Dear my first love,

I want to start by saying I do not hate you, despite you breaking my heart. Trust me I've tried, and I told you in person that I tried to hate you but I couldn't. Going into my freshman year of college I decided to get into a relationship that from the start had red flags, but I ignored because I was blinded by the fact that someone had any interest in me. That was my mistake, but at first, I was happy. I was. I was with someone that I could go see anytime I wanted, they only lived a couple of minutes away, and when it was just us together everything was fine. Now you are a stranger to me, I have no clue who the person I see is anymore. The person I fell in love with is gone. I still remember everything that happened on September 7th, that lead us to date and how happy I was. I remember everything about the boy I fell in love with and why I fell so hard for him. No one else around me can see the reasons on to why I stuck around so long, but that's because I don't like giving up on people, and with him, I saw the good, and the person he can be. And looking back now, I shouldn't have stayed because dating someone who isn't in love with themselves is one of the most heartbreaking and damaging decisions I ever made. I lost myself in the process of trying to help rebuild someone else. I lost sight of what I loved to do, what made me happy because I wanted to make the other person get to a place of being happy. I remember all the nights I was left crying alone in my room, while he went out, or went to go hang out with other girls. I remember losing my trust for him after seeing and hearing things. I remember all the times he told me not to worry about the other girl. Well, I had a right to worry, because everything I was scared of came true. Now living on the same campus as someone you had a relationship with is so hard. And seeing them with the girl who helped ruin your relationship and is constantly mean to you is even harder, but I know that I did everything I could with him. It's not like I want a relationship with him, because I don't. That is the last thing I want. I miss the friendship that we shared, but at the end of the day, I know that I tried. I know that everyone around us knows the truth of what happened and the type of person I am, and that gives me comfort in all of this. Knowing that I have people that have my back makes this process easier. I do need to say thank you to this person. Thank you for showing me what I don't deserve in a relationship. I've learned that I deserve a lot more than what I got, and I deserve someone who wants to be with me, and won't make me feel like an option to them. I lost so much of who I was last year, to the point that for a while I thought I didn't deserve to be happy, but I do. I know that seeing him and her on campus won't be easy at first but at the same time I know the pain I was in being with him, and how much better off I am right now. I don't need someone who would constantly hurt me, so they deserve each other. While I still have love for him, I am in no way in love with him. I have gotten past that stage, and am ready to move on. If there is one piece of advice I can give to anyone, it's that dating someone who doesn't love themselves is one of the hardest things and can sometimes leave you feeling lonely, you don't deserve that no matter how bad they make you feel, you deserve happiness. I'm still trying to convince myself to listen to my advice and open up to people since I'm so scared to let anyone in again but I know that not everyone is going to treat me the same way he did. Now to end this I'm just going to say I do not regret being with you. I know that everything happens for a reason and having this experience needed to happen so I can grow and know what I deserve in life. I hope one day soon I will be able to walk past you and not take a second glance since I'm working on myself in a positive way to make myself happy again and to pick up the piece of myself that I let you tear down.