Playing Possum took on a totally new meaning today as the University of Louisiana at Lafayette was grieved on that hot end of summer day to learn of the passing of Winston the Possum. Faced with the prospect of voting for either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, Winston chose instead to pass into the eternal love of God. Winston was a marsupial of great worth, appreciated by hundreds of family members and friends.
The deepest distress is felt by the staff of The Vermilion, who were the ones to discover Winston post-mortem on the cold flood of the boy's bathroom. Although the time of death is uncertain, Winston is thought to have passed away a great while ago; lingering odors support this claim. The Vermilion Staff, unable to cope with the tragedy they just discovered, quickly organized a candlelight vigil to celebrate the life of their flea bitten friend. Grief counselors will be available for anyone who has trouble coping with this great loss. However, Staff of The Vermilion find it comforting that Winston's legacy will live on through the fleas that were once a part of him that now infest the building.
Winston was a great father to 286 children. He was a connoisseur of root beer and cheese fries, traveling far and wide in search of varieties that he had yet to try. In his spare time, Winston enjoyed dumpster diving and coaching little league baseball. A passionate bagpiper for 12 years, Winston lead the Pride of Aleta to many great victories. An aspiring journalist and garden editor, Winston would often be found creeping in the ceilings of the Vermilion, listening to students grumble over late night deadlines and AP format. Combatting negative stereotypes, Winston proved that nothing is impossible, even for a possum!
Upon hearing the news of his death, just one mourner showed up, stating "We are here today not to praise Winston, but to bury him. He wasn't one of the good ones, but he was ours. Sure, we hated that he'd chew computer wires and visit us more frequently than anyone else, but it was the thought that counted".
Funeral plans include removal by an exterminator, whenever someone complains enough to actually get one to come out to the Aleta Building, and a 21 Gun Salute. Winston respectfully requests eight New Orleans Saints pall bearers so that the Saints can let him down one last time. In lieu of flowers, donations can be sent to The Opossum Society of the United States.
To conclude, I will leave you with Winston's favorite quote:
"You can't put this possum in a cage"- George Jones
