Making love is a thing of the past. There is no more, “I’m saving myself for the one,” or, “I’m waiting until my wedding day.” The sacred weight a person’s virginity once held no longer matters. In this day and age, who hasn’t had their cherry popped or their helmet christened? We all know that if you’ve reached the age of 10, you’ve been there and done that. I mean, welcome to the millennial generation!

In "A Walk to Remember," we watch Landon name a star for Jamie. In "The Notebook," we read about Noah and Allie kissing under the sunset. But we cannot bear the thought of being involved in such romantic gestures ourselves. Romance has repelled us so much that we renounce dating in its entirety.

Going out on dates is a concept we have abandoned. For those of you who are unfamiliar (basically every 20-something), a date gives two people the opportunity to get to know each other. You go and see movies or sit down and have dinner. And get this – sometimes you barely make physical contact with the person. Yes, that’s right. Not even a little match of tonsil hockey, especially if it’s the first date! Obviously, I don’t know this from experience, because I’ve been on exactly zero dates in my 21 years of existence. The same goes for most millennials. Yet, we don't have enough fingers to count the number of people we've canoodled with.

Without these so-called dates, we have been unable to sustain monogamous relationships. No commitment means no serious relationships, which also means no marriage for us! The Demographic Intelligence reported that marriage rates are the lowest they have been in a century, with a whopping 6.74 marriages per 1,000 people. Come on kids, 6.74 marriages? That’s still too many. With a little more effort, none of us will have to waste tens of thousands of dollars on weddings just to have sexual encounters with the same person for the rest of our lives. Because what a bore that would be, right?

Even the technological advancements of society assist us in our never-ending game of fornication: Tinder, OKCupid and Bumble. With a few swipes in the right direction, I can suck face with just about anyone. Hell, these days you can walk into a grocery store and choose from the selection of meat walking the aisles. Brunette for dinner one day, maybe ginger the next?

We have finally found the solution to every problem. Sexually frustrated? Walk into a bar. Need a job? Sleep with someone who’s hiring. Need a promotion? Bang your way to the top. One thing’s for sure, none of us will have trouble finding employment. Our network of connections are pristine, thanks to the amount of people we’re sleeping with.

Our generation has really made life simple. I pity the ones that came before us, those poor people having to live through such grueling times. Dates, relationships, marriage and love? Oh, the horror! I can’t even bear the thought — I almost have a heart attack writing it down.

A life without amassing hefty body counts is unimaginable. The only thing we need to worry about now is the sexually transmitted diseases we’re spreading. Apparently the Center for Disease Control and Prevention says we’ve reached an all time high with 1.4 million reported cases of chlamydia in 2014 alone. But, that’s irrelevant as long as our genitalia remain satisfied. Don't forget to wrap it up, folks; otherwise, we won't be able to watch our children fix this catastrophe we call "hooking up." That is if we're even fertile after all the STD's we're bound to have. Actually, that's if any of us are even still alive.