My most recent ex really affected my development as a man profoundly. I was dating this bloke; let's call him Kevin. Kevin was not out to his parents, a virgin, and a somewhat recent college grad who couldn't find employment in his field (education), so he was working as a waiter. We connected over OkCupid due to our mutual respect for Power Rangers and Korean pop music. It wasn't long until we met for a date. It was by far one of the most insane first dates I have ever had.
We ended up going bowling and playing glow-in-the-dark mini golf, where we shared our first kiss (he almost sucked my face off—he was a horrible kisser—but luckily for his current boyfriend, I taught him how to kiss). We also went to an adult book store, then a bonfire in the woods, where he met my sister. Needless to say, the date lasted five or six hours, which was relatively short for us, but it was the first one.
We had what ought to be trademarked as marathon dates. They were always eight-hour dates. I digress, I do that—the point is, I ended up falling for this guy and all of his wacky quirks. His awkwardness was cute. I mean, the guy saluted me at the end of the first date; who does that? Kevin does, that's who. He also made my inner nerd come out and play. Anybody that knows me knows that I'm a pretty uptight guy, though I can also be quite impulsive. He was my opposite, quite relaxed and somewhat impulsive but he used his head. He balanced me well and I ended up falling for him hard.
Kevin and I dated for four months, not long in time and space but my aggressive nature and the amount of time we spent together moved the relationship at lightning speed. Sadly, and I can't speak for Kevin, just for the half-hearted answers I have gotten from him, it was just summer love for him, a fling. During our time together, we explored all that Scranton had to offer, learned about ourselves and had a good time. There was a dark side as well; he helped me ignore the demons in my closet. Somewhere along the way, we lost whatever kept us connected. My jealousy of his ex and insecurities were coming out of the basement. His insecurities of his sexuality were also preventing him from making me a part of his life. I hadn't even met his best friend in person whereas he had met my family and friends. I did have the best friend on Facebook and asked her if his insecurity was about his ex—as I thought he was in love with him (more of my neurosis). She told me that she thought we should date other people. Quite ballsy for a girl that I hadn't met, but she was his best friend so I took it to heart and started thinking more about my feelings.
Anyway, after much confusion and emotional meltdowns, I told him that I loved him and sent him a crafted letter that described my feelings. We both tended to do better with writing our thoughts and feelings. He majored in English in part due to his inability express himself vocally. The letter I wrote cleared my emotions up, or so I thought at the time. He responded with a misspelled breakup text. Totally not his normal style. Needless to say, I was shattered. I don't cry a lot, but I broke down in public almost convulsing; I was crying so hard. It was a pure release of my demons breaking free from the cellar that I had chained up for so long.
The demons kept arising. He promised we could be friends, but I literally got sick from the idea that anybody else would touch him. Also, in that mindset, I didn’t believe he had the ability to be a friend to anybody. I look back and realize I had an aggressive attitude that he was a possession to be had. Needless to say, my demons kept coming up from that cellar—I started going back to therapy and would break down randomly, anywhere I was—feeling rejected and abandoned. I actually was in a three-hour biology class that was held once a week, and I ended up withdrawing from that class after crying in the hallway during one of the allotted breaks.
I had previously talked to him about my abandonment issues that stem from my father and his fears of disappointing people. Needless to say, these abandonment issues became front and center in my life. My father had never been in my life and before going back to school a year beforehand, I hired a private investigator to find my father. I found out that I had an uncle and cousins—I also found out my father had passed away in 2005 and that he had been living 30 minutes from my house. I never allowed myself to feel the consequences of not having closure with him. That was until these demons surfaced. As I worked my way through these feelings, I would message Kevin and beg him to come back to me—at some level, I believe, hoping he could reseal the cellar door. Over a year after breaking up with me, I would process by sending messages. He had stopped responding in October after I asked him to attend homecoming with me—I was in the homecoming court at my college. He rejected the invitation and decided to cut me off.
Ghosting is by far one of the worst experiences for somebody who has abandonment issues. I literally couldn't cope. I would send crazy ex messages craving to lock that cellar door and would continue to do that for a year. I thought about killing myself. Anything to stop the feelings while maintaining control. Finally, I had a breakdown and sent him a message of pure rage and hatred. He responded, after a year of not responding; to my shock, he had been reading my messages. My friends said he would have blocked me by then as any sane person would have, but they knew how much it hurt me to even think that so they just had been letting me do my thing, fearing I would get a restraining order.
One night he responded after I declared to a friend I was done. I was so numb at this point, almost in shock from feeling rejected and not being able to fix it. I sent him one last message and got a response, saying we were just a fling; it was all a little much; and that he wanted an idea of how we can get past this. Which opened the floodgates of more emotions, emotions that I had not felt up to that point.
The next days I thought about it in my mind. I had no clue how to be his friend. So I told him I wanted to be more than just friends even after a year of being ghosted. Needless to say, that is one of the demons you face when dealing with issues of abandonment—you have to learn not to take anything you can get because you don't feel worthy of quality.
So in a way, I was saying, "Look, I am worthy of more than this, but I love you and want you back. If you can't do that, then I don't have any options for you." I was the one proposing one-sided solutions for a year and had no response—so I told him it was time he figured it out because I am tired. That was the last time I heard from him. A year after we went exclusive and eight months after we broke up.
After this, I have still been processing my wounds. We don't vanquish demons overnight. It’s not so much an exorcism, but more of a binding which takes time and perseverance. You have to want to get better. Studying psychology and philosophy, I tend to analyze everything, and that is why the relationship moved at a lighting speed. I have made mistakes and continue to. I apologize for my crazy ex behavior and want to thank him for ghosting me, as it was part of many things that made me face my demons. Yes, I still let demons from this relationship scream until I can't hear myself—but I have learned to become aware of them and learn to bind their influence, making them work for me.
Through the whole ordeal, the most important thing I have learned was: it's okay to be mad. Anger isn't a weakness or a sin. Anger doesn't make you a spoiled prince who doesn't know anything about injustice. It makes you human. We are all prone to it. It's not healthy to repress your dissatisfaction and pain; when you do, it starts peeling your flesh from your living body. I have learned that I am human and that is pretty amazing. In our society, we tend to reach for a god-like status to always be in control and tame the beast, but when you befriend the beast ,you realize it's not so toxic. It is there to help you grow into a better person.
After all this, my ex lacked the understanding of the psychology behind his actions. I do not believe he really grasped what he was doing by ghosting me. I do believe he was just being a douche running away from his feelings, but the point is he was a douche that directed his douchery towards somebody in need of it. It was one of the keys that opened that cellar and let me realize I am worthy of love from others, but most importantly, from myself.
I am excited to say that I have taken major steps of self-love since my last message—from losing weight to working on my mind and making major strides in my career. One of the acts of self-love that I advocate for everyone to try is solo traveling. It is a healing and humbling experience—in fact, as I write this I am spending New Year's weekend in Toronto. I have never been here, and I didn’t know anybody before this trip.
Though I didn’t know anybody local before coming up here, I have met amazing people and have truly had a great time being embraced by the locals. I wanted to get back to myself and the things I enjoy. This trip has helped that process. I enjoy meeting new people and going to new places. So here I am doing just that.
This is a way better use of my energy than being my captive to my demons, crying into my cellphone at a bar, which I did last year. Avid solo traveler Kristin Addis says, “Solo traveling is the greatest gift, because you learn so much about yourself. I learned how strong and capable I am, how brave I can be, how amazing and not scary the world is, and how easy it truly is to make friends all over the world.”
Your form of self-love doesn't have to be so dramatic, but it is important to note that no matter who you are, you deserve to be loved.
The most recent thing I have learned from the feelings Kevin helped release is the greatest and longest relationship you will have, the relationship that will never end, the relationship that truly can never abandon you is the relationship with yourself, it may not always be healthy, it may be disappointing at times, but it is always there and always ready for engagement.
Now that you are done reading my story about my ex - go take yourself on a date - maybe dinner and a movie? I did that last week. It's fun. Tonight I am taking myself to a comedy club, then to a free style rap battle.
