My Life Sucks Without You, Best Friend

My Life Sucks Without You, Best Friend

One of my best friends moved away when we were 12 and I haven't seen him - or heard from him - since.

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Sometimes I wonder if you even remember I exist. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because memories flood my brain, thinking about how great of a friend you were to me. You were there for me when everybody else left me, and I realize now that I never treated you the way you deserved to be treated. You deserved to be treated like a prince or a king, and I treated you like you were just everybody else. I didn't treat you as nicely as I should have, and maybe that's why you haven't tried to get in touch with me since you moved.

Or maybe we just weren't as close as I thought we really were.

I can remember how I started getting really antsy and upset easily, how I never noticed those were the signs that I was going to have the mental illnesses I have now.. You were there for me. You stood up for me when everybody else turned their backs against me. You were there when I would fall down (literally..) and you were there for me when I just didn't feel anything. In our fourth grade year, you had a really bad asthma attack. You had hives covering your body and your doctor told you not to go to school that day, yet you did. I made sure that you were okay once you were in the classroom, walking with you to go where you needed to go and making sure that your water bottle was filled if you drank too much of it.

I can remember that year vividly because that was the year that I formed what I thought was the biggest crush to ever exist. I didn't realize that it was merely platonic love, I was just blinded by the fact that I knew I wanted to have you in my life forever. I thought that was what true love was, but I know better now. We were always picked to be in the same groups, and when we weren't picked to we still chose to. We did everything together in fourth grade.

When fifth grade came around, we grew even closer. Everybody knew I had a "crush" on you by then, so they would always tease me about it. You never did, though. You never tried to hurt me in any way, shape, or form. You stood by me when they would pick at me, and you would stand up for me when you thought that I needed a shoulder to cry on. We were in a play that year, and my character was flirting with yours. Everybody in our grade thought it was hilarious because not only did I have the biggest case of stage fright (which I still do, to be completely honest with you..), but I had to stand up in front of everybody and flirt with you. I thought I was going to die, but you still smiled at me and told me that I was doing great even when I screwed everything up on my end.

You moved away in sixth grade. I can still remember that one of our last conversations was in our health class. You looked at me and asked me, innocently, if I was going to miss you when you moved. My heart shattered so much that I felt shards of it piercing my lungs. I couldn't breathe, so I just muttered out a simple "no" as a response. I went home and cried that day, the thought of losing one of my closest friends so unbearable that I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

There's so much I want to tell you now.. Like how I had my first kiss in 8th grade, how I held a long-term relationship for the first time in 7th grade, how I chopped all of my hair off once 7th grade started, and how things didn't get better for me like I made it seem. Things were dark, and I wish that I had you around so that I could have somebody there for me when I needed them. Someone I loved hurt me really badly, and I'm still trying to recover from it even though it was years ago. I'm studying at that college I never shut up about, the one that I wanted to get into so badly.. I'm getting better, I'm growing stronger, and I still think about you from time to time. I think about all the good memories that we had together, all the fun times that we would play on the playgrounds and laugh about stupid things that were going on in our lives.

If you're reading this, which I doubt you are, I want you to know that you'll always be one of my closest friends. You'll always be somebody that I think about when times are getting dark, and if I get an opportunity to connect with you again.. That would be the best present a girl could ever wish for.

Oh, and I broke that hair clip you loved so much. The gold one with the gems on it in floral patterns. More of the gems fell out. It was just as important to me as you were because of the memories it held within it's gems.

You will forever be my best friend.

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To High School Seniors In Their Last Semester

Senior year moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
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Dammit, you made it. The final semester of your senior year. You’re at the top of the food chain of high school, and it feels so good. You’re probably praying this last semester flies by, that you get out of town as soon as possible.

At this point, you’re calling teachers by their first names, the entire staff knows you by name, and you’re walking around school standing tall, owning those hallways. You’re convinced you’re ready to leave and move on to the next chapter in your life.

You’ve already experienced your last football game, standing in the cold in the front row of the student section all season long, decked out in your school colors and cheering loud and proud. That is, until they lost, and you realized you will never have that experience again. Never again.

SEE ALSO: What I Wish I Knew As A Second-Semester High School Senior

You already had your last winter break. Preparing and celebrating the holidays with your family, ice skating and sledding with your best friends. Those quiet nights alone in your room watching Netflix, taking for granted your loved ones just a few rooms away. Never again.

If you’re an athlete, you may have already played in your last game or ran your last race. The crowd cheering, proudly wearing your school’s name across your chest, giving it your all. For some, it may be the end of your athletic career. Before you knew it, you were standing in an empty gym, staring up at the banners and thinking about the mark you left on your school, wondering where on earth the time went. Never again.

I’m telling you right now, you’re going to miss it all. Everything you’ve ever known. Those early mornings when you debate going to first hour because you really need those McDonald’s hash browns. The late nights driving home from practice, stopping for ice cream of course, ready for a late night of homework. Getting food on a whim with your friends. Endless fights with your siblings. Your favorite chips in the pantry. A fridge full of food. Coming home to and getting tackled by your dog. Driving around your hometown, passing the same sights you’ve seen every day for as long as you can remember. Hugs from your mom after a long day. Laughs with your dad. And that best friend of yours? You’re going to miss them more than anything. I’m telling you right now, nothing will ever be the same. Never again.

SEE ALSO: I'm The Girl That Enjoyed High School

Before you start packing your bags, slow down, take a deep breath, and look around. You’ve got it pretty good here. The end of your senior year can be the time of your life; it’s truly amazing. So go to the winter dance, go to Prom, spend Senior Skip Day with your classmates, go to every sporting event you can, while you still can. College is pretty great, but it’s the little things you’re gonna miss the most. Don’t take it for granted because soon, you’ll be standing in a packed gym in your cap and gown, wondering where the heck the time went. You’ve got a long, beautiful life ahead of you, full of joy but also full of challenges. You’re going to meet so many wonderful people, people who will treat you right and people who won’t.


So, take it all in. Be excited for the future and look forward to it, but be mindful of the present. You’ve got this.
Cover Image Credit: Hartford Courant

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A Little Glimpse Into What It's Like To Grieve In Your 20s

Debunking the stigma behind grief in the everyday young adult

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A few days before last semester my little brother, Ethan, took his life. After years of him struggling to find his place in the world, he put his troubles and sorrows to rest. I had just moved into my sorority house to begin my Junior year, and a few days later I awakened late at night with several missed calls and messages. My dad texted me saying, "Ethan passed away Blair, dad is so sorry." When I first read the text, I had to keep reminding myself that it was real. Shortly after receiving that, my parents and family friends came to bring me home from school.

The next few days were filled with a roller coaster of emotions. I was reuniting with old friends and community members for days on end while we were all trying to understand the immense pain that my brother had felt. Soon, I went back to school because I knew that even in times of tragedy, life goes on. Above all else, I knew it's what my brother would have wanted. Being back at school is/was interesting. I felt like I was being judged by everyone for returning to school so early. I was in no way ready to discuss my family's recent tragedy, and I am still not ready to discuss it, yet people insist on asking for information regarding my brother's death. Despite this, the people around me continuously promised to support me when I was feeling sad or hopeless. The weeks after Ethan's death had me in a complete fog, making it hard to focus even to this day.

Fortunately, not many people have to deal with the death of a sibling at such a young age. Subsequently, many are not sure how to handle such a thing. I am often at a loss for words for what this experience feels like. Often times I feel bad that people don't know how to respond to me. Grief is something I would never wish upon someone.

Even on the days I feel alone, I know that there are people here to support me.

It means the world to me when people reach out and ask how I am doing, or to meet up with me for something as simple as ice cream. I appreciate this more than one knows.

On top of dealing with my brother's death I was dealing with rejection from a boy for the first time. Rejection of any kind is difficult, and is something everyone experiences in their life. Although I have felt rejection in many forms, especially being an aspiring actress, this was the first from a potential suiter. The loss of any friendship has been so hard after losing my brother. It has been hard to process other aspects of my life, and especially the crazy life of dating and being a 20-year-old in college. Moving on, and separating my grief from that rejection has been no easy feat.

As my semester was coming to a close, I ran into the boy I was interested in at a holiday party. This time of year had proven to be hard for me when I thought of the happy times spent with my brother during the holidays. That night was the first time I was unable to compose myself and put my best face forward being the actress I am. I couldn't hide my emotions anymore and I was overcome with grief. I had hit rock bottom. This journey has consisted of immeasurable self-doubt and soul searching.

Soon after the holiday party, I was told by someone who has been an authoritative figure to me, that "I was grieving weirdly" and that I "should go home for the rest of semester and take an incomplete". There were only two weeks left of the semester and my grades were great. I was so deeply offended by this notion, and that they had the audacity to judge the way I was grieving. I have been trying my best, and that is all that I can do. Despite this toxic conversation, I finished out the semester strong and took my well-deserved three-week break. My break was filled with much needed respite, creative inspiration, and time to collect my thoughts.

Coming back to school, I had an open conversation with my community on the reasonable steps they could take to support me in my journey for the rest of the school year. All someone that is grieving asks, is for you to sympathize with them. Thankfully, it was received well and I look forward to my upcoming semester.

There is often a stigma behind people who are actively grieving. Yes, I am going through a lot, yes, I am sad. But that doesn't mean I am incapable of loving life and experiencing things going on around me at school or in my life. This especially includes dating. I have learned that it is okay to embrace my feelings and express them in whatever way I deem fit. Grieving the loss of my brother has also made me stronger than ever. I can handle anything and I am ready to make my impact on the world.

Everyone experiences pain, struggle, grief, etc. What matters most, is how they come out of it. I want to continue the message of kindness. I am so grateful for my newfound bravery and at the end of the day, I will always miss my brother's unique perspective and outstanding sense of humor. If he were here today, first he'd probably roast me and then I know he would only want the best for me. In the end I plan to live my happiest life.

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