Many of you know that I lost my Mom to cancer almost four years ago. Granted things heal over time but there are just some days where I can't even look at a picture of her without bursting into tears. I am single as can be at the moment because it is beyond difficult to find someone who not only understands what its like for me to have lost my Mom but someone who can deal with how things hit me. I was in one relationship after I lost my Mom and since then, everything has changed. The things I value in a relationship like honesty, responsibility, all that jazz. This week I wanted to write an article about a few things I think people should know when they date someone who has lost a parent. I'm always finding new little things and saying "Oh, I wish so and so knew that when we were together." I've jotted a few of those thoughts down and maybe you can relate to some of them as well...
There are limits
Everyone has limits. Certain people don't like to be touched, other people don't like to kiss goodbye, for their own personal reasons. They may become lazy or have mood changes. One day they might need all of the cuddling you can offer them and the next they might isolate themselves from the world completely and totally push you away. When people talk about giving into people who act this way, they call it pity. IT IS NOT PITY. This person needs time to adjust to this dark chapter in their life, no matter how long it may take.
They will grieve in their own way
When my Mom first died, people tried to tell me the ways they grieved when they lost someone. The more opinions I heard on grieving, the more I began to think that the way I grieved was wrong and I was just doing this whole thing wrong. I was actually making myself more upset because I didn't grieve the way the people told me to. Now, I just take things one day at a time and when I need to cry, I cry. That's something you just can't hold back, in my opinion. Sometimes, even after a good cry, you feel so much better.
They need a support system like no other
When I lost my Mom, a ton of people were around because they all came to show their respects. But now, almost four years after her passing, there's nobody here...yeah, I'm sure people think of me and what happened, but do I ever hear anything from anybody? No. I don't. I used to love having a ton of people to go to when they were here because that just felt like a never ending chain of love. If one person had this to say, then this person had this to say, and so on and so forth, it just made me feel better knowing I had so many people care. Think of it this way; would you rather have a small Hershey's Kiss or a full Hershey bar? A Hershey bar because there's more to get from it and even if you want to pace yourself with how much you take in, you can do that. Just like your support system. You control who supports you and who doesn't.
They lost a major connection
When I lost my Mom, I lost my Mom. She was gone, she is gone. The woman who birthed me and brought me into this world, the woman who gave me life. The woman who would sing me to sleep when I didn't want to go to bed, the woman who would sit out on the patio and paint my nails and love the warm summer breeze. When a person loses a parent, from my experience at least, they don't have that person to go to in their life anymore. You have to find a way to respect that this person may feel a little lost even if you're dragging them in the direction you think they should be going in.
They will always have a reason to grieve
As dumb as this may sound, even though I knew how sick my Mom was and that she didn't have much time left, when she passed, it sent my entire world into shock. You might think, Well yeah, Morg, you knew how sick she was and the doctors said it would happen soon. But, many people can tell you things like when they think someone is going to die or how much time they "really" have left, etc. Want to know a secret about that? You never know when they are actually going to leave your life forever. In that moment that you find out that your loved one has passed, your whole outlook on life changes and even though you might have said those words to yourself once or twice in your head to "prepare," nothing ever prepares you for the real thing.