When I was younger I always thought the summer Olympics were so much cooler than the winter Olympics. I thought they had all the better events, like gymnastics, track, and swimming. Turns out, those are the only three events worth watching. Everything else is just thrown in there to round out the other few weeks, and every summer cycle I feel like they add even worse things (while taking away classics like wrestling, hello, one of the very founding and ancient events of the real Greek Olympics?!). So here are some of the lamest events and what I imagine would be way better substitutes.
1. Equestrian
A bunch of Europeans jumping horses around? What a snoozefest. This is one of the least watched events in the Olympics for a reason. Sorry rich people and your million dollar horses, I'm not interested in watching you prance, trot, canter, or whatever other horse things you do when I could be taking a nap or watching even fencing instead. The cooler alternative: jousting. Let's keep the horses and add some thrill of death and serious injury. Jousting was a huge hit in Medieval times and with current generational obsessions with violence, I'm willing to bet it would be a massive success.
2. Golf
Oh my god, they got rid of wrestling for this? I'd rather watch hours of TV static. Save the golf for ESPN 2 and lets keep real sports with less dumb outfits in the Olympics. The cooler alternative: using giant slingshots to launch fruit at large targets. Golfers are all about precision, and so are people who sling pumpkins across fields to hit targets. We can even open up the event to include watermelon and other varieties of gourd to appeal to everyone.
3. Skateboarding
This event hasn't started yet and will be brand new for Tokyo 2020 but I already hate it. We already have the X games, we don't need to drag this event to the esteemed Olympic stages. Sure, I bet it will be popular with the young crowd and it might even get exciting, but this just opens the door for a litany of other dumb events like in-line roller blading or shotgunning beers. The cooler alternative: bring in Rob Dyrdek to design a Fantasy Factory style obstacle course complete with skating in weird costumes, being launched into foam pits out of cannons, and being chased by wild animals.
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4. Shooting
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Let me preface this by saying I don't shoot things often. I shot a bb gun at the fair a few years ago, and was proficient with water guns as a child, but that's about it. That being said, I don't think marksmanship is a great demonstration of athletic ability. Yes there is skill involved, but it's not athletic--like Nascar or competitive eating. The cooler alternative: laser tag. Seriously, whats more fun than laser tag? We get to incorporate the skills of shooting with athletic abilities like speed and agility, and the courses could be insane.
5. Synchronized Swimming
This event feels so '1950's Hollywood movie sequence while the main female sings and daydreams of being a rich movie star and all the backup singers dive into the pool and swim around her, and I'm just not into it. It makes for some hilarious pictures, but unfortunately swimmers don't win medals for “Goofiest Faces.” This is the event your grandma watches and adores. The cooler alternative: team jello wrestling. Forget synchronized swimming, let's focus on synchronized attacks while sliding through a pool of jello. And to keep things in the spirit of equality, there would be men's and women's competitions. Bonus: the jello can be used to the feed the starving children of the host city after the event.
