Half of my friends just happen to be girls, so, yes, I hear about their boy problems. I see this as a blessing. Not only do I have the opportunity to be there for them and provide reasons for their problems, but also I better understand what women are looking for men. I am blessed to call these girls friends. One of the most common and persistent questions I am asked is, “why don’t guys ask me out?” I assume many other girls are asking this same question too. So ladies, this is meant to help and not leave you pondering. Most of this is also not your fault ladies, so read carefully. FYI, some of this isn’t super manly.
1. Men aren’t interested
Some guys don’t ask out girls because they are enjoying their time of singleness and are content in it. Also, it might be a bad time for them to be dating. If a guy just ended a relationship he might be taking time off from dating instead of jumping right back into it. If you have ever had a hard day at work, what do you want to do when you get home? I want to lay on the couch and do nothing, I have to decompress before I start something else. When someone gets out of a relationship sometimes they need a break to relax and decompress.
Think about this, the end goal of dating is marriage, but some don’t want the responsibility of being a husband until they graduate or are financially stable. Why would an 18 or 19 year old waste his time if he wouldn’t be married for possibly another 4-6 years? So one of the reasons he hasn’t asked you out is he might be uninterested in dating. (If he isn’t Christian he might be uninterested because he may like guys).
2. Men are actually busy
Not all men just sit around playing video games. Some are very busy. Take myself for example. I am currently taking 17 credit hours, playing college baseball, and I’m an org officer in two different orgs. If I hardly have enough time to sleep or call my parents, do you think I’m going to have time for a woman in my life? My friends always say, “Don’t worry, if she likes you she will work with your schedule.” They say this, but when I don’t see them for a couple of days they tell me they miss me and want to hang out. Now imagine if that was a girl I was dating. She would want to see me so much more.
As a guy, I don’t feel like I would be doing my duties as boyfriend if I neglected the girl I was dating by not spending enough time with her. Some guys at college don’t have free time, and dating takes time away from work, sports, school, sleep, or Jesus. It is all about priorities.
3. Some shouldn’t be dating
Some men get to points in their life where they shouldn’t be dating. I’ve been there. It would’ve been harmful to myself and the girls if I were dating. Men (or women) aren’t always in a good state of mind, or their relationship with God isn’t right to be dating. The Bible teaches us that a man should be the leader in a relationship. Some men have chosen to be single for a while so they can grow in Christ. By doing this they are becoming the knight in shining armor (or leader) that every woman deserves.
4. He isn’t attracted to you
This is the harsh truth, but a guy won’t ask you out if he isn’t attracted to you. This does not mean you’re ugly, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Now before you go and call him "shallow," realize we are all "shallow." Most people (boy or girl) base their judgment for a date off initial physical attraction and physical characteristics. No one expects anyone to marry someone they are not attracted to. Where in the Bible do we see a godly man marry someone he’s not attracted to? Solomon made his woman in Song of Solomon seem gorgeous. Honestly, you shouldn’t be with someone if you seeing them naked for the first time would make you want to puke. Your problem might be getting that second or third date. This means you got the initial date and he was physically attracted to you, but physical attraction only goes so far.
A guy will not pay to ask you out if he is not attracted to your personality, how you think, or just something you did. For me, there are certain people who I can’t be around for more than ten minutes because their personalities just annoy the crap of me. Each person has a different personality that they don’t find attractive. Also there won’t be a second date if you say a lot of things that are ridiculous or ignorant. My biggest pet peeve is ignorance, and I also dislike the so called “blonde moment;" it’s not cute to me (even though I’ll say it is to make you happy). The worst part is that I like blondes, so I get it a lot.
Finally, if you don’t act like a lady, it is really unattractive and you probably won’t get another date. If you burp in my face, that is gross, and I won’t take you out again. Attitude plays a big role in this. Personally, I don’t like if you act stuck up and too good for the date. The whole point of a date is to get to know someone. So please, try to be down to earth and easy to talk to, like you want to be there. We men hold it together and so can you. If we don’t, then we don’t get date two.
P.S. talking about kids and marriage on the first date is a huge no, no.
5. You aren’t compatible
This idea is similar to the previous reason but mainly relates to getting another date, not the first one. Men, especially those in college, can be tight on money. If they see a possibility of no compatibility, then they aren’t going to waste their money (that they don’t have). One time, I went on a date where all the girl could talk about was drinking, partying, and smoking. In case you don’t know, that’s not my kind of lifestyle, so she didn’t get a second date.
There are times where you have no similarities. Not only is it a waste to have another date, but there was also probably nothing to talk about in the first place. I think most have experienced the awkward date where a conversation cannot be held or you feel like you’re talking to a wall.
Be warned ladies, if you talk about your future, guys will pick out things they don’t want in their future, and make it a reason for not having another date. If you tell me you want to live in the North or Midwest, that is a big negative for a guy like me who wants to stay in the South. Another is if say you don’t want kids, because I want at least 3, and I’m not willing to compromise.
6. He could be scared
Ladies, not every guy has been on a date or has even talked to girls enough to where he is comfortable. I have a friend who often approaches me asking how to a girl because, besides his mom, he’s had very few interactions with women. So girls, if you think he’s good looking, say hi.
Another reason a guy would be scared is because we have insecurities also, we just bottle them up. You would never know all the insecurities I have because I wear a heavy mask of confidence. Just like y’all wear makeup. When a guy asks a girl out and gets rejected, it just reflects those insecurities even more because it hurts our pride and reputation (which we shouldn’t be concerned about, but always will be). Because of men’s insecurities and lack of confidence, most guys will probably not ask out a girl in a group setting or if she is with her friends (that’s just asking to be embarrassed).
Believe it or not, a lot of guys have also been hurt in the past and are scared at the possibility of experiencing pain again. I’ve gotten heartbroken before, and a lot of times the thought of going through that again keeps me from dating.
Some guys have also had bad dates or bad dating experiences, like being stood up, cancelled on, or mocked. One time I asked a girl out who said yes. She then said she was sick and cancelled 30 minutes before the date, but then went out to dinner with her friend instead. The worst part is she said she wanted to reschedule and never did. Please, don’t be that girl. It’s worse than being rejected because you keep our hopes up.
Finally, there is the over thinker. Yes, that thing women do, some guys do it too. They think so far ahead they are worried about the potential crash and burn before he has even asked you out. Ladies be cautious of that, he might be way further along in the relationship in his head then what is going on in real life.
7. He has a gut feeling
Most of the time, men base their decisions off of gut feelings. This includes women. If a guy has a gut feeling it won’t work out, then most of the time he won’t ask you out. It works the other way as well. A guy won’t ask you out unless has a positive instinct that motivates him to ask you out. Personally, I find many women attractive. I ask them on a date only if, in my gut, there is some kind of motivational push. I like to think it is God pushing me toward a woman I would better glorify Him with. To help this process, a woman can make sure she is putting out positive vibes (instead of negative ones), because a guy can sense that; it is our 6th sense.
Women, I’m not saying these are 100% of the reasons he didn’t ask you out. All I’m saying is 95% of the time, our reason for not asking you out falls in one or more of these categories. Every once in a while there is a completely random or unique situation. Also, I’m not condoning all these reasons, simply listing them. This list is meant to help women better understand why they don’t get asked out. It may or may not be your fault. I’ll let you decide.
(A big thanks to Tiffany and Alyssa to being myinspiration to write this, and to always work to be a better man.)
