What We Know

When its contents were dropped like a bomb on the Internet by Buzzfeed last week, the intel report on Donald Trump's ties to Russia took the world by storm. The unverified report alleges that Russian intelligence operatives had used a dossier of "kompromat," or scandalous information on Trump's ethical and sexual misconduct, as leverage to manipulate Trump as he ran for the office of President of the United States. Among the dossier's "kompromat" listed in the report were details that Russians had used "microphones and concealed cameras" to capture Trump's "perverted" sexual conduct while staying at the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow during the Miss Universe pageant of 2013. This report was passed through Washington, being read by the intelligence community and potentates like John McCain.

Many say that releasing the unverified report was irresponsible and flouted journalistic standards, but hot diggity dog; have you READ IT?

1. Trump Is an Absolute Caligula

Which is rather unfair to Caligula

2. Cambria is a Good Font for a Kompromat Report

The author or the report, Christopher Steele, made sure to point out that Cambria is a go-to font for all occasions, formal enough for an intelligence briefing but also playful enough for when you want to write about Russian prostitutes urinating on a bed (Times New Roman is just too stodgy!).

3. Other GOP Authorities Were Implicated

But to be honest, we all knew that this happens every night anyway

4. Trump's Disgusting Orgies Were Performed to Billboard's Top 40 Hits of 2013

Nostalgia! A few days later, Lorde's "Royals" would knock "Wrecking Ball" from the top of the charts, only to have "Wrecking Ball" shoot back up a few weeks later. Feel old yet?

5. It's Even Worse Than You Thought

"The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy!" yelled President-Elect Trump at climax.

6. Just Another Tuesday at Breitbart

7. She Really Isn't Going Away, Is She

In other news, Russian bagels dance I guess

8. Eldrich Horror

Some parts of the report were just too horrible to be released for mortal eyes:

Daddy Rick knows how to treat 'em right, what can I say?