How To Bloom After A Toxic Relationship

How To Bloom After A Toxic Relationship

Here's my personal story of being in a toxic relationship and how to bloom after ending one.


At some point in our lives, we've all experienced love that has turned out to be nothing but a lesson. It was the summer before my senior year of high school that I thought I had found true love for the first time. Although it sounds very cliche, I had my summer romance and one of the best summers of my life. That summer was all about rainbows and butterflies until reality hit, and senior year of high school began. The different paths that were to be taken, but there was still a year ahead to figure it all out. The different routines began the different lifestyles. They all began but they were all changed in order for them to emerge into one routine.

All the moments and summer memories with my significant other at the time, I used to think those were the good old times. Every second was spent with that certain person that my whole world used to revolve around him and his around myself. Not only routines were shared, but also certain phrases and habits were characteristics that we would share. It completely affected my friendships and even my relationships with my family. That wasn't the main problem at the time. November came around and so was the "future plans" talk.

Seventeen-year-old me had always dreamt of going to college and perhaps even moving out of home to become more independent and obtain my education at the same time. His plans were completely different at the time, he wanted to start a business. That was the first breakup, as I remember it was over the "future" talk. During the weekend that came after, acts of dishonesty towards that significant others were committed and perhaps a sign that the relationship should have really ended then.

I can flash forward you to when it was considered a toxic relationship; getting back together. We all make mistakes as humans, and especially when we are young and immature. Sometimes we think that everything is meant to last forever but I truly do believe everything happens for a reason. A toxic relationship can be identified as a toxic one at the moment you don't recognize yourself anymore because you are constantly trying to fix something that has already been broken to the point you lose yourself. The days became weeks, the weeks became months of constant arguments that would never end. I never questioned why I remained in that position taking it all in because deep down I thought that was what love came with.

My grades, relationships, friendships, class attendance, my whole life collapsed down as this toxic relationship continued to consume every last bit of me. One day, my AP Literature noticed something was wrong with me and talked to me personally. She was the first person I had talked to about the situation and she advised me to let it all go for it to finally end. Deep down, I had hope for it to all go back to normal since I was deeply mentally and physically attached to that significant other. I wished for that summer to repeat itself and for it to start all over again. I know he lost himself as well, he wasn't that sweet guy I had fallen in love with that summer. I didn't recognize him, and he didn't recognize himself.

It was exactly last spring that was my breaking point. Graduation awaited for me in a matter of only a couple of months. So was the college decision, and the financial aids packages which I had totally ignored for months. I had goals before he crossed my path, I had friends and I had a whole new chapter waiting for me. Although, it wasn't as easy as I can say it now to "just let go, and move on." It was the last breakup and the final one.

My class schedule was changed and I no longer shared class periods with him. I no longer even shared lunch with him. I began to drive my own car to school every morning, my own alarm would wake me up in absence of his phone calls. Everything had changed for good. These actions took days, then weeks, then May had finally arrived.

Blooming after a toxic relationship takes time. It is not the day right after the final breakup. Or the day that all the social media pictures are finally taken down. And it is totally okay to be alone as you are letting go, just as okay as crying yourself to sleep. But it is also okay to speak up, to find a friend or a teacher or even your mom and share to them that you are not okay. You don't have to go into details if you are not comfortable.

Some relationships end up more toxic than others, mine was mentally toxic. But it was over before it became a physical toxic one. It took me exactly one summer and my first semester of college to fully heal from that summer romance that became a toxic relationship. Focus on yourself and your goals, because no matter how attached you are to your significant other you are still one whole without them. They do not complete you, they are only there to compliment you...

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To The Boy I Almost Fell In Love With, We Weren't Ready For Each Other

I don't think we were ready to be what we wanted to be for each other.


Hey you,

Look who's showing affection now.

I know you've been wondering if I'd mention you. I didn't think I would, period. Not this soon, that's for sure.

I'll start by saying neither of us meant for each other to play even a little bit of a role in each other's lives. Not as meaningful as we did, at least.

But no matter how unsure I was, no matter how many times I wanted to block you and leave everything unsaid, I couldn't help fighting through it just to know you.

The time we spent together never felt like enough. And I can't even speak in past tense because you're still here sometimes. Like when I think of your smile and how every part of me craved and waited anxiously for it to make an appearance, especially if it was because of me.

I used to think of it more, back when I thought you'd realize you made a mistake. Back when I thought we'd pick up where we left off.

I knew when I met you I wanted to show you every side of me. But what caught me by surprise, just like most things about you did, is that every time a layer of mine shed, yours did as well.

There are pieces of me, naked and raw. Physically and emotionally, locked away in your brain that nobody else will ever see. At least not in the way you did.

The purpose you had in my life was slight, in the long run. But regardless, you had a purpose and I want you to know that. I forgive you. I hope you know that me, out of all people, knows we can't control ourselves sometimes. Sometimes, we fuck up. Most of the time, it makes no fucking sense. All of the time, we'll try to figure it out and never will.

I don't think I'm falling in love with you anymore.

I'm sorry for saying I've never felt that way before about anyone, that was a lie.

I'm also sorry for being 8 shots deep when I said it.

That morning, I wanted us to cross paths again. I didn't think for a second you'd ever make me an option. I kinda thought I was your exception, your "just this once" because that's what you were to me.

This morning, I'm not sure we serve a purpose in each others lives. Not yet at least. Or ever for that matter. I don't think we were ready to be what we wanted to be for each other. And because I don't wanna reach out to you personally, I want you to know that I can't wait to see both of our many dreams come true.

I'm thankful for all of the little trips we took, stories and giggles shared, secrets whispered, ideas we cultivated, heart palpitations, and everything in between.

I won't forget.

I also won't cowardly push it away, like you're doing.

I don't blame timing, the universe, karma or any of that bullshit for the way things turned out.

At least on my end, I knew when I met you it wasn't forever. I think at the end of the day we both knew we were going to be the inspiration we needed to keep moving forward. Maybe a little more inspiration than we bargained for.

And maybe a little more forward than we bargained for, too.

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To The Guy Who Told Me Not To Be Me, Nice Try

He will not silence me.


He told me to never cut my hair short because it would make me look too masculine.

So, I sent him pictures of three different pixie cuts and asked him which one I should get.

He told me not to wear red lipstick because it made me look like a slut.

So, I bought every shade from blush rose to maroon.

He told me not to buy heels taller than one and a half inches tall because it's unattractive for a girl to be taller then the guy she is with.

My favorite shop was having a sell on a beautiful pair of three-inch stilettos. I bought them.

He told me that I was putting on a few extra pounds and that I shouldn't order dessert on our next dinner date.

Did he honestly think I would say no to the red velvet cake that our waitress offered?

He flirted with the waitress, saying that I should "look more like her."

I wrote down his number on our receipt before we left the restaurant.

He told me not to leave my "feminine products" on the counter because it's embarrassing.

When his friends came over for guys night, I organized my tampons and pads nicely on the bathroom shelf.

He told me that I couldn't talk to my best friend of 12 years because he was a guy.

I invited him to watch a movie with us at the local cinema the following week.

He told me not to order wine at the bar with him and his work friends because he didn't want me to seem "trashy."

I ordered jack and coke instead.

He told me not to be a feminist because it meant that I thought I was better than him.

My new "GIRL PWR" shirt is my favorite.

He told me to be silent.

He told me that I think too much and that I speak what I think too often.

He told me nobody cares about what I have to say.

He told me that the things I say don't matter.

So, I wrote a poem about him.

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