So, let’s talk about sex.
I thought of this topic a while ago and had had several conversations with several friends about it. Now I finally feel ready to talk about it.
Let’s start this by saying I really don’t know where to stand in this conversation. I was born and raised in a quite conservative culture, where staying a virgin (especially if you are a girl) until you’re married is considered “virtuous." Sex is, a shameful topic if anything, but a mean of reproduction.
Later on, as I have more and more years of education under my belt (I have to specifically point out the Human Sexuality course I took in college), I’m slowly exposed to more and more open attitudes around sex. Sex becomes something supposedly enjoyable and it doesn’t seem to be synonym with marriage anymore. My professor encourages us to talk publicly about sex and read "50 Shades of Gray" on the metro.
But, just when I started to feel comfortable with the idea of sex, I decided to become a Christian. And, BANG, the two sides clashed hard in me. What am I supposed to think about sex?
There are so many questions about this topic.
Is it okay to have sex? When is it okay to have sex? Is sex before marriage okay? Is sex only a means to reproduce? Is it okay to enjoy sex? Is it even okay to talk about sex? Is God okay with us having sex?
Well, I don’t expect to answer all these questions or offer you some kind of easy guideline today. I just want to give you an honest account of my current stance in this conversation.
Is it okay to talk about sex? Oh, yeah of course. I once heard the saying, “nothing makes something more desirable than not allowing it.” Just think about it. Isn’t the moment your parents tell you not to do something the exact moment that thing becomes the most desirable to you? Tell a kid not to eat a cookie, the cookie suddenly becomes the most delicious food in the whole wide world. Ask people not to even talk about sex, suddenly all they can think about is sex. I say, it’s not only okay to talk about sex. Conversations around sex should be encouraged because nothing gets solved without proper conversation.
Well then, should sex be enjoyable or simply a means to reproduce? Sex should absolutely be enjoyable. And it doesn’t contradict with it being a means to reproduce. A pair of deeply-in-love couple will not only enjoy the best sex with each other, but also (when they’re ready) create the “fruit of their love” by having sex. Yes, if you’re following my logic, “deeply in love” should be what caught your eyes.
What does that mean? What counts as “deeply in love”? To me, it means I can foresee spending the rest of my life with this person. You see, human bodies are amazing creations of God. The female and male bodies so intricately and perfectly fit together. When they decide and promise to love each other, they put the promise inside their bodies, which serves like a strong box.
Sex is that even stronger lock that seals the promise of love inside the box. The lock will last and protect the “box” and the promise inside the “box” for as long as the box is still in place (the lovers are still alive). However, the lock should not be put on when the box is still empty. Not that one cannot lock an empty box, but it kind of defeat the purpose of the lock, doesn’t it? In the same way, sex should not happen, when no promises can be made.
When you cannot look into your partner’s eyes and tell them you’ll love them for the rest of their life, as far as you can see, you probably shouldn’t keep that hand of yours going under their shirt.
I will not give a definitive answer as to whether sex can happen before marriage or not. From what I learn in school about human sexuality and development through lifespan, I understand that nowadays there’s a bigger gap between people hitting puberty and them getting married compared to even just decades ago. People undeniable get “itchy”, especially when they meet their Mr. or Mrs. Right, but is unable to get married (either because they are both still in school or something else). So, ask yourself, can you see yourself loving them for the rest of their life?
You ask, will God allow this? Or does it break any kind of rule to have sex before marriage? Well, I say, those aren’t the real question, are they? Why does it matter to “negotiate” a few exceptions and/or treaties with God, if your heart isn’t even in the right place from the beginning? The more important question to ask is, are you being responsible and do you truly love your partner? Because if your answer is no, God doesn’t even have to put more punishment on you. Just the emptiness of sex without love will be the worst punishment, and you’ll just have to deal with the consequences.
If you’re still a virgin, I know you’re probably yelling, “This is so cliché! I don’t want to wait till I get married." Again, I’m not going to touch “marriage." But, trust me, you have a truly precious gift in you – a fresh experience.
Don’t sleep around with the John/Jane Doe in your Statistics class, just because he/she sat next to you in class and you’re tired of being a virgin. You don’t want to remember the excess sweat of nervousness and gross residual of alcohol as part of your first time for the rest of your life.
Or worse, not remembering anything at all. Treasure your virginity, because when it’s with the right person at the right time, it’ll be so special that you’d remember every single detail of it and savor them for the rest of your life without regret.