Merriam-Webster defines "Anxiety" as:
Anxiety (noun) anx·i·ety \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\ - an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it ; fear or nervousness about what might happen.
And for those of you who don't know, I live with anxiety everyday. As confident as I am with myself, this is the part I hate of me the most. My anxiety disorder keeps me from being able to do some things and it's so hard and embarrassing to explain it to other people. Let's be clear, there is a difference between having an anxiety disorder and being anxious. Mayo Clinic defines anxiety disorder as:
Anxiety Disorder - a mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities
Yup, that's me. In case you're a visual learner or you're still just not getting it, here is my favorite comic to show people when they don't quite understand where my anxiety is coming from.
Everyday, I wake up and anxiety impacts me in someway. I used to let it get me down and keep me from doing things, but I try to power through it and let myself enjoy my life, but I can't win every battle. So here's some little situations I've won and lost or where I just had to make a change in my life that might help you understand. These may seem a bit ridiculous, but again, that's just the disorder for ya.
- A situation that occupies my anxious mind a lot is my university being on lockdown for a shooting, so there are certain bathrooms I won't use in the case we do go into a lockdown because there's no locks on the door to get into the bathroom.
- I have to be on facetime or talking on the phone with someone when I'm walking to or from somewhere at night because if I don't, I'll have an anxiety attack out of fear from feeling unsafe.
- If someone is hanging out with me and is leaving to go home in a car, I have to say, "Be safe." because the one time I didn't, the person got into a car accident.
- On the topic of cars, I still don't have my license because of my anxiety. Being in the passenger seat and going through intersections makes my heart beat a little faster and my stomach sink every time. I couldn't imagine what it'd be like to actually be the driver.
- And don't even get me started on long car rides. I've had to not participate in things for my sorority and cancel certain dates with friends and my boyfriend because my mind and body can't handle being in a car for more than 20 minutes. It takes me days to mentally prepare myself to get in the car to come home from school or go back as it's an hour and 20 minute drive, and even then, I can still get carsick.
- My life has devastatingly been effected by my father's infidelity and lies and emotional turmoil. As most of you know, I'm in a long distance relationship, and we have been together for almost 4 years. When we were seniors in high school, he bought me a promise ring as a physical reminder that he wasn't going to leave me or cheat on me when he isn't able to text me and reassure me of it. My anxiety was still really bad and when he left for Nebraska, it only got worse. I'm so blessed to have the boyfriend I do, because I'm positive no one else would have stayed through all the anxiety attacks and the things it made me say and do. I've really worked on it, trying to become a better person for him and myself and I honestly can say that I don't remember the last time I've had an attack due to him being so far.
- I was kicked out of a class this semester due to my anxiety. Anxiety runs high on my first day of classes and I'm very open about that with my professors because it often causes me to have to leave the classroom for a few minutes in the middle of class. New people, new material, new everything, it's very overwhelming for me. I'm now in private lessons for my piano instruction because I told the class piano teacher of my anxiety and she judged me from the minute I said it, and she essentially told me she thought I wouldn't pass the class because of it.
The important thing about all of these points is one thing: I never stop trying. Yes, I have to use a different bathroom, and call someone to walk in the dark and tell them to be safe when they drive, but I never stop getting in a car, I never stop trying to go on roadtrips and car rides with people, I never stop trying to better myself, and I try really really hard to never let it get me down. It can be embarrassing sometimes, yes, but I never let it stop me from trying to keep on going.
The only thing I can ask from you if you ever experience being around me when my anxiety is high, is please just understand. Understand that this is something out of my control and I'm trying to get better, tell me it's okay and that I'm going to be okay, tell me this isn't something that I should be embarrassed about, and out of anything, do not pressure me into doing things because you don't understand how it makes me anxious and please don't be mad at me if plans change or I need to cancel things because I just can't get over it. Nothing feels worse than a guilt trip after an anxiety attack.
This disorder doesn't rule my life but it plays a big part in it, so thank you to those who keep loving me regardless of the things it does to me.I'm not the easiest to be around when the anxiety hits, but you don't leave my side and for that, I'm grateful forever. Despite my anxiety, I'm still the funny, life-loving person you met when we first became friends, this part of me is just a little different and I'm learning to accept and love it every single day.
