Dear You,

I hope you never forget how much I love you, despite the broken friendship we have now. You'll always have a special place in my heart and I will carry you with me everywhere I go. You've left a mark on me and it's not one that will ever go away with time.

You became my best friend and my brother in just a matter of a year. You knew my every secret. You knew what facial expressions meant what and you knew what I really felt even when I couldn't admit it myself.

Coming to college with you at my side, I felt invincible. I felt so lucky that we could continue on together, getting to do life side-by-side, and have at least one person on my side at all times. With you, I always felt like I didn't need to pretend to be someone else.

You knew my baggage and encouraged me to see past it. You motivated me to do better for myself. You protected me like you were really my brother. You didn't accept excuses for the guys in my life and always reminded me of my worth. You were the first person I would tell anything to and I knew I was yours.

Writing this all down, my heart hurts, my eyes are beginning to tear up, and my stomach is in knots. All I want is to talk to you, to talk it out, and go back to where we were before every fight.

But then I have a thought: Why did we have so many fights?

I admit at the beginning of the year, I had a hard time adjusting and I missed being able to just hang out whenever. But then you started changing.

You wouldn't take responsibility for your actions. You wouldn't apologize and made me feel pathetic for being upset in the first place. You knew how to guilt me and I took the bait so I wouldn't lose you because you made me feel like I was the one who had no justification to feel the way she did.

Even after being in the hospital, you didn't make any extra effort to see me. I understood when you had practice for playoffs. I understood when you were tired from classes all day and hard practices that followed. I understood because I had my own life too.

But I still came to every single one of your games, even when I didn't have to work at them. I still texted you to wish you good luck before you played and congratulated you after every win. I talked to you when you were frustrated with how a game turned out or how you felt you played. Every time you needed to vent or talk about the girl you were in love with, I made sure I was there to talk you through it. I was there for it all. But my time at the hospital, for a painful and exhausting condition, couldn't even get you to come to my dorm and make sure I was okay in person. The one person I needed most when I was afraid and in physical pain couldn't even make 20 minutes to see me.

There's a difference between being physically there for someone and just texting them to stay updated. I thought I meant more. But after all the fights and you making me seem like the one who was always wrong, it took a toll. I no longer felt like a person you cared about. I know it may have never been your intention, but actions can be perceived that way. You broke my heart. And here I am, still suffering, still afraid, and still reeling about this, and never have you reached out. You still haven't asked how I'm doing. You have no idea what's going on in my life or what I'm up to, but I guess it's been like this for a long time. You weren't there, so you never knew.

I still believe in the person you only shared with me. I miss the sensitive and loving friend I once had. I miss the laughs and the deep, nonjudgmental talks we would have. I miss you. But yet again, you allow your pride to control you and I'm left with the notion that you could really care less. And after everything we've been through, that hurts more than anything.

I still believe in you. And maybe one day, you can let down all those walls you've built around yourself. Maybe one day, I won't be the only person to have seen past them. Maybe one day, you'll realize that you could've done things differently. I would love to reconcile our differences and go back to how we used to be, but right now, I think you need some time for growth. I think you need some time to reevaluate the person you want to be and what the people in your life deserve from you. You need to realize that when life gets hard, you need to be there for your loved ones, and not shy away from them because their issues seem too much to deal with. You need to start making time for them and stop making excuses. You need to take responsibility for yourself and not make others feel like they have no right to feel the way they do. You need to learn this.

So now, I have to go my own way. I have to stop myself from calling you. I have to stop blaming myself for the things I didn't do wrong. I have to walk away from it all, because it hurts too much to remember. Walking away is my only option and I still don't see you coming after me and our friendship. I was there for you, through the good and the bad and the ugly, and not many people in your life would've done or dealt with half of the things I did. I loved you and would have done anything for you, because you really were the brother I never had. You were family to me. But that doesn't seem to matter to you. I guess it never has. And I deserve more in a friendship.

I'm always going to be your biggest fan when you take the court, but after all of this, I can only cheer you on from afar. I'm still going to pray for your future success. I'm still going to pray that you can find a way to be your real self in front of the world, and not the person you claim to be. I can only pray that your heart will change in my absence, because you have so much love within it, no matter how much you try to hide it.

I pray one day I can have my best friend back, but for now, just know I love you, regardless of how you broke my heart.

Love,

Your best friend