At first you control it, but then it starts to control you. Every day is spent worrying about food. What meal should I skip today? How many calories is in this? Should I eat now or wait for later? Food. Food. Food. It’s almost as if you’re obsessed with it. Ironic, huh? The one thing you’re avoiding seems to become your obsession. It’s all you can think about. When you’re not eating, it’s in the back of your mind. When you are eating, you’re constantly scolding yourself for giving yourself such a simple pleasure. It’s all a game. A game you are playing with yourself to see who can make it out alive; you or Ana.
Eating disorders are no joke and they affect everyone around you, even those you would never have guessed. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, up to 3 million people in the United States suffer from an eating disorder of some sort. Eating disorders also have the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness in the world. So if all of this is so true and shocking, why does it take people so long to notice and why are cries for help not heard?
Eating disorders are not selective to gender, they go after all kinds of people of all different sizes. That boy that sits next to you in lecture; he has an eating disorder. Oh yeah, and that girl you noticed getting “hotter,” she eats one meal a day. This is real. Eating disorders are a real thing, that effect real people and it’s up to us to stop it.
I remember how it felt when I started to “take control.” My freshman year of college was tough, and being 1,400 miles away from my parents and friends was even tougher. I turned to food and no longer made healthy choices for my body. The poor choices I was making finally caught up with me and I was packing 15 more pounds than when I had first arrived in August. I was disgusted by my own appearance. I could not even bear to look at my reflection in the mirror. I hated myself, but I knew there was a way to fix it. I never thought I would be someone who was obsessed with what food I was putting into my body day in and day out. I never thought I would let myself lose control of who I was and get lost in the race to be thin yet, there I was. I had controlled my eating down to one meal a day and the results I was experiencing were amazing. I was dropping weight like crazy and loved the way I was looking. Slowly, my best friend had started to notice that things weren’t the same. I never hung out with friends, and I always wanted to lay in bed. Nothing excited me anymore and I felt as if I had nothing to look forward to. I didn’t talk to anyone in class and felt as though I did not have many friends. I was alone and it seemed as if nobody cared. I remember trying to reach out for help to the one I cared about the most, yet all he told me was that it was all in my head. You just want attention. I remember how angry this made me. I don’t want attention; I want to stop hating the reflection I see. I want to love myself the way I used to and stop being the monster I have turned into.
Slowly, day by day, I take my journey towards being a healthier me as do all others struggling with an eating disorder. Yes, there are still days when I eat nothing at all and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy them. I take every new day with a grain of salt. I have to take control of my body again and that is something that doesn’t happen overnight. Every day I try to pick out something about myself that I love thanks to advice from my best friend. Before you go and judge somebody for their eating disorder, try and think about the internal demons they may be facing. No, this is not fake. This is not in my head. This is real and it has to be stopped. If somebody you care about starts to act differently, don’t just sit back and watch; do something about it. Reach out to this person and show that you care.
Listen up ladies and gents, today is the day we stop body shaming once and for all. We all need to stop spreading the hate and start spreading the love because we're all beautiful no matter what size we are.
Eating disorders are no joke, so we have to stop treating them like one.
Special thank you to my best friend for showing me how much she cares throughout everything. Those random texts asking me what I’ve eaten really help. You have given me strength and for that I thank you. Thank you, Molly for being more than a friend, but a sister.
