Everything seems to be changing, school is beginning, Greek life is booming, and the inevitable anxiety over change rises up inside of me. I am thrilled to continue furthering my education, something that I thought I could not do because of my panic attacks and frequent episodes set me back so far, but I am.
This does scare me however because I fear I may mess up again, you see being left alone for just an hour can send my brain into overdrive, into sheer panic and next thing I know I'm running across town to get to my safety net all whilst hyperventilating and trying not to become more anxious over what people think of me in this state. I shift between the thrill of trying new things and making new friends (something I have always struggled with) and being downright distraught over my next move.
I worry about things that are not even in the foreseeable future, things I have really no business worrying about quite yet, but I still do. I am begging to be released from this hell, hoping that there is an end to this madness because I am exhausted. I no longer enjoy the things that once brought me solace, they have come to be mere distractions. All these changes have me lashing out at those I love and I want them to know that I truly am sorry. I do my best to help myself, I do my best not to run away and ruin the only good things in my life.
I long to have people understand me and to help me get through this but the truth is I am not sure if anyone wants to spend their Friday night holding me until I can breathe again or sitting with me for ten hours straight to make sure my mood does not change at the drop of a hat, frankly I know it's exhausting to have people in your life that need you that much but I simply do. I love my friends that I do have, and I would love to make more but it seems that the more and more I am open about my reality the grimmer the prospect of new friendships become. I hope that my vulnerability can somehow help me out someday but for now, this is my struggle and mine alone.
I do hope it gets better but as I always say, we shall see. I am so sorry if I cannot come out of this if the changes are too much if you end up sinking with me. I am wishing for better days, even though they may never come. My mind is dark and twisted and it proves more and more dangerous as time goes on, I am running out of options but change is inevitable so please if you can, be a friend. Not only to me but to everyone because you never really know until you walk a mile in their shoes.