Four years ago, during this exact time, I was opening my email 20 times a day, waiting to hear back from colleges. At the time, I did not appreciate the solace in the brutal honesty of a firm accepted, rejected” or waitlisted response. A rejection letter brewed a sullen storm of shaming myself for any flaw I could find in myself, but at least that feeling passed eventually. However, here I am now: four years past the humiliation of rejection letters facing an entirely different form of humiliation and anxiety you could only feel once you get “here." I am about to graduate college with a political science degree, and at this point, I’ve heard the question, “So what are you doing after graduation?” more than “how are you?” I guess I can't blame people for asking an immensely valid question, but for me, it’s a flash forward glimpse into my life and literally seeing a blob of gray. I know I’m graduating from a great school with a great resume, and within a year, I’ll look back at this as a mere stepping stone to a new journey or something beautiful of that sort. But the “in between” after graduating college and looking for a job is like walking through a dark tunnel and everyone around you can see the light but you are apparently blind to it. Yes, it’s great that my options are wide like an endless sea, but oh my God, crossing that sea is like trying to stay above water from the pressure of all my fears sinking me down.
However, aside from the constant worry about who I will become and the endless fear I will let my loved ones down by failing in the “real world,” I have also forced myself to reflect on all my accomplishments so far. I am graduating from college on time after transferring from three different schools while maintaining a steady job and other temporary jobs. I have learned how to write seven-page papers in under three hours, how to stay awake for 24 hours and function and most importantly, how to inject coffee into my veins without going into cardiac arrest. However, my greatest accomplishment is in building a home for myself. Last summer, a few of my best friends from high school visited me in Pittsburgh, and my friend, Clara, said a remark about how I have really made a home out of this place. That made my soul smile because she’s right; I came to this city a complete stranger to snow, sports attire and everything Pittsburgh is and California is not. However, I have always been someone open to change, someone willing to give my undivided attention to things, places and people who charm me. Pittsburgh did that for me; it charmed me. It allowed me to feel like I belonged, even if I grew up bleeding slam poetry instead of the Steelers. It’s odd, the feeling of acceptance. I think yes, many of our loved ones accept us for who we are because they kind of have to or they wouldn’t have a relationship with us. Yet, when you go to college, that feeling is much more real because either people do or they don’t accept you because you have nothing to lose by denying someone out of your life who you have just met for the first time. I think a lot of people accepted me in this city for who I was, and I’m proud of myself for accepting their love because these are the accomplishments that matter at the end of the day. This is all I need to remember when I feel swallowed by the wave of an unknown future. Home is all around me, wherever I want to create it.
