The Rio Olympics concluded last month to much fanfare. Medals were awarded, anthems were played, fireworks were launched, and the world went back to normal. Gymnasts appeared on Ellen, swimmers were put on cereal boxes, and volleyball players walked red carpets. And as I, myself, am an avid Olympic fan I watched the games constantly from the Opening Ceremony to the Closing Ceremony. I was in awe of the super humans I would watch fly, dive, and run across my television screen. I tried to identify with them because hey, Simone Biles is 19 and I'm 19, and Michael Phelps smoked and... well never mind. Anyways, my parents like to tell me that I can do anything that I put my mind to; telling me I could be an astronaut, I could travel to Spain, I could be a princess. But there is at least one thing that this summer, I realized I can't do. I can't be an Olympian. And here's why:
1. Because when Simone Biles has thick thighs she's "a powerful, strong woman," but when I have thick thighs I have "a fast food problem."
2. Because athletes train 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 4 whole years to compete in 3 weeks of competition, and I wait until the night before to pack for a trip.
3. Because my two favorite chants are "USA!" and "KFC!"
4. Because, to me, "cupping" sounds terrifying and vaguely inappropriate.
5. Because when Laurie Hernandez spins on the ground it's "a beautiful floor routine," but when I spin on the ground it's "time to leave the party."
6. Because Gabby Douglas's idea of a tragic loss is not qualifying for the all-around, and my idea of a tragic loss is Season 11 Episode 21 of Grey's Anatomy entitled "How to Save A Life."
7.Because my idea of a marathon is taking a shower when I have to shave my legs AND wash my hair.
8. Because when the swimmers bend down to take their mark and the stadium crowd gets silent, I stand on my couch and yell "GO GO GADGET SWIM" right before the horn blows to begin.
9. Because when women's gymnastics comes on, I plant my feet firmly on the ground, assume my best Russian accent, and yell "DO NOT FALL OFF BEAM."
10. Because when people ask me what my favorite sport is, I have to stop myself from responding with "finishing a family sized bag of Cheetos puffs all by myself."
11. Because someone asked me what white water rafting racing is and I used my sophisticated Olympic knowledge to respond with my definition: surfing while sitting on your ass.
12. Because my idea of a perfect 10 is a restaurant that Guy Fieri recommends.
13. Because I do my entire 200 meters in the pool... sitting on an inner tube with a drink in my hand.
14. I crumble to the ground in obnoxiously loud agony when I stub my toe, and some male gymnast basically snapped his leg in half during a competition.
15. The men's road cycling at the Olympics is a 150 MILE LONG event. And I dread walking to hatch a 10km Pokemon egg.
