When I was little I refused to have the ‘talk’ with my mom. The thought of sex and talking about it with my mom freaked me out. As a result, I lacked knowledge that my friends did and I seemed very innocent. The group of friends that I hung out with were more experienced in knowing all about sex than I was.
When I was little I made a promise with my best friend that we would wait to have sex until we were married. I did not know that that promise would never last. When I was a freshman in high school, I met this boy, and I thought he was cute. He was two years older than I was, but he was in my grade so my parents were okay with us dating. At the time, I was 14 and he was 16. Our relationship at first was fun like any relationship at that age should be. However, about a month into it everything changed.
At first, it was his mood that changed and I kept doing everything wrong. There were times when I would be grounded from my phone, and because I could not talk to him he would cut himself, later on blaming me. In 2011 the Nashville Predators made it to the Stanley Cup Playoffs and my mom got tickets for our family. Both of my parents were super annoyed that I sat there texting him, so they took my phone. I was panicking to myself the whole time, because by then, I knew what was going to happen. That night, when we got home from the game, I begged my parents for my phone back, not telling them the reason was to see if I was in 'trouble' or not. When I turned my phone on my heart sank, I knew what was coming. I had a bunch of texts calling me worse names than just "b****," and I was receiving a lot of threats all from the same person. Still this was just the beginning.
Next came the bruises and lies. I remember one day at school I must have done something to make him mad, but I was walking to class and the next thing I know he took a hold of my shoulders slamming me body into a vending machine making me fall. I have a scar on my left shoulder blade, and it has been five years. Another time we were upstairs getting something for my mom, again I must have made him mad because he slapped me extremely hard across the face. The sound could not be missed, my mom asked what the sound was and he simply responded with "Katie smacked my arm." This went on the rest of the relationship and I was constantly in covered in bruises, stories were always getting told so no one but the two of us knew.
I would take all of the beatings over what came next and that lasted for about seven months. At the age of 14, I 'lost' my virginity. Again, I never had the talk with my mom so when it came to sex I was innocent about what went on. However, when it started in the back of my head a trigger went off and I begged, screamed and cried "no!" None of these worked. Every single time this happened I would just keep saying "no," or I had to stay quiet because I did not want to face what would happen if I did not. When someone is quiet that is not a form of consent at all. I remember being so scared that I was going to get pregnant because I was only 14, so I was not on birth control, and he did not use protection. Sometimes I have nightmares of being in a room, screaming no at the top of my lungs but nothing can be heard.
Come August, no one but the two of us still knowing what has been going on for the past 6 months, something changed. Every year at the fair there is a special needs day where most of the rides open super early and families come in with their special needs person and enjoy the fair. My family always goes and stays the whole time from open to when the fair actually closes. This day I will never forget, there was a call that my father answered and it was him. He was going off to my parents on the fact that we had not left the fair yet, and I was doing everything without him. Things got way out of hand and thankfully my parents got involved in what they thought was the whole story. My parents saw how crazy he was when he was freaking out about me being at the fair the whole day, that they said we were no longer allowed to date. The next day, he showed up to the fair begging my mom to 'give' me back to him, as if I was his property. My mom and I watched him violently get sick and cry because of this. As a result, we still stayed broken up; now anyone on the outside would think that things ended here, but that's not the case.
On my 15th birthday, a lot of my friends either baked or made me things and brought them to school for me. He, on the other hand spent the whole day at school stalking me and would not leave me alone to the point where I was hiding in the bathroom for the majority of the day because I knew I was safe there. A couple days later, we were standing with about our entire sophomore class in the hallway. I remember him throwing textbooks at my head, but people had to fill me in on what happened next. It seems I blacked out, and slapped him right across the face so hard everyone went quiet.
In October, I went on a cruise and my best friend came with. It was so eye opening for me having no contact at all with anyone for a whole week. I, myself, was finally able to step away and look at what had been going on for the past nine months and made the decision things needed to change. When school started back, I stepped up and finally ended things with him declaring that I'd had enough and this was going to stop. He begged me to change my mind saying he was sorry and he would change, which is what he always said. However, this time I was not changing my mind. Once he realized this, things started getting more violent physically. Finally, my best friend told my mother the events that had been going on, and I will never forget the look on her face, or how she sat outside crying for hours. Around the same time, one of our SRO's called my father up to the school after I had gone to him about how I was receiving threatening calls, texts and being physically abused by him at school. They decided on a restraining order, which finally ended everything.
It has been five years, and I still live in fear of something happening again. however, with the love and support of those who know and are by my side, I have been able to shed most of that fear. This experience changed me as a whole, but I grew stronger and realized that if I could survive something so traumatic as that, then anything compared is minute. Over time I have remembered things that my brain would not allow me to at the time, and although I still cry and those memories hurt so bad I learn from them. I want girls who have been through something like what I have to know that they are not alone, and that they have a friend who will listen and support them. Nothing about this is easy, and it never will be but it will get a tad easier as time goes on.
