The journey to self love is not an easy one to take, especially in the present day and age where media outlets have skewed the minds of the public as to what a body is supposed to look like (disclaimer: perfect bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and proportions). If you are lucky, you have family and friends accompanying you on your mission of embracing self love. However, sometimes outside individuals give you that extra push that you really need. For me, that is Gina from the instagram account @nourishandeat. Gina shamelessly and beautifully promotes the concepts of self love, body positivity, and to #embracethesquish in all of the posts she makes. Actually going through the recovery process of an eating disorder herself, she knows exactly what it is like and can speak from experience in order to help others grow. Obviously, I am very excited to have had the opportunity to talk to Gina about all things recovery and body positivity.

1) Would you mind telling me a little bit about yourself as a person?

Oh gosh, I never know what to say when people ask me to describe myself! My name is Gina, I’m an ED survivor and Body Positive activist, and I created the account @nourishandeat and the hashtag #embracethesquish. When I’m not instagramming, I’m either hanging out with my dog (Harry, a rescue), snuggling on the couch watching Netflix, doing yoga, or looking for snacks.

It wasn’t always the account it is now. I created the account mainly to follow a girl whose recovery blog inspired me to get help, and also to be a source of inspiration and community through my recovery. I would post quotes and inspirational things, even if I didn’t believe it at the time, because I knew that just seeing it, and saying the words, propelled me forward. I would post and ask questions about weight gain, or bloating, or how to see my body in a new way. The recovery and body positive community that I found on Instagram literally saved my life, and I want this account to be the influence I never had.

I think that we’ve been force-fed diet culture for so long that we don’t even realize how it permeates every aspect of our society. Everywhere you turn there are “guilt-free” foods and “zero-calorie” snacks and “bikini body” workouts. Women -- and men! -- are taught to be dissatisfied with themselves. There’s always a better way to be - clearer skin, flatter stomach, thinner thighs, thicker hair, smaller waist. Every single magazine cover is littered with phrases like that, and combine that with the images we see? Practically every model in any magazine or advert is photoshopped past recognition -- what message does that send, when even the smallest, thinnest women who most adhere to the beauty standards set for us need to be “fixed”? Its no wonder that girls as young as 6 years old feel bad about their bodies, or that the majority of women who read women's magazines feel depressed - there is such a strong correlation between physical beauty and worth, between thinness and beauty, and between thinness and health. Plus, there is little to no representation of men and women outside of those rigid beauty standards, and so how are people supposed to believe that it’s OK to be anything else than a cis, white, supermodel?

I think the best way we can combat these unrealistic ideals is to be aware of them! Point them out when you see them. Remind yourself, when you see a model in a magazine that’s photoshopped six ways to Sunday, that her body doesn’t actually look like that. But also make it clear that you’re not buying what the media is selling. Stop following accounts, brands, or people who make you feel shit about yourself. Buy from companies that refuse to retouch their models, or brands that embrace diversity in both ethnicity and body type. Choose your influences and make change happen.

Life with anorexia was not life. It consisted of thinking about food, calculating food, calculating how many calories I was consuming, how many I was burning, and how I could manage to fit in more exercise. How I could save on calories by modifying my already heavily restricted diet. I stared at other women on the street and constantly compared myself to them, my legs to theirs, my arms, everything. And quickly it got worse and worse. I upped my time at the gym to more than two hours a day, almost every day. I skipped breakfast and lunch, and took over the role of preparing all our dinners so that I could control my portion size and keep my calorie intake as low as possible. I survived on fewer than 600 calories a day, and burned over 1,000, so I was in calorie deficit almost every single day.

Emotionally I felt nothing. I was depressed all the time. I had panic attacks regularly. I was constantly tense and irritable. I had no sex life and I got dressed and undressed in the dark because I was ashamed of my body and didn’t want my husband to look at me. I went through life on auto-pilot. I knew how to fake being happy. That’s not to say that there weren’t some days where I was genuinely happy, because there were. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life, and it was smack in the middle of my eating disorder. But I bought the wedding dress that I felt least fat in. I couldn’t participate in our wedding tasting because I was having panic attacks and the thought of food made me sick. I exercised myself to exhaustion every day leading up to and after the wedding. I was a zombie most days.

But one night, I was preparing to make dinner for my husband and I, and, sensing that something was wrong, he offered to help. I broke down. I had a panic attack in the middle of the kitchen. We sat there and talked, and we both agreed that we knew I needed to get help. Later that night I started my research into recovery, I took a quiz (on the NEDA website) assessing my risk for an eating disorder (even though I knew the answer), and I made an appointment with a therapist that I’d found through NEDA. I also found LETSRECOVER.tumblr.com, a blog in question/answer style that was written by a girl going through the exact same thing I was. It literally changed my life.

For someone in recovery, I would say: first, throw away your scale, if you haven’t already. Give it away, put it in storage where you can’t get at it, do something where it’s not available to you, but you don’t need it anymore. The temptation to weigh yourself is so great when you’re in recovery - eliminate the chance of setbacks by getting rid of it. Second, rid your social media feed of anything that triggers you or makes you feel bad about yourself (like those fitspo pages that I’m sorry, are thinspo in a sports bra). Third, remember that you are amazing. It takes incredible strength to get up every single day and fight the ghosts in your head telling you that you’re not good enough, or that no one likes you, or that you’re too fat. You are more than the shape of your body, you are more than the number on a size tag. A huge part of recovery (in my opinion) is coming to terms with the fact that not only does your body need to heal, but whatever form it takes during that time is OK.

For someone in a relapse, I would say: I’ve relapsed. It happens. Recovery is not a straight line - you’re going to have setbacks, you’re going to fall down sometimes. You are going to make mistakes. You’re human. No one gets it 100% right all the time. But don’t stay there. I think a lot of people in recovery relapse because they’re so uncomfortable with the body they have in recovery / post recovery. But your body will even out. It’s still healing. You need to take the time your body needs to heal. Freedom is out there. There is life outside of your eating disorder, I promise you.

The obvious signs are reverting back to old habits (restricting, binging, purging, etc), refusal to eat in front of other people, outwardly talking about food or exercise in an unhealthy way. But more subtle signs are refusal to eat “unhealthy” foods, or increased exercise as a way to “work off” meals; making negative comments about their body, or other people’s bodies. Increased anxiety, depression, change in eating habits.

If you suspect someone is relapsing, or in danger of relapsing, talk to them. Don’t blame them, or make any assumptions, but ask them how they’re feeling. Tell them that you’d love to talk to them if they’d like, or just listen. Let them know you’ve noticed a change, and want to make sure they’re OK.

I’m so happy you want to explore and cultivate self love!! It’s such an amazing journey, and I promise you that the kind of acceptance and forgiveness you’ll find there, you won’t ever want to go back.

One of the things I like to do is, every night, I take a little time while I’m getting ready for bed to look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I’m naked, sometimes it’s right before I get in the shower, sometimes it’s when I’m in baggy sweats, whenever it is - but I take a few minutes to really look at my body. I look at the things I’m unhappy with at the moment, and I allow myself to feel whatever emotions come to me at that time. I don’t try to push them back or stop them from coming. I allow them to take up space in my mind, just for a moment. And then I look at the things I’m really loving, or feeling confident about, and I remember how those things are so much more important, but also how my beauty is not dependent on the things I am secure or insecure about. How I am more than the shape of this body I’ve been given.