In every relationship, there are bound to be disagreements. It could be with a co-worker, your partner, or a sibling, but here are some simple "do's" and "don'ts" on how to deal with disagreements most effectively.
The Don’ts
Don’t Say, “Yeah, But”
It’s really all in how you phrase things. The phrasing, “Yeah, but” is a great way to make the other person feel invalidated. The word “yeah” is not enough to communicate that you hear them and you understand them. It’s basically like saying, “Can I talk yet?”
Don’t Need To Win
If your conversation gets to the point where the other person “gives up” on it, that’s not a good sign. It probably means that you focused on yourself so much, that you forgot to listen. When one person feels like they “won,” nobody really wins.
Don’t Be Afraid To Be Heard
Many times, we’re afraid to say how we really feel and that's when we start feeling repressed in a relationship. You can communicate how you truly feel, and limit how badly you hurt the other person. Sometimes the truth hurts, but prefacing your comment, before your say it, can often lessen the blow.
Don’t Say "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way"
Saying this phrase is essentially like saying, “I am not taking any responsibility for my actions or the way you feel.” Granted, it’s easy to put the blame on others, but the conversation will be much more effective when you're upfront and honest with yourself. Don’t make up excuses; you were part of this argument too.
The Do’s
Do Listen
As you can tell from the “don’ts,” the most important thing you can do in an argument is listen. There is a huge difference between “hearing” and “listening,” and understanding is how you get there. Listen to the other person’s words and verify what you think they mean by repeating what they’re saying back to them.
Do Be Honest
Don’t just “yes” someone to death in order for the argument to be over. If you feel a certain way, communicate that. Make sure you are being listened to also, and if you aren’t, repeat yourself and ask them if they understand.
Do Validate
The best gift you can give somebody is validation, because that’s all anyone really wants. We want somebody to make us feel that we’re “okay” for feeling a certain way. We want to know that the other person thinks our feelings are real and totally understandable. Although, the goal is to get to the point where we validate ourselves, we have to start somewhere.
Do Request
We fall into this pattern of complaining, and it doesn’t do any good. If you want somebody to change their actions or words, request that they do so. Make them a part of the conversation; make them part of the solution.
Do Say, “I’m Sorry I Made You Feel That Way”
This is the kind of phrasing that shows you were listening and validated at the same time. Make the phrasing personal: "I’m sorry I made you feel unappreciated by not thanking you." Take ownership of your actions. There is a reason you two are having this conversation in the first place; evaluate where you went wrong.
