How To Bloom After A Toxic Relationship

How To Bloom After A Toxic Relationship

Here's my personal story of being in a toxic relationship and how to bloom after ending one.

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At some point in our lives, we've all experienced love that has turned out to be nothing but a lesson. It was the summer before my senior year of high school that I thought I had found true love for the first time. Although it sounds very cliche, I had my summer romance and one of the best summers of my life. That summer was all about rainbows and butterflies until reality hit, and senior year of high school began. The different paths that were to be taken, but there was still a year ahead to figure it all out. The different routines began the different lifestyles. They all began but they were all changed in order for them to emerge into one routine.

All the moments and summer memories with my significant other at the time, I used to think those were the good old times. Every second was spent with that certain person that my whole world used to revolve around him and his around myself. Not only routines were shared, but also certain phrases and habits were characteristics that we would share. It completely affected my friendships and even my relationships with my family. That wasn't the main problem at the time. November came around and so was the "future plans" talk.

Seventeen-year-old me had always dreamt of going to college and perhaps even moving out of home to become more independent and obtain my education at the same time. His plans were completely different at the time, he wanted to start a business. That was the first breakup, as I remember it was over the "future" talk. During the weekend that came after, acts of dishonesty towards that significant others were committed and perhaps a sign that the relationship should have really ended then.

I can flash forward you to when it was considered a toxic relationship; getting back together. We all make mistakes as humans, and especially when we are young and immature. Sometimes we think that everything is meant to last forever but I truly do believe everything happens for a reason. A toxic relationship can be identified as a toxic one at the moment you don't recognize yourself anymore because you are constantly trying to fix something that has already been broken to the point you lose yourself. The days became weeks, the weeks became months of constant arguments that would never end. I never questioned why I remained in that position taking it all in because deep down I thought that was what love came with.

My grades, relationships, friendships, class attendance, my whole life collapsed down as this toxic relationship continued to consume every last bit of me. One day, my AP Literature noticed something was wrong with me and talked to me personally. She was the first person I had talked to about the situation and she advised me to let it all go for it to finally end. Deep down, I had hope for it to all go back to normal since I was deeply mentally and physically attached to that significant other. I wished for that summer to repeat itself and for it to start all over again. I know he lost himself as well, he wasn't that sweet guy I had fallen in love with that summer. I didn't recognize him, and he didn't recognize himself.

It was exactly last spring that was my breaking point. Graduation awaited for me in a matter of only a couple of months. So was the college decision, and the financial aids packages which I had totally ignored for months. I had goals before he crossed my path, I had friends and I had a whole new chapter waiting for me. Although, it wasn't as easy as I can say it now to "just let go, and move on." It was the last breakup and the final one.

My class schedule was changed and I no longer shared class periods with him. I no longer even shared lunch with him. I began to drive my own car to school every morning, my own alarm would wake me up in absence of his phone calls. Everything had changed for good. These actions took days, then weeks, then May had finally arrived.

Blooming after a toxic relationship takes time. It is not the day right after the final breakup. Or the day that all the social media pictures are finally taken down. And it is totally okay to be alone as you are letting go, just as okay as crying yourself to sleep. But it is also okay to speak up, to find a friend or a teacher or even your mom and share to them that you are not okay. You don't have to go into details if you are not comfortable.

Some relationships end up more toxic than others, mine was mentally toxic. But it was over before it became a physical toxic one. It took me exactly one summer and my first semester of college to fully heal from that summer romance that became a toxic relationship. Focus on yourself and your goals, because no matter how attached you are to your significant other you are still one whole without them. They do not complete you, they are only there to compliment you...

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Stop Saying Your Friend 'Chose' Her Boyfriend Over You, The Pity Party Is Over

Your inability to be happy for others is getting old.

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First, let me start by saying that SOMETIMES this is what happens and you do get booted. However, most of the time when that happens your friend is in an unhealthy relationship and is being cut off from friends and family. If that is the case, you should get over yourself and be more concerned about your friends' safety and health than if you got “chosen" or not. If your friend has an awesome boyfriend and still outright disregards you and your feelings and chooses her boyfriend over you, then she was not your friend in the first place.

Now that that's cleared up, let's talk about how we as people should be kind and supportive and genuinely happy for those we claim to love.

So your friend that you do everything with got a boyfriend, things are going to change.

It's part of growing up. Your friendship dynamic is going to change. Instead of spending all weekend from Friday night to Sunday night together binge-watching Netflix and eating junk food you might only get a Saturday lunch and movie, a mani/pedi sometime during the week, or a late night hour-long phone call. Don't be bitter, don't try and make your friend feel guilty or even try to cut your friend out of your life just because you're not getting the attention that you want. Your friend cherishes your friendship and the guilt trip can make her feel so terrible about the fact she loves a boy and wants to spend time with him.

When you guilt your friend for spending time with her boyfriend, you become the one who chooses someone else over the friendship. You choose your own personal selfishness over the happiness of your friend.

You break your friend's heart when you give them this guilt trip.

She thought you wanted her to be happy, but now she feels miserable. She wants to be there for you but your angry, selfish bitterness is pushing her away, and the sad part is she feels it's her fault. Don't make your friend feel this way.

Your friend still wants to be your friend, she just now has someone she loves differently than she's ever loved someone before.

This person, her boyfriend, holds an extremely special part of her heart and has the potential to be her forever person, her future husband. Give them the space and peace of mind, knowing that you're supporting her through it all, to discover this!

The truth is, your friend wants to choose you both but you're the one who is not allowing her to do that. Examine your actions and thoughts and how you're treating your friend before you exclaim she was the one who ended the friendship.

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When I Experience These 15 Things, I'll Know I've Found 'The One'

It's all based on trial and error.

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It's easy for me to think that because I'm hitting my twenties, I'm behind romantically. Especially when people around me are entering serious relationships, getting engaged, or even married. I've tried putting in some initiative and had some failed dating attempts and I've tried to just let the chips fall where they may and wound up pretty lonely. Any mistake I've made has brought me closer to figuring out what I need. And I've figured out that loneliness isn't that bad if I let myself be good company. And through all of it, I'm discovering that I'll know when it's my time.

Love doesn't have an expiration date. I'm not behind, and people already madly in love aren't ahead. We're all on different paths with different destinations. Comparing my life to others' only makes me miserable. There isn't any one aspect of my life I should rush.

As with all things, finding "the one" will just be a thing that happens when it's supposed to and I'll be able to feel it. I've always paid a lot of attention to how people around me make me feel, and there are really rare occasions where the vibe is immediately electrifying.

1. My head and my heart will finally be in agreement about something

I always find myself getting in my head, or my heart takes full control of a situation and my head. They hardly ever work together to establish a happy medium where love and logic work together to make sure I'm happy. When I've found the person who is sensible and who my heart beats out of my chest for, I'll know he's the one person for me.

2. I won't have to hold myself back

I know I can be a lot sometimes. My friends and family are all too aware of how extra I can get. They bring it out of me because they love it. But around some people, I get nervous and can't be myself. I think I'll know right away who I can be my whole entire self around. They won't want me to be any other way.

3. I'll want to be my best self

Because he'll deserve the best of me. I won't change anything about myself that I wouldn't on my own, but I'll grow with the person I'm meant to be with. It's always bothered me when people think they have to completely change themselves or the person they're with so they can be happy, but I understand that growth is a part of life. Nothing stays the same, and it shouldn't.

4. I won't be afraid to cry

This one is huge for me. I can be such an emotional person, but I find myself holding back my tears if I have the slightest inkling I'll be judged. I've only cried in front of a few family members and even fewer friends. This is the ultimate way I can tell if I'm completely comfortable with someone. I want to be with someone who isn't afraid of feelings. There's a beauty to vulnerability and I want to have that.

5. He'll match my excitement level

The most gut-wrenching, soul-crushing thing I've experienced is having people I really care about making me feel pathetic for caring about something. I want someone to love the way my eyes light up when I hear a song I really like, or when I gush about my day. I get excited really easily about the smallest stuff, and maybe that is pathetic. But the right person will understand that I show my love by expressing my passions, even the smallest ones.

6. I'll tell him EVERYTHING

This ties into the last one. With how easily entertained I get, it's easy for me to ramble about things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but that are important to me. The guy who's right for me won't mind carrying a conversation on for forever. I don't want to ever feel like either one of us is being ridiculous just because we really care about something.

7. My wildest dreams will seem attainable

This may be naive of me to think, but I want to be with someone who makes me feel like nothing is impossible. I guess that just means I want to be encouraged, which I would hope isn't a crazy idea. And I hope I give someone else that sense too. We should be a family that reaches for the stars. I was raised with the belief that I'm capable of anything as long as I think I am, and I want that mindset to carry me through the rest of my life.

8. I won't ever be embarrassed

We all deserve to have someone in our lives that we completely trust. I want to be able to relax and know that I have one person who loves me enough to accept every part of who I am. I don't want to take life too seriously with the person I'll be spending all of it with. I want to be able to make an ass of myself, or sing horribly in the car with full confidence, or burn an entire dinner shamelessly and fearlessly.

9. I'll want to spend all my time with him, but we'll both know that can't happen

The healthiest relationships are built on trust. I think part of that is understanding that you can be individuals and trust that when you're not together the bond is still there. There's nothing wrong with having full lives outside of one another; friendships, careers, and separate interests. I never want to forget who I was before I was with someone else because I'm a big fan of her.

10. I'll never be bored

I don't do well with not having something to fill my time. It's really easy to keep me entertained, so this isn't asking much of someone. And yet I've been out with guys who have left me wondering if I still had a pulse by the end of the night. I just want to be able to laugh nonstop or have a deep conversation that gets my wheels turning. When given the chance, I can talk for hours about the wildest things — aliens, the afterlife, songs I'm listening to, you name it. I've managed to stay amused without having someone around all the time, so I'm definitely not about to have less fun when there's someone else in the picture.

11. I'll never have to lie because the truth will always be okay

I hate lying, and that's a really good thing because I'm so bad at it. I don't want to ever feel like I can't be honest with the person I love, no matter how little the issue is. I want to feel confident that we can just laugh it off or communicate well enough for everything to work out. I feel really anxious about the future when I see people in relationships getting by on little fibs because I never want to take life so seriously that I think the truth will do that much damage.

12. Everything will be better

I think this thought has sprung from the idealistic side of my brain that is covered in glitter and wild daisies, but I'm gonna go with it. All our lives we're taught that love is the most powerful force in the world and that it conquers all. So for me, that always meant that when I'm in love, everything will be better than it's ever been. My favorite songs will sound better, my favorite foods taste better, and my favorite flowers smell better. I think I connect all those senses with the butterflies in the stomach or fireworks that people are always talking about. That's the feeling I've been waiting for and I really hope I don't have to settle.

13. I'll laugh my ridiculous laugh and he'll love it

Ya know how Jimmy Fallon laughs at basically everything? Well, same. That's probably why he's my favorite person on TV. I think my favorite thing in the entire world is laughter and I want my life to be so full of it. Laughter is like music in the way that it fills the world with color that you can hear. As an optimist, I choose to let things be funny instead of inconvenient or a mistake. Life, in general, can just be funny sometimes.

14. He won't be my other half

It's honestly gross to refer to someone's partner as their "other half" or "better half." As if they weren't a whole person before. Everyone builds a life for themselves before someone, and then there are add-ons to that if you choose to bring someone else into it. I want to be in a unit of two whole people who have formed one love and one family, but also as two people who completely know who they are outside of one another.

15. I won't be looking for him

I don't think you can track love down and pack it up to take it home. It has a way of getting to you when you need it, whether you know you do or not. Any searching I've done was not with the intention of finding "the one," but more to figure out what's best for me. I'm hoping that there's a higher power in charge of making sure each person finds who they're meant to be with forever when they're in the right place mentally and physically to take on such a serious commitment. I don't think age or time has anything to do with it, its all about personal growth and development.

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