i CHOOSE ME
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i CHOOSE ME

Journey to Healing

8
i CHOOSE ME


I had a panic attack last night in Dallas. We were having such a great day, we met some nice guys and spent the day with them eating, drinking, and talking. But later on, I met up with Amy and went to go see her new apartment. As we got closer I realized how close I was to your apartment and my heart began to race, and I started shaking. It's crazy to think that the very thought of possibly seeing you causes me to panic to the point of hyperventilating and basically become unglued. The pain, trauma and pure sadness was becoming stronger, the closer I got. I've only been to Dallas twice since the break up and both times I've had a panic attack. I can't even be in the same city as you. How crazy is that? I sometimes think "WOW Whitley you have GOT to get over it, it's been 3 months and you're still stuck on this person that has already moved on and is happy, who probably doesn't even think about you anymore. Why can't I be like everyone else that has gone through a break-up, be sad for a week, convince myself that I deserve better, tell myself that there is someone out there who will love and care about me and never leave me and move on and be happy with life again? Why can't I just make you a distant memory? You did it so easy, how come I can't do the same?

I just wanted to hold on until you realized that you made a mistake and were to come back. I believed for so long that you were truly the man I thought you were: kind, genuine, caring, and honest. I refused to believe that the rejection was final. You wouldn't do what my dad did to me. You wouldn't leave me alone in the cold, devastated, and crawling to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. You wouldn't make me go through that again. I was sure. But I was wrong.

I've found myself thinking about my real dad a lot this week and replaying all the times I called him, always begging him to come see me and praying every night that he would wake up and decide to love me and choose me. I guess people that don't have daddy issues can't exactly relate. Since then, I've been terrified of feeling that way ever again and I did everything in my power to protect myself. But here I am, it's happening again but instead its 10 times worse. I finally let my guard down, and let you in because you said you would never do what my dad did (Be sure that you understand that I am in no way blaming you for everything, I was in no way 100% innocent). We had our problems like everyone else, I picked stupid fights and got a little too worked up, said things I still haven't forgiven myself for but I guess I just expected us to get over it like we usually did and have make-up sex. But in the end, you stopped thinking US and started thinking 'Me'. I just wish you would've told me instead of leading me on to think that everything was fine.

It's hard not to cry as I write this because I am realizing just how damaged I am from this break-up. The emotional abuse and instability of our relationship has taken its toll on me. Drinking almost every day of the week to the point where I couldn't feel any longer or until I didn't think about you. Doing drugs so I could feel happy for a few hours and not deal with my reality. What a sad life right? How could someone's choice make another person feel so miserable inside that they would want to live that way? To think that you are happy, mentally stable, living care free, dating, having sex etc. while I sit in my bathroom with a bottle of wine and a butcher knife to my wrist trying to decide which angle I should cut from. Which angle will hurt the most and distract me from thinking about you? It honestly makes me angry to think about. Why can't I be like you and just completely turn my back on someone that I meant everything to? Why do I still care and you don't? I waited by the phone ALL day on my birthday hoping you would call me because the last thing you said to me was "I'll call you sometime In the future." I put your contact on a special ringtone so if it rang I knew it was you. Why was I so stupid? And to make it even worse I still want to know If you're doing okay.

I fucking hate you.

I want to forgive you with all my heart, I do. I want to be able to pray for you again and speak blessings and prosperity into your life and mean it. I want to hear your name and not want to break down or be overcome with anger. I want to feel confident, empowered, and emotionally restored.

I hope you learn how to love unconditionally and not just temporarily. I hope one day you will decide not to give up on someone that you love. And I hope you ask yourself "what is my definition of love", "Am I willing to do whatever it takes to make it work with the woman that I am truly in love with?". Am I willing to be selfless and give all that I have for this person?

I hope the next woman that you decide is "the one" you can answer yes to all the these and mean them. Don't ever hurt someone the way you hurt me.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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