To The Relationship Built On Friendship

To All The Ones I've Loved Before: Part IV

We not only lost our relationship, but also our friendship.


Dear D,

When we first met, I wanted nothing to do with you. I thought you were the most obnoxious, inconsiderate person I had ever met.

For a while, I couldn't stand you. Every time you came up behind me and scared me to get my attention, I had to fight back the urge to push you.

For the longest time, being around you irritated my soul to the point where I thought I was allergic to you.

Later, I realized I didn't hate you; you're just an acquired taste.

After spending more time together at lunch with the group, you began to grow on me. It took a while, but I started to realize how much I was going to miss you when you graduated.

After barely seeing each other all summer, we started to spend more time together during the school year. I was super excited you were staying in town for college!

Most of our hangouts were with the group at first, but after the group broke up, things were never the same.

Our group hangouts became smaller and smaller until it was just you and me.

It took some getting used to, but I started to prefer it that way. Spending one-on-one time with you became my new favorite way to end my day.

Things started changing between us, but I couldn't quite figure out what was different. All I knew was we were becoming closer, and you became my best friend.

Eventually, we realized that there was something more between us. When you finally tried to kiss me, I got so nervous that I turned away and you accidentally kissed my hair. I was so embarrassed, but you were understanding about it.

When we finally established we were together, I was ecstatic! I wasn't on Cloud nine; I was on Cloud 10!

Being with you was easy. I could be my full authentic self around you, which isn't something I can say about most people.

I never felt nervous around you. Your presence gave me peace, which is something I rarely get to experience.

I still cherish all our park dates, walks, Chipotle dinners and phone calls.

When I noticed you pulling away from me, I figured you were just going through a hard time. It turned out you decided I didn't mean anything to you anymore.

When you broke up with me after ghosting me for a week, I resented you in ways I didn't know humanly possible.

Forgiving you took what seemed like forever, but somehow I managed to allow you back into my life as a friend.

Getting our friendship back meant more than the world to me. Losing you was unbearable. I not only lost a significant other but a best friend as well.

Life has taken us on completely separate paths, but I'm always here if you need me.

You're gonna do great things, I just know it. Keep your head up high, and the Universe will bless you in ways you could never imagine.

Good luck out there,


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To The Boy Who Hurt Me

A thank you to the one who broke me down.


As ironic as it may sound, I want to thank you.

There is no feeling in this world more powerful than love. People want to love, and to be loved in return. And when you find that person whom you want to love and be loved by, you love so deeply it hurts.

I met you and expected nothing like what happened. I was always the girl who thought that love was a myth because I had never experienced it for myself. Now that I have been in love, I can say without a doubt that I have never felt a feeling so powerful. I started talking to you with the intentions of just talking. I wouldn't have imagined things would lead to other things, and before I knew it, you would consume me. Love was a feeling I had always wanted to feel but was always too scared to let myself.

I have always been a girl who has battled with self-esteem issues. Back and forth I would go with myself, but the fear of one day not being good enough for someone never left my mind. I spent hours, which turned into days, that turned into years, convincing myself that there was someone out there that would accept me and love me unconditionally for me, but I didn't really believe it. This is why when I met you, I was very guarded. My walls stood tall, but that didn't mean I was opposed to letting them down. I was naive when it came to you. I fell for words, rather than actions. Never ever fall for words.

As time went on, I let my guard down little by little. I've always had socially awkward tendencies, so there were a lot of times in the beginning, that I avoided hanging out with you. Again, I was scared that you would see, notice, or be turned off by something about me. At this point, I was not in love with you. Just as I was beginning to tell myself I was crazy for thinking I wasn't good enough for you, I was informed that you were cheating on me.

My parents raised me right. No matter what anyone ever does to me, I will always forgive them and do everything possible to give them the benefit of the doubt. We didn't speak for a month, which gave me all the time in the world to sit and think. I sat in bed every night, listening to sad music, isolating myself from everyone, and of course, stalking your social media. I had to see how you were doing. I know it sounds immature, but I would never swallow my pride and text you first. Why would I? Stupidly enough, the thing that was most important to me at the time was finding out whether or not you had moved on already.

All the nights I spent thinking, a time or two, the thought of me missing you kept occurring. Let me rephrase that. Every night, the thought of me missing you kept occurring. I kept telling myself I was stupid, and you weren't worth it. However, it didn't take long for me to start to blame myself for you cheating on me. I would tell myself you needed attention from other girls because I wasn't giving you enough. This put me right back at square one. One night, you texted me. Lucky enough, it happened to be one of those nights I spent convincing myself that I was in the wrong, and deserved to be cheated on. I, of course, answered, trying my absolute hardest to act like I didn't care. You and I both knew that wasn't the case.

At this point, I was 100% convinced I was cheated on for a reason, and that reason was me. I didn't see you as being in the wrong, and that's where I myself when wrong. I decided I should give you another chance, and I should give myself a chance to show you the girlfriend I could be. You were, of course, all for it. It was then, that I knew I had to get over everything holding me back from having anything real the first time.

The first time we hung out since we got back together, you took my virginity. It was such a vigorous feeling that I had never felt before. Afterward, you cuddled me, making sure every five minutes that I was okay. Asking me if I needed anything, or if I was sure that I was fine. I was quiet, mostly because I was trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. You could tell something was wrong and it bothered you to see me that way. To me, I thought that meant you cared.

Not even a week later, my best friend told me you were trying to get with her.

I was devastated. I cried my eyes out for an hour after I found out. Then, I saw you in person. I asked you why I wasn't good enough, and you had nothing to say. I asked you what she had to offer that I didn't, and again, you had nothing to say. You started to cry, and as much as I should've kicked you out of my car and erase you from my memory, I wanted to hug you. It hurt me to see you cry. Oh, it hurt me so badly. It hurt even more when you got out of the car to go into your house. I thought that was it. I was expecting you to text me when you got inside, but you didn't. This is when I knew I was in love with you. I told myself that if you texted me, I wasn't going to answer. But I wanted you to text me so I would know you were thinking about me.

A week or two later, your mom invited me to dinner with your family. I missed you so much, I figured, why not go? As we ate I just stared at you. As I sat by you in the car, I felt a certain warmth from your leg on mine, and as hard as I was trying to stop myself from feeling this way, I couldn't stop it. We went back to your house, and up to your room to talk about things. We started out on opposite sides of the bed as you started to talk about your mistakes. Before I knew it, you were laying on my chest as I rubbed my fingers through your hair, telling you everything was going to be okay. Time went on, and we ended up back together again. Third times a charm, right? People looked at me like I was stupid. I lost friends. My mom hated me for it. But I didn't care. I wanted you, and nothing more.

From this point on, we did everything together. This is what being in love was. I was finally experiencing it, and it just didn't seem real to me. I was on the bleachers of your football games every Friday night. I would then stay at your house afterward. They aren't lying when they say there's no better feeling than waking up next to the person you love. Sleeping alone wasn't the same once I got used to sleeping with your arms around me. We rode four-wheelers. We baked cookies. We carved pumpkins. We set up the Christmas tree. We went to church. We did everything together, and that gave me a high I thought I would never come down from. I grew such a strong connection with your family. We would all sit in the living room together and watch Christmas movies. We would have dinner together. Your mom considered me a daughter of her own, and always made sure I was taken care of. I thought everything had fallen into place, finally. Don't even get me started about what we did in our free time. When I felt your skin against mine, I felt at home, and I finally saw and felt everything I had ever wanted. I was finally comfortable with my body, and I wanted to share it with you. I wanted everything of mine to be yours. Your touch was so strong, and even a gesture as simple as you put your hand on my thigh, gave me chills. You had me wrapped around your finger, and you were wrapped around mine. So I thought. You were my everything, but I was never yours.

As saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Being with you made me insane. It made me hateful. I was so focused on what you were doing, and trying to keep you all about me, that I forgot to love myself. My attention was consumed by me doing everything in my power to keep yours. It made me an entirely different person. My friends no longer wanted to be around me. My mom could see a difference in me. Being cheated on leaves you with major trust issues, and it's not something you can fully understand until you've been through it. You knew I had trust issues, and when I brought them up to you, you would get angry with me for bringing up the past, so I conditioned myself to push my feelings aside as much as possible. Now, I am scared to love again, because I think everyone is going to let me down the way you did, time and time again.

But, thank you.

First, thank you for teaching me that I am capable of loving that much. I will never regret falling in love, I just regret falling in love with you. Also, thank you for breaking me down. It gave another man a chance, or more importantly, it gave ME a chance to build myself back up. You were like a drug to me, and I was an addict going through withdraws, but somewhere along the line, I realized my self worth in a way I never have before. I now know that my body is sacred, and any man lucky enough to see me in my most vulnerable state, better not take advantage of me. I appreciate myself and realize that others need to as well. I now know how much better I deserve, and refuse to settle again. Yes, I do have permanent scars, but I'm better off now than I was before I met you. So thank you. Thank you for everything. I am stronger because of you.

It's now me that receives your 3 a.m. texts and calls telling me you miss me and need me in your life. Funny how the tables have turned, isn't it?

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I'm Scared To Ask Boys To Hang Out Because Society Has Led Me To Believe That I'll Seem Desperate

Ladies, would you ask a man out?


Let's get this all out, I'm an anxious person. I suffer from "slight" anxiety, I wouldn't say it's horrible, but I deal with it. Nerves, it's something I'm quite familiar with in life, nerves and I are friends, actually. I've dealt with "slight" anxiety for years and it has stopped me from doing many things, which I regret. My "slight" anxiety has reappeared once again in the situation involving the male gender.

I'm not going to act as I've never talked to boys before because I have and it's not the scariness things for me, but when it involves boys I like, it's a whole new situation. Once I start developing any sort of feelings for boys I like, I turn into an anxious mess. That over-thinking, can't say the right words, too scared to embarrass myself anxious mess.

Well recently, that anxious feeling mess of myself has undoubtedly come back to life in some shape or form with this one particular boy. I think it's time to dive into Aby's semi-complicated by not really complicated sort of, just being dramatic love life. So, there's this boy that I've found attractive for quite a while, it's great to admire from afar. I always knew he was there, we were friendly, and nothing really came from that until recently.

In the past month or so this boy has been giving me the most mixed signals I've ever had in my lifetime. Do you like me? Do you not? Are you flirting with me? Ae you just being friendly? I've liked many boys in my time, but I've never thought so much about what this one particular boy and what his deal is? It's been over a month and I still can't figure him or it out, so I've been thinking of doing something every girl is somewhat afraid of, asking a boy to hang out.

I know, it sounds so small and sort of dumb, but doing something like this petrifies and turns me into a nervous, anxious mess. I'll be one hundred percent honest that I want a summer fling, someone to do all those fun things together without the commitment of a boyfriend. It's the beginning of summer, which means I need to start sorting my options out right now.

Here's the issue, I want to ask him to hang out, but I'm scared to ask because I don't want to seem desperate at all. Society has led us to believe that men should be asking girls out instead of vice-versa. In all honesty, it's a bit messed up, but I've been led to believe that "guys ask girls out". So, I've always waited to be asked out because that's what society has taught me and that's what I've allowed.

Now, I'm preparing myself to ask this boy to hang out and I'm getting quite anxious, all the possibilities. What if he doesn't like me? Thinks I'm ugly? Figures out that I can't drive? Hates me? Thinks I'm annoying, oh gosh, the endless possibilities. One thing I know is that I have to try, so I'm going to be bold and ask him to hang out.

It's scary, I'm scared, but I'll never know if I don't try, which is true. Life is filled with mysteries and you won't know if you don't look, right? So, I'm going to get over my anxiety and just try, wish me luck in attempting to ask this boy to hang out.

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