Every now and then there is a question that always comes to find me. "Rachel, you are seeing anyone right now?"
Usually, this comes from my relatives that I haven't seen in a while, or my mom who wants an occasional update on my love life, or just the spark of small talk while meeting someone. Well, the answer 99.9% of the time the answer is no. And with that .1% is usually like "oh, I went on a date like a month ago".
But, when this question does get asked of me, a jolt of fear strikes in the pit of my stomach. This summer I did a little soul-searching, spent time with myself and my thoughts, and decided that I do have a fear of love.
I've never been someone who is a 'relationship person' per say. But some people are always in relationships, and others are always single. (Weird to word, but I think you might have an idea of what I mean.) But when I had some time to think about it, love really freaks me out. The fact that you are pouring your heart out to someone and then having them just crush it and throw it back in your face is terrifying. Yes, life is full of risks, but I am scared to even do the smallest of romantic gestures to someone.
In my last relationship, I wrote my boyfriend a nice long love note. (Cheesy, but I love doing little things like that, and I feel like I express myself better when I do write it down. Thus, love notes.) And…something like that (at least how I am as a person, is really how I express myself) is one of the ways I pour my heart out to someone. Well, just moments later he ripped it up and threw it in my face. All the time I would do nice things for him, and he would beat me in return.
Just the thought of being committed to someone scares the heck out of me. It's not that I have issues with commitment because I am no cheater by all means (and I could never cheat on anyone). Just making myself vulnerable to someone terrifies me, and I keep my guard up because I'm terrified to get hurt again.
I know and hope that in time I will feel better about love. But from my past, it really has torn me down. I've definitely learned a lot. I'll admit I'm afraid of love and but that's okay.