Falling in love is painted out to be a perfect fairytale when in reality it's far from it. Falling in love is scary. It's full of uncertainty. It's full of pain. It's full of all the things about love that you would never expect.
Sometimes, you fall in love with someone and they don't love you back. Sometimes you fall in love with someone and you had no intentions of doing so. And sometimes, just sometimes, love works out the way it should.
All in all, falling in love is great, if it's with the right person. Having been someone who fell in love with the wrong person, it's horrible… Trust me. I loved him with every ounce of my being. He was the light of my life until suddenly he wasn't. He broke me in ways I never thought I could've been broken. I stopped being me.
I spent every hour of every single day in bed. I stopped talking to the people I loved the most. I stopped doing what I loved. My whole world stopped and for what reason? The first person I had ever fallen in love with threw me away like I was a burnt out cigarette.
My love for him kept me trapped. I chased him for months after he left me. Sometimes he would come back on his own, sending me a song that made him think of me or asking me what changed since the last time we spoke. The answer was always the same, I was always doing fine or simply just okay.
While I know he did love me at one point, I'm not sure if it's enough for me to keep trying to make something work after it's been broken so many times. I wouldn't take back what I've been through. He taught me how to love. He taught me how to know when it's time to move on.
Loving him wasn't easy. Loving him cost me so many relationships with friends and family. Nobody wanted me to love him, yet I couldn't stop. I wanted his late night conversations. I wanted his early morning wake ups. I wanted him to love me the way I love him, but love doesn't always happen that way.
The thing with loving him is that I know I always will. A piece of me will always belong to him and I think that's the worst part of love. You can try to ignore it, but it will always be there. One day, you'll meet someone, but your love for that first person will always be there. You'll find yourself absentmindedly comparing that first love to whoever comes after them, praying that the next person doesn't hurt you.
Love knows no bounds. It doesn't magically happen and there's no switch to turn it off. Falling for him showed me that love isn't what you expect. It's not magical, kissing in the rain moments that drive it. It's the little things. It's the way someone looks at you. It's the way someone holds you without realizing what they're doing. It's the sound of their voice when they sing you a song without ever breaking eye contact.
Love isn't concrete. There is no set way to love someone. It's up to you to figure out how to show love. It's up to you to learn how the other person shows love. Nothing is set in stone when it comes to love.
