With Super Bowl 51 right around the corner, Patriots fans are flying on the high of winning their 8th division title in a row. While this information does not come as a surprise to anyone who supports their team, it's more bragging rights for New Englanders to add to our already long list of records and rings.
Speaking of rings, we already have 4 of them and we are soon going to be making it 5. Other teams can hate us, but that's only out of jealousy. Not everyone's hometown team can be blessed with our lord and savior Tom Brady. But whether you are a fair-weather fan our a lifetime lover of the Pats, there are essential truths that every Pats fan knows to be true.
1. First things first….Tom Brady is the G.O.A.T
He’s one of the hottest men in the world. His jawline could cut glass. He is the only man on the planet who can wear uggs and not be labeled a “homo” by other bros for a reason.
He can rock a pom-pom hat like no other. Other than being one of the best, if not, THE best quarterback of all time, he also has a sense of humor, quoting the hangover in his insta-posts. I’m also 100% sure that any dude would marry him if he asked. Hell, I'm pretty sure any guy would smell his jock strap just to inhale the Brady greatness every guy dreams they could have a fraction of.
2. But seriously guys, Tom Brady is THE G.O.A.T.
6 super bowl appearances. 4-time super bowl champ. 3 time super bowl MVP. Most playoff wins by a quarterback (22 postseason wins; the second closest quarterback to come close to this is Joe Montana at 16). Most touchdowns in a super bowl. 99.5 passer rating. 183 wins. 7 AFC championships. 456 touchdowns. Oh yeah, and He’s married to Giselle. Any questions?
3. You can Gronk spike anything
If you have a Patriots fan in your household, you should hide anything breakable. Anything and everything nearby can be used in a celebratory TD spike. And since the Pats happen to score a lot of touchdowns, Gronk spikes can strike often and at any time. What ould you possibly spike other than a football you ask? A salad bowl? Gronk spike. a bowl of piping hot soup? Gronk spike. A glass vase? Gronk spike. Your baby cousin? Gronk SPIKED!
4. Deflategate is a myth
Honestly, how much of a difference does a little air in a ball make when TOM BRADY is the one handling them. A few psi's of air is not going to make any sort of difference when a football god is throwing them. We won. Get over it. There are bigger fish to fry.
5. Belichick’s wardrobe solely consists of gray, cropped sleeve, Pat’s sweatshirts
Come someone please explain to me the purpose of cutting off the sleeves off your hoodie? Isn’t the purpose of a hoodie to keep you warm? And I’m not hating on the “groutfit” look, I wear it to class at least twice a week, but come on, Bill: change up the colors a little bit. If you saw him walking down the street it would be hard for you to realize he is a multi-millionaire. He looks more like a Sith Lord than an NFL coach.
6. Belichick is incapable of smiling
You would think after 4 super wins you would have a reason to be happy, but not Bill. Even though he is the head coach for the best team in the league, he still seems in a perpetual state of a mix of apathy and anger.
7. The Steelers might have 6 rings, but we have 4 and it’s soon to be 5
8. Other teams hate us cause they ain’t us
The Pats are subject to shade more than any other team in the NFL. When I wear my jersey, I can’t walk down the street without one person trying to start a fight about how Tom Brady cheats, Gronk is overrated, and that the Pats suck. Too bad those people are wrong. But the hatred comes from jealousy: we’re just better than your team, sorry boo. Check the stats. when's the last time your team was in the super bowl? How many rings do they have? Does your team have Brady? Then your irrelevant
9. We have the hottest team in the NFL
If playing football suddenly became illegal, literally every single player could easily get a career modeling. From Gronkowski to Edelman, From Brady to Grappolo, Gray to Amendola, they are all 10/10 (literal) trophy husband material. Gronk is my personal favorite, but just take a look and pick yours.
10. Gillette Stadium is so much more than just a stadium
Gillette stadium isn't just a happening spot on football Sundays. The stadium has been a stage for some of the most famous musicians in the game, including Taylor Swift and Kenny Chesney. Patriots place is home to delicious restaurants, endless shopping, bowling alleys, movie theaters, and endless opportunities to see music or comedy shows. I was even blessed enough to have my senior prom in the stadium, much like the rest of the state’s graduating classes. Foxborough is so much more than just a field.
11. Dunkins > Starbucks
It’s just a Masshole truth: friends don’t let friends drink overpriced Starbucks when you can get your dunks for way cheaper. And let’s be real: real Pat’s fans are native New Englanders
12. "Do Your Job”
It’s the famous credo coined by Belichick himself. He tells all his players if you all do your job, then we are going to win. Simple as that. Do. Your. Job. And by god, all the players have been doing their jobs and putting in overtime so they can taste that sweet end of the year bonus: a 5th super bowl ring.
13. One of your relatives/neighbors/friends has a shrine to in their home and it's not even weird
My grandma has two framed pictures above her fireplace: one is of Jesus christ and the other one is of Tom Brady. But this is common practice in New England. The team and its players are revered as messiahs. We all pray to the football gods on Sundays, and by god, they reward our team.
14. The Pats are the best team in the league
Between the statistics, the attractiveness, the fan loyalty, the strength, and pretty much everything else, at the end of the day, your team is the best and you know it. So stand proud, fellow Pats fans, stand proud. We are the best.So let's go boys, bring home another ring this Super Bowl Sunday.
