I'm nineteen and have always had a sick brain. That thing has just never wanted to work the right way, it's like it belongs to someone else and it refuses to work for me. Some days I manage, other days I completely lose my shit. Lately, it's totally been the latter.
I've been in therapy since I was eight and on brain pills since I was thirteen. Fun, right? The meds that I'm on now I have been on for a lovely two and a half year ride and now I have to part ways and say goodbye to one of them. When you're on brain pills you never really know how much your reality is altered until you come off of them and live in "normal" people reality. Let me say, normal people reality fucking sucks. I don't like it here and never want to visit this place.
For the past week I've been slowly saying goodbye to my blue and white lovers one by one. Each day seems to have 48 hours and nine million more thoughts than usual. I have cried more in the past week than I did the first time I watched "Marley & Me." I cried during the wedding scene in "Twilight" because I was with my girlfriend and wanted to have that with her but then got paranoid that she'd leave me and I'd never have that with her. I've walked every single inch of my room. I've eaten two meals a day and slept maybe five hours each night. I've also played about 50 to 60 games if not more of solitaire each day because it's the only thing that gets my mind to stop.
So. What the fuck do I do? I can't even go to the doctor today because my doctor isn't there. Every sound is ten times louder than normal and so is every thought. I can't take it anymore. I guess this is my letter of telling myself to survive and that it's going to be okay? It is going to be okay? Right? Everyone says it will be. I say that I'm okay but am I?
My brain is sick. Really sick. It has been for a really long time. Reality hit this time, your version not mine. My altered reality is gone right now and I'm running trying to get it back. I'll keep running until I find it again but right now I need you to know that your reality is much different then mine. I'm living in your world now. I'm sick and that's okay because you're so healthy. You've lived here before but I just moved in. I just moved in and I don't now where to go. I'll figure it out soon and sooner I'll move back out.
My brain is sick and that's okay, I guess. You just have to know that you and I aren't compatible living together unless we are separated by a bubble. It's going to be back soon. It's okay if your brain is sick too.