"-you may realize that this relationship means more than either of you can comprehend and is worth saving." This line was apart of an article I'm reading titled "Healing After Being Cheated On And Whether to Stay in the Relationship or Not" by Elanda-Isabella Atencio. She brings up Setting My Own Boundaries, Taking Care of Myself, Feeling Paranoid and Questioning Everything- honestly, everything that I am going through knowing my boyfriend...ex-boyfriend chose to go behind my back with another girl. I can handle receiving the shock from the girl he was seeing.

I can take in all the thoughts and feelings of disgust with my body because how dare he touches me the day after laying down with her in her bed! How dare he hide his feelings from me when I always asked him to show me. Just show me how he really felt. So long and so much I wanted him to show me how he felt. From the moment I first met him I wanted to feel his arms around my waist from behind- and I had that. I wanted my vision to be real.

I saw every step forward and not one of those moments has come to the present yet because time hasn't brought it-- and everything in me right now still wants each second to come to pass. Everything in me wants to hear a heartbeat I'm afraid has already stopped beating. Everything in my soul wants more than anything for our bed to only be ours to have and share...For our lives to go back to how they were- me and him. ONLY me and him, and Betty. So much time and energy and effort put in. So much love and care and thankless doings that I don't even do for my family. But feeling all this is okay.

I know I need to focus on me. Heal for me. Not healing to go back to him. Not hoping he changes for me, even though I know he is. I have to not blame myself for not feeling like I was enough for him when I'm three sizes greater than enough for anyone who believes they can try to love me. And knowing that he is the one person who loves me greatest at this moment (besides my mom) is beyond nerve-wracking. I know that I only feel this way because he is...was...was....was...he was my happiness.

My everything.

Leaving him each day for class and work was hell but it calmed me to know I get to feel his touch in only a few hours. Knowing that I had a home before I knew what home means to me compared to what I was brought up believing a home is "supposed to be". But one thing I realized about myself since last Thursday, I allow everyone around me except him to manage my decisions. I still very much rely on my mother to make deep decisions for me. I allow Victor and Chiko to place their very protective personalities as my guides through life when I need to focus on me by myself as my own person.

Make changes and decisions alone. It isn't that I'm paranoid or trying to distract myself from the issue. No. No. In all honesty, at this point right now, I am processing my emotions and my reactions. I am processing that I have created a much larger issue outside of just me and him, and I wish I hadn't but I am the type of person who needs to vent to people I know will listen while he is not. Never has been.

Sigh...realizations can really transform a person. For better or worse? I don't know. That was the intended promise but you know who knows if that will ever be fulfilled. Our connection is literally only being supported by the last few times we have- our foundation. It began with friendship then became sex but then back to friendship and courtship. To those who have been there, they would disagree. But yall don't know him like me and I am comfortable saying that I love him but I can not love him right now.

The wounds are still very fresh and are sitting wide open and this cold sudden winter air is only making it burn. Everything in me wants to crawl up next to him, close my eyes, and listen to his heartbeat because I am genuinely afraid it has stopped beating. I couldn't forgive myself if it has. But I am not allowing this to be a situation of manipulation but getting myself to realize what I need before what I want. Getting myself to be stronger than I was and come to terms with who I am and become better for me and only me.

Processing is not easy. Healing is harder. Regaining trust in him is hell. Loving myself enough- timeless.

I never knew I could be in love like this. It is kinda crazy how life can take someone out of your life and bring you, someone, better but....frankly, I want no one else.