In all honesty, I've written and re-written this article a good 30 times. Part of me wants to expose the Army for the utter bullsh*t they put me through for 18 days. How they've destroyed my sense of worth and made me feel extremely isolated. But, I was supposed to come home as a success story not a disappointment. For the past week people have been congratulating me on "attempting" a military lifestyle, in turn making me feel like I failed. I know I did my best, the Army just wasn't in the cards for me right now. When they shipped me home I felt like I was on display, it was yet another thing I had quit, no one cares why I'm home, they just see this a typical "Sam thing."

When I arrived at Basic Training in Fort Jackson, I had the world in my hands. I was unstoppable. I was about to accomplish everything I've ever wanted to do. But, it was shortly ended by an MOT (Moment of Truth). After being up for 48 hours I caved, admitted to being mentally ill in the past and in 15 minutes my Army career was over.

In retrospect, I understand why they sent me home, nobody could guess how Basic Training would affect a girl who dealt with severe anxiety and was diagnosed with PTSD when she was 16. However, I was cleared after a psych evaluation and they promised to ship me a good 20 times, but for 18 days I sat and waited at my chance to attempt a life-long dream. When the Company Commander finally admitted I was never shipping, it was a slap in the face to everything I'd ever worked for. Everyone was right: I wasn't good enough, I wasn't strong enough, I would never have a place in the military. I left defeated, but confident that one day I would be back.

After they began my discharge process, I was put on the Buddy System, because for some reason in the five days I had been at Fort Jackson I had attempted to commit suicide, which was news to me. I had never even thought about trying to kill myself. They thought I would cut myself, maybe even shoot a person or myself if they sent me out to the firing range. My personal business had become everyone's business. In the Army you have no privacy. I was confused as to why they made me seem crazy on paper, in turn giving them more reason to make me ineligible to complete my training. In their mind, my frustration meant "She was going to end it all, kill herself." Who in their right mind would take my frustration as suicidal ideation?

But that was just the beginning....

As a holdover, you're constantly waiting to learn your fate. You're in a limbo. Not quite a solider, not quite your own person; you're technically the Government's property and they own you. I would almost compare it to slavery, but that might be a little overdramatic. We were up at 3 a.m. everyday, ate in 10 minutes or less at every meal, and did the Army's dirty work. It doesn't sound as bad when I say it out loud, but it's the memories that come with that statement. My experience at Basic has left me fragile, I feel like part of me is missing, the Army did a good job at breaking me down, but they never built me back up to become a strong solider.

I don't even think I could explain in this article what happened to me. For each holdover it's a different experience. Some of them are happy to be coming home; they didn't even want to be there in the first place. Those types of holdovers were the most aggravating to me because they wasted both their recruiters time and their own time. Sure the benefits are nice but joining the military is all about being a part of something bigger than yourself. Many people joined just because of those benefits but at the end of the day we were all in it together. We were all soldiers in the making.

At Fort Jackson alone, there has been 443 suicides in the past year, the majority of them being at reception and basic training. Am I surprised? No. The drill sergeants created an atmosphere where they told us straight up, that if we wanted out suicide was the best choice. One kid in my battalion was almost even successful, but someone found him just in time. From what we were told he had tried to hang himself by his belt in the shower. The drill sergeants had us all line up in formation and watch as they put him on the ambulance, and then we were told to point and laugh. Why would we ever laugh at someone struggling? Then the drill sergeant made a joke about suicide and told the whole battalion that "p---y ass b-----s that choose the easy way out, don't deserve anything in life, he was better off dead."

Then I had my very own shower incident. I was caught taking a shower during our free-time in the middle of the day, and as punishment I had to do a set of push ups naked in front of a drill sergeant. Many male drill sergeants had seen the female privates naked before, they walked in our bays like they owned it, never giving us warning. It was humiliating. It was just another way for them to tear us down, and in turn I come home half of the person I used to be.

There is so much more to my experience at Fort Jackson that I wish I had the strength to talk about, and maybe one day I'll be able to express all that I can't right now. I am defeated, and tired. The Army did a good job at making me feel like a worthless piece of sh*t. The girl who ran off the bus on May 31 who had to do push-ups for smiling when she got to reception, she's not here anymore. I go to sleep, but it's never a good sleep. I'm on edge, I'm anxious and I'm angry. I've lashed out at people who love me, and to many people's dismay, I haven't gotten over my experience at Fort Jackson.

I'm sorry to everyone who invested time and energy into my dream. I am so sorry to leave you all disappointed. This is not what I wanted, I wanted to come home a proud American and an even prouder solider. I wanted to show all the people who ever doubted me that I could do it. I know I am still strong, independent and capable of conquering the world, but right now I'm a little lost. It's not easy, and a lot of things in my future are unclear.

Lots of love to Charlie 120th, thank you for everything, I'll never forget you.