Heartbreak is a metaphor; it is a phrase of imagination. Your organ cannot physically fracture, your blood vessels cannot conditionally crack and your aorta will not simply shatter into a million pieces—even though that’s exactly what it feels like. When your feelings are hurt and a relationship is betrayed, it feels as though your heart really does just drop. It then finds a crowded area of your stomach and settles in. It feels like your body is pulling itself inward toward your core, concaving. The drop later sends what feels like an electric shock throughout your limbs. A pressure that you can track like poison pumping and electricity eating at your veins. The pain is overwhelming, yet numb. The sensation happens all within seconds, but feels like decades. And suddenly, after this instantaneous feeling is over, your eyes widen, to see if what happened, really just happened—and it did.
Heartbreak, no matter how figurative yet real it may be, sucks. I’ve been there. It’s impossible not to think about what could’ve been. Its unfeasible to not wonder: where everything went wrong, what he’s thinking, what he’s doing…
The initial pain and sadness is dangerous, but the curiosity is lethal.
Although, heartbreak is necessary in life. And as much as heartbreak is terrible and painful, heartbreak is a good thing. Heartbreak proves your worth and uncovers everything you truly deserve. The person who you thought someone was can be totally altered and the way you look at yourself after the fact, is then altered as well. You realize how strong you are for being able to leave your best friend. You realize how independent you are to no longer desire this person’s attention. You realize how much better of a person you are because you were willing to fight while they just wanted to give up and let go. You are more passionate, you care more—which is bittersweet, but ultimately paints you as the more dedicated and loving person. After trying so hard to piece your relationship and your heart back together, you realize that you can’t. Because it takes two, and you deserve someone who is going to fight for you just the same. No matter how much it hurts, you know you need to finally let go for yourself, because you simply deserve more. You deserve better than this person who just went against all their values. You deserve someone who doesn’t break promises and doesn’t do everything they said they wouldn’t. You deserve someone who stays true to themselves and doesn’t evolve into the exact type of person they despise. You deserve someone who doesn’t just say that they love you, but really proves it. Be with a person who shows your worth every day. Because the only person who deserves you, is the one who thinks that they don’t.
If he wants you he will fight for you. Don’t make him want you, you’ll both feel terrible and diminished. You need to learn when to walk away. You need to find just the right moment between giving it everything you have and still leaving with your dignity and respect. Don’t go in circles, don’t prolong what cannot be undone. You will drive yourself crazy and push him out even more. Leave while you’re ahead, leave him missing you, leave him pondering his mistake. Chin up, shoulders back, you tried, he didn’t. And that says so much more about you, than it ever could about him.
Stop searching for why things happened. Because you will never know, he doesn’t even know. It is a mixture of confusion and love and hate and a million of other sensations that can’t be described with words. Stop searching for why, and stop thinking and stop overthinking. You can’t change the past, so learn to let go. Learn to walk away happy and healthy and stronger. Learn how to fall in love with yourself and be your own best friend. Don’t be dependent on someone else for the love of yourself. You were beautiful and smart and amazing before he told you.
It is so true that you don’t realize what you have until you no longer have it. And people will never see how much you did for them, until you’re gone. You were satin but their fingertips were senseless. You were the sunset but their eyes were blinded. They didn’t know what they really had—because they never put in the effort to value it. They got comfortable when they had you, and they were satisfied by your presence that they took you for granted. They had you, so they stopped doing what it took to get you. They truly didn’t realize what they had, until it was gone. But the opposite is true as well. You don’t see what you deserve because you are so blinded by loving someone who’s ultimately changed for the worse. You don’t see what you are capable of because you become dependent on this person that you are so much better than. You don’t realize what you can do, until you let go of what’s holding you back. You must walk away from what you want to see what you truly deserve. They will see all you did and what no one else would ever do for them—they will miss you. And you will realize that you are so much better off—you will be happy.
The way they leave says it all. If they ignore you, sleep with someone else or if they scream until they get their closure and walk out on you, they really redefine themselves in a negative light. But this negative light is truly them at their core. Because they can choose to civilly talk to you, or to agree to disagree and walk away with respect and integrity—but they didn’t. This moment of them going against everything who you thought they were is them in their most raw being. This is them being the most vulnerable you’ve ever seen them. Because to protect themselves from getting hurt, they put up a defense of ignoring you, a blonde distraction or utter screaming—to keep from being hurt, they hurt you. So, leave being the bigger person, let them make a fool of themselves. You cried more, you cared more, you deserve more. You walked away the better person while they immaturely screamed and pouted until they got in the last word that they didn’t deserve.
You’re going to think that you miss him, but I promise that you don’t. Love is not only a feeling but it’s also habitual. It’s addictive and dangerous and toxic and beautiful all at the same time. You think you miss him, but you miss the attention, you miss your best friend, you miss the late talks and date nights. You miss being in a relationship, not the person. When he wants you back and finally realizes what he’s done and who he’s become and how he hurt his favorite person in the whole world, he will want you back. But don’t do it. Because as familiar as that face and those lips and that voice sounds, and as safe as you think it may make you feel, be stronger than that. Because you are remembering who he used to be, not who he left as. You are looking at the potential of who he can become but you are not realizing him for who he really is. You miss all the good times and laughs and smiles. But do you remember crying on the phone at 2am? Do you remember being screamed as until his spit burned your skin? Do you remember when he punched the wall, threw the chair and his blue irises went bloodshot from the yelling when you did nothing wrong? Do you remember sobbing on your floor and feeling confused as to how you can possibly still be in love with this person? All the tears, broken promises, and broken hearts—now tell me, why would you ever want to feel that way again? If you think that you really do miss him, then fine. But just remember that there is a difference between missing someone, and wanting them back.
He is wrong for coming back and thinking he can have you. He is wrong to want you when it’s convenient and then leave you just the same. The apology will come later from him when he realizes who he hurt. He thought that giving up a good thing for a good time would solve his problems; however, his insecurities and issues have nothing to do with you—but he couldn’t see that. He saw you as the only tangible and pliable thing that he could change. He wanted control over the direction of his life because he can’t simply erase his anxiety nor his innate issues, so he erased you to feel the power… as if cutting you out was the answer. But that initial feeling of relief and freedom is only temporary, until he realizes how troubled and lonely he truly is. He was so cruel in the end because he needed to push you out. He needed to make you the enemy when you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s easier to blame someone other than yourself. It’s easier to be mad than to be sad and he didn’t want to find himself missing you because he wanted to protect himself from being hurt. So, he forgot who you were and all you’ve done for him. Instead, he made you the bad guy and blocked you out. He's going to turn it on you but be stronger than that. Don't justify or explain or prove yourself to someone who isn't worth it. No matter how much you are right, he's not going to see it. And that's one of the most difficult things to do—to see something so clearly and the one you love just can’t. But once he finally understands how he acted immature and selfish and was wrong to hurt the one he loves, the apology will no longer be wanted nor needed.
When someone changes as a person, it is hard to see them that way because you fell in love with an alternate version of them. People will ask you how you can possible still love this person and it’s because you are in love with who they used to be. And you hold on, because you see the potential for it to all go back to normal. But, the more you hold on, the more your hands hurt and your legs ache from carrying all the weight. The more you try to piece everything back together, the more is taken from you and stripped off your body just trying to find things to rummage up and invest in someone who’s not willing to do the same. The emptier you are left, and the more you realize that not everyone has a heart like yours. It’s so sad and painful to watch someone who was so amazing just plummet down into a completely different person and have them not even realize the terrible change nor try to stop it. What hurts the most is not what physically happened and it is not what was verbally said—it’s who we both have become. It’s hard to compare who you each were together months ago, and it’s hard to see the transition in the relationship. It doesn’t even feel real that things can change like that. And that we can be treated so amazingly and then so terribly all within the same year by the same person. It’s difficult to accept that this is who we’ve grown to be, and it’s impossible to swallow this as your reality because you just want to wake up from the nightmare. But, the sad truth is that you end up breaking your own heart, by choosing to always see the best in people. And one of the hardest things to do after the one you love turns into a monster, is grieving the loss of a person who is still alive. You lost your best friend, you lost the one you care for most, and you can no longer protect them. You can’t help them find themselves again and you can’t prevent them from going further down this dreadful path of diminished values and unloyalty. As much as they don’t deserve your help, and regardless of how much you want to help because you still love them for who they used to be—you can’t. Because they’re already gone. Don’t live waiting for him to go back to who he was and don’t wait around for him to change. Don’t waste your time on someone who no longer exists.
Overall, heartbreak is a part of life. But loving like there’s no such thing as a broken heart is also a part of maturing and contains emotions that you need to experience. Heartbreak proves who you are and what you deserve; heartbreak puts everything into perspective and allows you to open new doors and close the toxic ones. Doing all you can and loving with all your might is a beautiful and noble thing. But also, this extreme passion has an extreme downfall. Because the more you love, the more you are vulnerable. The more you put in, the more you can lose. So, in life your heart will break and shatter and simply fall apart. It is a part of growing up and finding yourself. Just make sure whoever breaks your heart, is worth it.
Personally, what kept me going is that there’s so much more happening in the world. Someone just died, someone just lost their job and someone just lost their son. I looked back on this teenage problem and was upset with myself for wasting time thinking about someone that wasn’t thinking about me. And I wallowed and worried over someone who was already moved on. It wasn’t the end of the world, it was the beginning of an entirely new chapter. I realized that my problems were only as big as what I make of them. And nothing can bring you down if you don’t let it. I’m not the first girl in the world to have her heart broken and I’m not the last. Life goes on, and I want to make sure I am moving with it.
Along with that, I also learned that laughter really is the best medicine. I learned that my friends and family are the ultimate and best distraction. I learned the value of making myself happy. I learned not to mistake salt for sugar. I learned to never feel badly about what I want in life. I learned to never feel guilty for what I deserve. Never let him define you. Stop worrying about other people that aren’t worrying about you. And most importantly, never, NEVER have tell someone how to treat you.
Don’t think someone else won’t give you that same love he did. That warmth is because you taught him it. You showed him how to love, he recognized it and he reciprocated it. The love he gave you is a reflection of the person you are. Don’t give him the credit for your amazingness. So, keep your chin up, he’s not crying over you, Honey.
Don’t go looking for happiness in the same place you lost it. And stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love. Because you always thought he was worth it, but meanwhile, you forgot that you are worth it, too.