Being a Dallas Cowboys fan takes a hell of your toll on your health. The emotional roller coaster that awaits you is both exciting and frightening. But being from New Jersey, where the heavily supported teams are two of the Dallas Cowboys’ biggest rivals, that roller coaster ride begins to suck. As a die-hard fan, I will support my team through their regular and consistent 8-8 seasons with the occasional better-than-mediocre season. But the one thing I will not stand for are these annoying New York Giants and Philadelphia Eagles fans.

1. Giants Fans

There is nothing I dislike more than to hear words escape the mouth of a notorious Giants’ fan. The excruciating pain they put me through is just unbearable. These overly loud fans usually reside in the mountains of North Jersey where nothing makes sense and pork roll is referred to as “Taylor Ham.” These fans are made up of two types of people: the fans who know nothing about football but “love” it and then the fans who hold on to the fact that their team won two Super Bowls in the past ten years even though their team has changed drastically since. The first type of Giants’ fan is not really a football fan at all. I recall a conversation I had with a girl once when I asked her, “Hey, what do you think about the Giants starting Nick Foles against the Cowboys this week?” Her response was “Oh yeah, he’s going to walk all over the Cowboys.” Run that one by me one more time? In case you didn’t know, Nick Foles was the QB of the Eagles at the time and she had absolutely no idea. Moving on to the fans who actually know football. My only real gripe with these kinds of Giants’ fans is the fact that when the Cowboys do beat them, which happens a decent amount, they stay silent, all you hear is crickets. However, when they do win on those rare and extremely depressing occasions, they come out in full force proclaiming themselves as Super Bowl champs even though its only one week into the season. On a more positive side, I believe they are one of the luckiest teams to ever win two Super Bowls against Tom Brady. How it happened is beyond me. I will admit, though, that Eli Manning is a funny guy, just look at this great face:

2. Eagles Fans

There are a few things that make me fear for my life, Eagles fans being one of them. I won’t bash on the team too hard due to the fact that they do an excellent job of destroying their fans emotionally year after year, and I sympathize with that. So I’ll just bash on their fans instead. These South Jersey fans are a violent bunch, ready to terrorize anyone who walks through Hickville, New Jersey, and Philly with anything but that stupid bird on their apparel. If you like to live life on the edge like me, deck your car out in Cowboys colors and drive through the heart of the “City of Brotherly Love.” Watch how fast you get flipped the bird or get brake checked. I will admit, most of these fans do know their football, but my response to Eagles fans who want to talk smack is always the same:

3. The Dallas Cowboys

Now it’s only fair that I admit to the fact that being a Cowboys fan means I’m usually living in the past glory days when we won five Super Bowls with teams made up of less than civilized people and convicts. Since 1996, we have only won three playoff games only to lose the following games. Every year, the Cowboys social media team will hype up the team saying this is the year we make it all the way, only to be crushed over and over again with some sort of ridiculous incidents whether it be injuries, icing our own kicker, or having a QB who throws three picks in five throws. It’s essentially like being given a brand new Ferrari every year to watch it get lit on fire in front of you and then promising you’ll get a new one next year. Maybe one day, when I’m old and senile, rocking in my rocking chair at the nursing home, yelling obscene things at my nurse, I’ll witness another Super Bowl where the Cowboys win.

Not quite a Ferrari but it is fitting:

Whatever team you support in the NFC East, it’s safe to say you’re in for a soul crushing year. The Cowboys are suffering too many injuries to do well so I’m not sure why Romo told Brady we’ll see them in February, unless he’s going to go Super Saiyan. The Giants barely beat a torn apart Cowboys team and are as cocky as ever. The Eagles are unfortunately relying on Chip Kelly’s absurd and bewildering calls to win. And then there’s just the Redskins, who pretty much just exist.