i CHOOSE ME
Start writing a post
Relationships

i CHOOSE ME

Journey to Healing

5
i CHOOSE ME


I had a panic attack last night in Dallas. We were having such a great day, we met some nice guys and spent the day with them eating, drinking, and talking. But later on, I met up with Amy and went to go see her new apartment. As we got closer I realized how close I was to your apartment and my heart began to race, and I started shaking. It's crazy to think that the very thought of possibly seeing you causes me to panic to the point of hyperventilating and basically become unglued. The pain, trauma and pure sadness was becoming stronger, the closer I got. I've only been to Dallas twice since the break up and both times I've had a panic attack. I can't even be in the same city as you. How crazy is that? I sometimes think "WOW Whitley you have GOT to get over it, it's been 3 months and you're still stuck on this person that has already moved on and is happy, who probably doesn't even think about you anymore. Why can't I be like everyone else that has gone through a break-up, be sad for a week, convince myself that I deserve better, tell myself that there is someone out there who will love and care about me and never leave me and move on and be happy with life again? Why can't I just make you a distant memory? You did it so easy, how come I can't do the same?

I just wanted to hold on until you realized that you made a mistake and were to come back. I believed for so long that you were truly the man I thought you were: kind, genuine, caring, and honest. I refused to believe that the rejection was final. You wouldn't do what my dad did to me. You wouldn't leave me alone in the cold, devastated, and crawling to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. You wouldn't make me go through that again. I was sure. But I was wrong.

I've found myself thinking about my real dad a lot this week and replaying all the times I called him, always begging him to come see me and praying every night that he would wake up and decide to love me and choose me. I guess people that don't have daddy issues can't exactly relate. Since then, I've been terrified of feeling that way ever again and I did everything in my power to protect myself. But here I am, it's happening again but instead its 10 times worse. I finally let my guard down, and let you in because you said you would never do what my dad did (Be sure that you understand that I am in no way blaming you for everything, I was in no way 100% innocent). We had our problems like everyone else, I picked stupid fights and got a little too worked up, said things I still haven't forgiven myself for but I guess I just expected us to get over it like we usually did and have make-up sex. But in the end, you stopped thinking US and started thinking 'Me'. I just wish you would've told me instead of leading me on to think that everything was fine.

It's hard not to cry as I write this because I am realizing just how damaged I am from this break-up. The emotional abuse and instability of our relationship has taken its toll on me. Drinking almost every day of the week to the point where I couldn't feel any longer or until I didn't think about you. Doing drugs so I could feel happy for a few hours and not deal with my reality. What a sad life right? How could someone's choice make another person feel so miserable inside that they would want to live that way? To think that you are happy, mentally stable, living care free, dating, having sex etc. while I sit in my bathroom with a bottle of wine and a butcher knife to my wrist trying to decide which angle I should cut from. Which angle will hurt the most and distract me from thinking about you? It honestly makes me angry to think about. Why can't I be like you and just completely turn my back on someone that I meant everything to? Why do I still care and you don't? I waited by the phone ALL day on my birthday hoping you would call me because the last thing you said to me was "I'll call you sometime In the future." I put your contact on a special ringtone so if it rang I knew it was you. Why was I so stupid? And to make it even worse I still want to know If you're doing okay.

I fucking hate you.

I want to forgive you with all my heart, I do. I want to be able to pray for you again and speak blessings and prosperity into your life and mean it. I want to hear your name and not want to break down or be overcome with anger. I want to feel confident, empowered, and emotionally restored.

I hope you learn how to love unconditionally and not just temporarily. I hope one day you will decide not to give up on someone that you love. And I hope you ask yourself "what is my definition of love", "Am I willing to do whatever it takes to make it work with the woman that I am truly in love with?". Am I willing to be selfless and give all that I have for this person?

I hope the next woman that you decide is "the one" you can answer yes to all the these and mean them. Don't ever hurt someone the way you hurt me.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

Why I Don't Write (Or Read) An "Open Letter To My Future Husband/Wife"

Because inflated expectations and having marriage as your only goal are overrated.

11248
Urban Intellectuals

Although I have since changed my major I remember the feverish hysteria of applying to nursing school--refreshing your email repeatedly, asking friends, and frantically calculating your GPA at ungodly hours of the night. When my acceptance came in I announced the news to friends and family with all the candor of your average collegiate. I was met with well wishes, congratulations, and interrogations on the program's rank, size, etc. Then, unexpectedly, I was met with something else.

Keep Reading... Show less
Content Inspiration

Top 3 Response Articles of This Week

Meet the creators making their voices heard on Odyssey.

1389
Top 3 Response Articles of This Week
Why I Write On Odyssey

At Odyssey, we're on a mission to encourage constructive discourse on the Internet. That's why we created the response button you can find at the bottom of every article.

Last week, our response writers sparked some great conversations right here on our homepage. Here are the top three response articles:

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

"Arthur's Perfect Christmas" Is The Perfect Holiday Special, Move Over Charlie Brown

Arthur Read is here to deliver the real meaning of Christmas.

2878
Pexels

As the holiday season draws nearer, many of us find ourselves drawn to the same old Rankin-Bass Christmas specials and the perennial favorite, "A Charlie Brown Christmas." However, I would like to suggest an overlooked alternative, "Arthur's Perfect Christmas." It is a heartfelt, funny, and surprisingly inclusive Christmas special that deserves more recognition.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Reclaim Your Weekends From The 'Sunday Scaries' With 'Self-Love Sundays' Instead

Everyone needs a day to themselves sometimes.

2972
Reclaim Your Weekends From The 'Sunday Scaries' With 'Self-Love Sundays' Instead
Olivia DeLucia

Laid back and taking it easy — sometimes that is the motto we all need after a busy week. Sunday scaries? Yes, they are valid – but you know what else is? A Sunday full of self-love. A lazy Sunday spent doing what you feel needs to be done to ease into the next week. Self-Love Sundays are a guilty pleasure that isn't only essential for our mind, and body, but are also a surprisingly proactive way to devote the upcoming week with a clear mindset.

So, what is a more suitable way to dedicate your week's end than a beautifully, connected playlist to accompany your face masks and journaling? Cheers, to a Self-Love Sunday (and a playlist intertwined with it to match). (Please note: "Sunday Morning" isn't included in this list, due to the obvious, but feel free to blast it anyway, we know you want to).

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

On Sunday Morning

Breaking Free

2750
Sunset Girl

The sun rose and peeked through the sheer curtains. Rose’s alarm shrieked. The loud bells caused her phone to jump on the side table. It was time for her to get ready for church. Blindly reaching for her phone, she shut the alarm off and pulled at the covers providing her a cocoon of warmth and tossed them to the side. She swept her bare feet across the bed to touch the cool wooden floor.

Rose softly tiptoed to the corner of the bedroom to grab her clothes dangling on the arm of the bedroom chair. Scooping all of the items of her chosen outfit, she headed to the bathroom hoping that she wouldn’t drop anything.

Round, piercing blue eyes stared back at her in the bathroom mirror. Rose fingered the wrinkles forming around her eyes. So many of them bore signs of laughter and smiling. Slowly dropping her hands, she couldn’t remember the last time she laughed in her home with Tom. Shaking her head as if to erase the negative thoughts, she reached for her makeup bag and went through her regular routine.

Applying her favorite deep rose lipstick, Rose headed downstairs to make her coffee and bagel to take with her to church. The smell of dark-roast coffee swirled in the air as Rose sliced her cinnamon raisin bagel. Hearing the Keurig sputter with the fresh brew, Rose found the interruption of the stillness comforting. The toaster signaled that her bagel was done with a soft pop. It had a delicious golden brown color. Placing the bagel on the counter, she generously spread honey nut flavored cream cheese across both halves. Gathering her bible, notebook, and pens from the side table on the porch she stuffed them into her purse. Purse hanging on her right shoulder she juggled her coffee and bagel in both of her hands as she headed to the garage.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments