The Horse: A Kind and Gentle Animal

1. Ears

Usually pinned back in a sign of aggression. Used by the horse to ignore the rider’s commands and pleas for mercy.

2. Mouth (see: Teeth)

[1] Contains the sharp dental appendages which are used to deter the rider from placing a bit in the horse’s mouth; [2] used to transfer grass from the ground to the rider’s clean riding breeches and white pressed button down immediately before the start of an exhibition, always unfailingly; [3] the main reason people claim to dislike horses.

3. Teeth (see: Bit)

[1] Sharp dental appendages which are often shown to a passing human by surprise using a strong and forceful bite to the shoulder, back, or arm; [2] to be held tightly closed as soon as the rider attempts to place a bit in the horse’s mouth, especially in times of urgency (i.e. before the start of an exhibition); [3] used to chew fences and stall doors, decorative structures built solely for horses to chew on.

4. Eyes

[1] Used to falsely display innocence to little girls in love with ponies and their parents’ ability to buy ponies [2] used to scan the surrounding area for objects the horse fears, which are one of two things: things that move, and things that don't move.

5. Mane (see: Tail)

When $125 is paid to a groom to braid this, it is immediately rubbed against the nearest wall or post to undo said braids.

6. Legs

[1] Used to (sometimes) propel the rider over colorful sticks raised above the ground; [2] Used to plow through colorful sticks raised above the ground instead of jumping over them; [3] used to strike at anything which enters a five foot vicinity.

7. Hooves

[1] Used to stop directly in front of a colorful raised stick after approaching at a full canter, often dismounting the rider (to the horse’s great dismay); [2] used to flatten a rider’s polished leather riding boots which “I can't believe I’m spending this much money on” (Mom, every time she buys riding boots); [3] used to stamp down onto whatever feet are in closest range [4] what the rider sees first when the horse makes the executive decision to end a ride.

8. Stomach (also: Underside of Barrel)

What the rider sees first when the horse makes the executive decision to end a ride.

9. Tail

A device covered in long fine hairs used to [1] strike at flies [2] strike at a rider trying to tack [3] strike at nothing.

10. Nose (Nostrils)

Used to transfer nasal contents from the nasal cavity onto a rider’s clean riding breeches and white pressed button down by means of snorting immediately before the start of an exhibition.

11. Withers

The reason why riders seldom ride and/or jump bareback.

12. Back

The location that the rider holds to stay on the horse.

The Horse: A Kind and Gentle Animal's Tack

1. Saddle (see: Girth)

A small slippery leather chair strapped onto a moving creature’s back with a thin length of cloth.

2. Girth (see: Saddle)

A thin length of leather or cloth, [sometimes] holds a saddle onto a moving creature’s back.

3. Reins

Thin pieces of leather which are often ignored.

4. Spurs

Short posts of iron which are often ignored.

5. Crop

Short stick/bat which is often ignored.

6. Bridle

Leather headgear for horses.

7. Bit

Metal steering mechanism placed in horse’s mouth, usually met by clenched teeth to refuse the bit.

8. Horse (see: All)

[1] The animal that tests, hurts, and angers, making me ask myself why I participate in such a sport [2] the source of my greatest pains and frustrations; [3] the thing that I love the most.