Anorexia.

What is the first thought that goes through your head? In eighth grade I would have told you that it befuddled me how a person could make the conscious decision not to eat. I thought it was an obvious necessity.

As a freshman in college, I can confidently tell you that it is not completely conscious. For me, it was a slow progression to a cliff that I fell off of. For others, it was an immediate cliff to a black abyss. Anorexia is something that can not be truly comprehended until you live through it. This article is not a congratulations to myself; this is for all the people in the world that need to see these words. This is for all the girls and boys who feel they have run out of hope. Please do not give up. I understand how great you think it feels, but I promise you will feel so much better on the other side. If this article helps even one person, then in my eyes it has completed its purpose.

Dear fighter,

I understand how it feels amazing when in the beginning everyone compliments you because you are in the "best shape of your life." People constantly tell you how "skinny" you are. They always tell you that you are "beautiful." But the disorder is so much deeper than what you see at face value. The sad fact is that even you may not know why you are doing what you are doing.

I remember sitting through countless therapy sessions with the professionals. They ask you to think about things in your life that you did not think you still carried on your shoulders. You learn all the intricate pieces of your life. That incident you blocked out from your childhood. That kid in fourth grade who told you you had a big butt. You remember the fights with the people you care about most. Soon enough you come to the realization that you would do anything for just about everyone around you, but you would allow yourself to die without a second thought.

Here is a secret: it's not about the food or how skinny you are. It really is not. If I tell you, "I feel fat." I am really hiding a fear that I have. I might mean, "I feel the stress of the entire world on my shoulders," I might mean, "I am worried about my test." I might mean, "I have gotten into a fight with my best friend, and I really do not know what to do without her." In those incidents I do not see my body for what it is. I look in the mirror and see this massive girl. By focussing on my body it allows me to be distracted from what is actually bothering me.

The scariest thing my mom has ever said to me was when she compared anorexia to cancer. I remember snapping and telling her how that was messed up to downplay cancer like that. I told her cancer was no joke, but I was doing exactly what I told her she was doing because she was right in her comparison. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard them say anorexia is a silent killer.

Now, this is what they do not tell you through recovery. They do not tell you that it is something you can do. At least if you are like me, they say to fully recover is impossible because I shut people out too much. They told me I was too stubborn, but I promise you if you dedicate yourself, you can do it and more. Their is an entire world ready for you to conquer. With the strength that you built up over the years anything is possible. You will have this easiness about life. You will feel amazing. I remember how I would get a bruise in September and still have it in March. My body heals from everything months faster now. I get a bruise in the beginning of a month and it is gone by the end of the same month.

If you are in the midst of fighting this battle, I believe in you. I have faith in you. Take a couple deep breaths, fight with all your might, and win this battle. Do not do it for your parents. Do not do it for your siblings. Do not do it for your best friends. Do not do it for your boyfriend. Do it for you and nobody else. You are worth it. You are worth fighting for.