As an extrovert, I like being around people. I like long talks that last until four in the morning, I like parties with lots of people that I know, I even like casual silences between two people that don't cause a sense of awkwardness. As someone with mild social anxiety, however, I also dread certain social situations, particularly ones that make me talk when I don't want to with people I don't want to. I have literally run away from social situations that made me uncomfortable in the past and consider myself a chronic over thinker. When I'm done with a conversation or situation, I think of 10,000 things I could have said that would've been better, or I just regret the whole thing.
While I like being the center of attention (I'm also a Leo), I must admit that it makes me uncomfortable at the same time. It's like being proverbially stuck in the "people singing happy birthday to you before you can blow out the candles" situation, where you're happy and full of love/excitement, but you also have no idea how to react to this attention. This makes oral presentations a huge ordeal and causes me to put off any awkward conversations with friends for as long as possible.
The worst part about this is that none of it is within my control. People will ask "why can't you just try?" without realizing that I am in fact trying. It's hard. I want to be socially fluid without rethinking every word that comes out of my mouth. Social anxiety also causes me to believe that I am a burden to those around me at all times. I constantly wonder if I'm talking too much or too little if my reactions to their words are what they are looking for, if I'm annoying someone just with my presence. People accuse me of being "shy," but this couldn't be further from the truth. I am not an introvert, though I can associate a lot with some of the characteristics. I am an extrovert—I am the type that society is set up for, yet I cannot live up to these standards.
I feel myself falling into the background when I want to be center stage. The worst is that I often have no control over my emotions. I try to put off a rough, emotionless exterior (much due to my natural resting bitch face), but sometimes I'll find myself in a situation and my emotions will betray me. I'll want to explain myself extensively, but then the tears start flowing and I can barely squeak a word out. All I can manage is an "I can't" out loud, even though there are entire essays of what I want to say going through my head. Needless to say, this leads to a whole lot of confusion and anger in my relationships, all because of something entirely in my head.
This anxiety has come and gone in waves throughout my life. Though there is always that part of my brain that overthinks everything, there are times when I feel comfortable as a full extrovert, meeting new people and hanging out every night of the week. Then there are the times when I actually have to question if I'm an introvert: when I have to be dragged to social gatherings and only really want to be around my boyfriend, my parents or one or two close friends. It's hard, and it doesn't make sense to me, or those around me. When I'm in the wave of anxiety, people think back to how I was before said wave. Yeah, I would've jumped on the opportunity to go out two months ago, but right now I just can't.
The thing I want people to understand is that this is my burden, and I'm working on it. I'm working on myself. When I'm feeling anti-social, I try to push myself and do things anyway. It's as though there's a barrier in my brain, and I'm trying to tear it down brick by brick.
Anxiety is not anything uncommon, yet other people often treat it as it is. Surely you've seen someone post a status or share a video/photo that mentioned it in some way; it seems we are the only generation that wants to discuss it. Yet still, people don't want to treat it as what it is: an issue of mental health. When everyone understands that anxiety (and other problems like depression) is actually something dealing with mental health and not just something "in our heads" (yes, it is completely in our heads, but not in the way you're thinking and not so easily fixed), then we can change the stigma surrounding mental health.
People deal with their health in different ways, and mental is no different than physical. People have different routines or even medicine to deal their unique issues, and just because mental ones can't be seen or easily displayed to others, does not mean they are any less real. Anxiety is not a wound or broken bone that the outside world can see and declare "yeah, that's a broken bone/wound and this is how you heal that." It's more complicated than that, and it hurts when people deny the existence of your problems. Supposedly, everyone suffers from a negative bout of mental health at some point in their life, some just have it earlier, longer or stronger than others. My mental health is not a joke, and neither is anyone else's.
The point here is that just because you can't see that someone suffers from a problem, doesn't mean it's any less real. Yes, anxiety is not the worst thing in the world, but it does make basic things harder. Being an extrovert with social anxiety is especially hard, but I know that there are people always willing to support me and that's what matters.
