I remember it clear as day. The day you broke our "talking" phase "relationship" off. To be honest, I saw this coming. You were distant. You were quiet. You stopped making plans with me. You stopped texting and calling. You stopped inviting me to things. You just stopped.
Waiting for you was like waiting for someone that was in the front of the line at McDonald's and still didn't know what they want.
For that week or so that you left me feeling like I was hanging on the edge of a cliff with two fingers because you wouldn't end it but also wouldn't talk to me. Did you just think I was going to let this go and pretend you never existed? Sorry but no, I actually cared.
I'm not thanking you for finally breaking it off in the most immature way, after I begged you to, over text. I'm not thanking you for leaving me wondering what was wrong with me. I'm not thanking you for making me think I did something wrong. I'm thanking you for that week, or few days, that I realized you didn't care. Because shortly after that it was like a domino effect. It was all piecing together. I figured out that you probably never did care. And following that, I really started to piece things together and realize that your goal was to make me believe that you did.
That week I felt my self-esteem and confidence spiral like a gum ball in one of those old fashioned gum ball machines you begged your mom for a quarter for in the grocery store. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I struggled with feeling confident in myself and my future because somehow without saying a word to me you persuaded me that I wasn't capable getting anything I wanted and deserved in life, you being one of those things.
News flash: you were my cup of tea but I'm drinking champagne now.
That week I learned, it wasn't me, it was you. Finally, for once in my life it wasn't me, or something I did wrong that caused this. It was you. Your Insecurities. Your open wounds that you let bleed all over me. Your indecisiveness. Your wavering promises and so much more. And honestly, thank you. If anything else, thank you for giving me that peace of mind knowing that I actually was doing everything right. I cared about you. I made time for you. I committed to you before you even gave us a title. I did so many things for you to show you I was worth it. All of which none was reciprocated.
I learned that even though you didn't want what I had to offer that I did my best. There is always a peace that comes over you when you fail, but you fail to do your best. That was the case with us. I failed at winning you over. You won at leading me on. But I know I tried my best and that is enough for me.
After many texts and calls and hard talks in my living room of you wanting us back. I looked at the clock. I looked at my calendar. I looked at my call history and our texts and when looking at all those things, I only saw one thing, the time I wasted and wanted back to give to someone who wanted it. I mistook all our laughs, late nights, sweet texts and jokes as you caring. But I'm saying thank you because now I'll think twice before I waste my time again.
The bottom line here is, you wasted my time but I thank you for it. I learned a lot about myself. I learned even more about what I deserved (which is the polar opposite of you), I learned to not be so hard on myself. I learned that one day I'm going to give everything I gave to you to someone who wants it and it'll all be worth it. Thank you for making me so hopeful for next. Thank you for making me raise my standards.
This won't be the last thank you'll receive. One day, I am confident someone is going to walk into my life and they are going to thank you for leading me on and letting me go. And then suddenly, all the time I feel you wasted will have become worth it.
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