life, many people die young.”
“He is in a better place.”
“There is a reason for everything.”
“Aren’t you over him yet? He has been dead for awhile now.”
“At least you still have your other parent/child/friends.”
“She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him.”
“She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.”
Just say, “What can I do for you?” Bring them Kleenexes, meals, snacks, or a gift box. Send them a card. A friend of mine stayed overnight with me after I found out about my mom.
There has to be a grieving process. Nothing will change that. However, little loving gestures can go a long way in helping them through that process.
