For the people who see me at my worst and still love me:
Thank you and I’m sorry.
To my best friend, thank you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t believe you when you say that you’re not upset with me. I’m sorry that I ask you over and over again if everything is OK because, again, I can’t help but think that you and everyone else is upset with me when I haven’t even done anything. That’s the unfortunate thing about my anxiety; I think too much about every single interaction that I have with everyone and I can’t help it. I want more than anything to have a switch to flip for when we’re on vacation trying to relax and I’m constantly questioning if you’re having a good time or if I should have brought you a piña colada instead of a strawberry daiquiri, which I know is crazy because we both know you always want the latter. That’s the thing; it's things as simple as questioning small things that make me always ask you if you’re mad at me. I couldn’t think of having a greater best friend willing to put up with my constant questions and anxiety attacks. Yes, I know that you’re never mad and you just have resting b*tch face. So for learning everything about me and still being my best friend, I thank you.
To my boyfriend, thank you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I over analyze everything that you say or do. I’m sorry that I have random anxiety attacks when we’re out to dinner or simply sitting around watching TV. My anxiety was at an all-time high when I met you and we first started to date, which I now realize was silly. I was anxious going into our first date like any person would be, but it was more than that. I had an anxiety attack before our first date and even one in the middle of our date for no other reason than the one that I knew from first meeting you — I was going to fall for you whether I liked it or not. That scared me. A lot. I was anxious after our first few dates because I was so worried that you would get to learn my weaknesses and find that they were things that you couldn’t or wouldn’t want to put up with. I realize now that I was simply insane for thinking these things. I was terrified when I first decided to tell you about my anxiety, which was silly because you were so understanding and now you can tell I’m having an attack sometimes even before I can. For seeing me at my worst, putting up with my crying or complete silence when I’m having an attack, for never leaving me and still choosing to love me, I thank you.
To my mom, grandma and Ken, thank you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry to you three more than anyone. Mom and grandma, you’ve seen my anxiety from the time I was young and never fail to help get me through an attack when you can. As for Ken, I’m sure that you didn’t expect to get thrown into having a fifth ‘kid’ with so many issues, but over these past five or so years, you help me when no one else can. Sometimes I need your one liners or you to ‘yell’ at me because I keep asking you if you’re upset with me, to make me feel better when I’m anxious. You three have seen me at my absolute worst, more than I’d like to admit, and I am so sorry for that, but I can’t explain how unbelievably grateful I am for you putting up with me and loving me unconditionally, so for that, I thank you.
What I want to get across is that anxiety doesn’t come in one form and shouldn’t be generalized. As silly as it sounds, I sometimes don’t know when I’m having an anxiety attack when even my best friend knows and starts calming me down before it can get too bad. Anxiety is a scary thing — when I’m having an anxiety attack and I can’t move or speak, I’m terrified and other times I can’t stop pacing the house because I’m afraid to sit down. I don’t think anxiety should be generalized because if you were to take even five random people with anxiety, I’m sure that they’d all have a different explanation of what it is to them and how they experience it. What I do think is important is to be understanding of someone with anxiety and for those people who are there for me, as well as others, you deserve more praise and thanks than you get. So this is a thank you, to my friends and family, but also to everyone who is there for a loved one with anxiety.
